I am trying to psych myself up for tomorrow’s gathering. It’s hard to do so lately as I know I haven’t been myself and having people around to entertain will lead to judgement. I also wasn’t part of the decision, but why should I be right? In all honesty I would have gone along with what everyone was game for as we have spent the last two NYE with our friends.

In all positive, I am looking forward to seeing the crew and having friends around, but I also know I am feeling really low on myself, my appearance, (thank you 2020 for the 20lbs I have gained, and making me less attractive, you bastard) my mood and meds, and so on. And I know as soon as they arrive I will slap on my game face and all will fall into place. It’s just my anxieties taking over.

This week being off has not really calmed me because all I have time to do is think and overthink. There were a few plans made that never fell through. I had hoped for some time out together, you know, like a date.. just kidding, what is a date? Those are so 2019. The stuff Disney has girls dream of.. LOL.. (it’s a joke, people.. I still have that going for me about 25% of the time.)

Nowadays running an errand together is what it’s all about, but I am just as happy chilling on the couch. My being a social butterfly days seemed to have ended, maybe thats what 2020 has done to us all with the working from home and being stuck at home.

All ‘trying’ to be funny aside, I need to get in gear and get things going for tomorrow, time to make the Rum bars, and Black eyed peas tomorrow. Even cooking and baking motivations are null and void and that’s usually my therapeutic relaxation.

Maybe it’s my sinuses and not feeling well bringing me down, the fact that while I am getting a little more sleep I can’t get uninterrupted sleep lately between nightmares and just waking up. It’s worrying about everything and trying to make every situation good and as near perfect as possible, in my void of being anywhere close to.

While this year has had its good, I am certainly ready for a new year and a new dilemma, haha.

Spill your brains...

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