I hate the feeling whatever it is. I can’t get motivated to do much other than sit and think with racing thoughts of everything going on, in constant worry for the worst to happen in what IS good in life. I can sit and write a blog about the love of my life and love in my life and all seems happy. But that is about all that I have to look forward to.
I am constantly tired, more like exhausted physically, emotionally and mentally. This week past two weeks has been all 10 hour shifts at work but they feel like 20 hours long when it is all said and done, and then I still have the other 7-10 to go in the day before I go to sleep.
I feel useless and incompetent the majority of the time. Due to not feeling motivated, yet I somehow manage to get myself up and do what is needed around the house, laundry, cook, clean. But it all seems like a struggle sometimes until I push myself that it MUST be done, it must be maintained, before it all hits at once.
I feel depressed and anxious 75% of the time. Worried about what needs to be done, about what isn’t being done or where I am lacking. Expecting the worse in everything around me, and trying so hard to make sure everyone else is still happy and hiding trying to hide the depression to not affect others around me, its part of pushing myself because if I am at least getting work done, getting out of bed, then I am fine. But I sit most times just in space somewhere. I have tried to revert to reading to change my direction in my mind but even the focus there is hard, I have trouble concentrating leaving me to read even slower. I am losing interest in all things that used to interest me and keep me going.
Up until recently I was using alcohol as the escape to ‘feel better’ or at least feel nothing. But at the end of the day, it didn’t fix anything, everything was still there in the morning. Drinking was only a mask to get through the rest of the day, and packing on pounds I am sure which leads to even more unhappiness.
I dread working everyday but I am not even sure if its because of the job. As I seek other employment it does give me the insight of the good things with my job that I won’t likely find anywhere else. The ability to work from home, the hours, the unlimited PTO, the good benefits. Yet I still drag myself through the ringer hoping that something better will come up.
And then, I just feel like everything has become stagnant, complacent around me, and like I said in another post before, like something is off. Not just with me but those around me. It is something I see not just in myself but can feel from others. It’s a lonely feeling.
While I am sure this is just burn out and maybe being homebound, I don’t really know but I will keep trying to figure it out before it starts affecting other parts of my life, the parts that are what keep me going each day.
I’m just tired and not in the way that I just need more sleep, but its not even sleep, I get off work and go crawl in bed even if I don’t go to sleep. I just want to hide all I am feeling because I can’t even explain it all that well for it to make sense.
Hopefully in the weeks to come I can reflect on this and it all went away, but all talking to the doc does is pile on more medications to try and treat the underlying depression, anxiety and worry. which piles on more weight and more unhappiness in that area of life. Its really not a win situation, unless I can figure out more to it. And in that, its a one woman job I guess. There is too much at stake not to figure it out, like my fiance, his daughter and all the bigger pictures in life.
I am trying to make right in the aspect of the bigger picture. Stay on antidepressants, cut back on drinking, work on quitting smoking and just being me and tending to the home life.
All of this in itself is a hopeless feeling.