Most of you know that Christmas has not been a favorite for 25 years. 25 years ago I OD’d just prior to or maybe it was that day, I don’t remember. But I lived. I HAD to earn each gift returning home. After dad passed I tried to continue on, like his favorite holiday, CHRIST.AS. And every year I made it just as he taught me, about the kids!!
One year the so called kids left on Xmas eve, another they didn’t show, and it goes on. It’s hard trying to be the half that doesn’t have kids buy makes it special for everyone else’s. I always go all out. Hell, 10 years ago I was still sending my exes kids gifts even when he and I weren’t together and I wouldn’t have contact. Because they were more of me than anything and what kept me going.
This year, opposed to last year I tried to do Christmas again, partly from the slack I got from mom last year, her thinking I would never again because I was dating someone jewish.. yep shenanigans, but they had their ways and I wasn’t going to intrude. This year I covered both hannaukah and Christmas.
So tonight I thought of dad and thought let’s do what I did with him and watch Christmas movies at night. It’s not the same alone, not at all. And with that thought, glass shatters and I ruined a pair of glasses, a team. I’m done for the night of trying to make right in my mind all across the board, I can’t.