Some days are easier than other, wake up and run the day before it runs me. I have started getting up and showing and getting dressed at 415 am instead of waiting until my lunch break. Trying to do my hair everyday as if I have a purpose. To look beautiful. To take on the day and not worry about what is out of my control.
My cousin and her family having covid. My aunt in and out of the hospital on a weekly basis. How my fiance is within work stress. How his daughter is with her stressor. How his parents are doing. How my mom is doing, and praying she doesn’t get covid with her workers being diagnosed. And then what’s next for me. If the next treatment is approved what’s it going to cost and is it going to be like with my back, out a couple thousand and no relief? Again all things out of my control yet it runs me. Nightmares become more, worry becomes more and if I try to block it, it hits me like a ton of bricks.
Why is this? Because I have always been a fixer to everyone always wanting everyone happy, safe, and alive. Always thinking also maybe if I wasn’t so absorbed in my own life,safety and sanity and spent more time doing this when dad was around I would have been able to save him too.
I wish I had the motivation most days where I don’t want to hide and sleep. Its a vicious cycle sometimes, and when people ask if I’m okay I say I ambecause who really wants to hear it anyhow because they too have their problems.