What feels ‘wrong’ with me

What feels wrong with me, or should I say “What’s wrong?” Its the fact that I want to feel loved by someone other than myself, that I want or need that time from that special someone. It’s the fact that there is ever a moment that I feel the ‘need’ to ask or burden someone with that in their life. Its the fact that I feel if I do then that part of my independence, that part of me is just being needy. It’s that sometimes, I feel like I just need to be held at night of that there are times I feel alone and I feel wrong for all of it. And because it all feels wrong, it must be wrong. Its the wanting to fell like “I’m in a relationship” to be held at night on occasion for example, I guess is the corniest way to put it, to have just those little moments on occasion that you don’t expect.. I know it all sounds dumb. to feel wanted when I guess all this feeling and wanting is probably just ‘all in my head’ and all just my own emotions and feelings, and I am getting more and more afraid to even share it. In the end, it feels like the more I share on how I feel, the more I just feel I am damaged for how I feel, and the more I feel like I am just the one whom is messed up for feeling. and that I am what is wrong. Its my flaw of flaws.

‘Am I okay?’ Well the deepest answer is yes, I will always be okay. For myself I have to be the strength I need. I have to know how to stand and be strong. And at the end of the day, I have to know how to love myself for who I am, regardless of how flawed I feel. For however wrong I feel for wanting anything in life. But I know I will be okay, therefore, I am okay, and as long as I can tell myself that I know its going to get me through it, I am a fighter. These past couple days, my heart has not felt okay though, both emotionally and physically. It has been hurting. Hurting enough that all I can do is cry, and I am not one to cry. Saturday night, I cried. Yesterday, even at a song on the jukebox at the bowling alley, I had to leave outside because all I could do is cry. This morning as I work, for no reason, I cried. Early this morning/middle of the night as I woke in the middle of the night and took the dog out, I cried. My dreams all night were of everything I am most scared of, but mostly the fears that followed a text I received yesterday.

I’ve felt scared most of all. Scared of losing one of the things in life that means the most to me. Scared that by me feeling and loving as much as I do, which is really just who I am, that it is going to ruin everything in life itself. That me being who I am, is really just too much and in the end, at the end of the day.. that is What’s wrong. Looking back on everything, the common denominator of everything wrong points back to one thing.. Me, the only problem in it all is me. Its my thinking, its my love, its my big heart and the fact of how much it loves, how much it gives, and how much it is… how much it tries. whether it was that it tried and gave too much when it shouldn’t have or when it should have, or whatever the case may have been, it has always only broke itself.

What else is there to really say, these are my own thoughts, these are what goes on in my pretty little head right? These are the messed up little heart that beats in my chest and the stupid little tears that fall from my eyes. I liked it better when I only cried when I was mad.. instead of now I am mad because I am crying.

Author: Dana Gidner-Kristal

perfectly imperfect

Spill your brains...

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