Christmas Holiday

Its a holiday I hate to love and love to hate, I was always the ‘Grinch’ of the family… but I still try to stay in the spirit. It was dads favorite, he would make us nuts when we were kids, running around singing silly Christmas songs, not your traditional. Things like “If it doesn’t snow on Christmas, how will Santa get around to us.” We would make coffee cake or homemade cinnamon rolls in the morning of Christmas or Christmas eve and he always raised us that “Christmas is about the children.” Then again, thinking back from the first day we met him he taught us this.

Before him and my mom were even dating he was the police officer whom brought toys from the police department, as we were in a woman’s shelter at the time. And the department supplied toys. So now, any year with Christmas, I do the same, its about the kids. When it was with either of my ex’s their kids always made out like prince and princesses for Christmas where I would spend hundreds of dollars on them, usually on a credit card, but I didn’t care. I wanted them to have all they wanted. I guess dad forgot to mention its about the kids within reason… haha.

Now, with my step daughter, its a bit different to get used to as Christmas isn’t so much a big thing as they do Hanukkah, but I have tried to start introducing Christmas. Hard to do when you only have her every other year for it. But, last year, I supplemented both and went big for Hanukkah and Christmas.. hey, It was all new to introduce it with the other.. who knew you do small gifts for Hanukkah, Adam Sandler never put that in his song… LOL. So last year I put up my little black tree and tried to make a thing of it. If anything, for dads memory, and to try to be in the spirit. She helped with putting up lights in a minimal amount because it has never been a big thing I could ever get into but she seemed to enjoy it non the less. We attempted to go look at lights which was a childhood past time from up North, but the house they usually checked out was no longer decorated.

This year dad will be happy. We are doing dinner with my brother, sister in law and niece on Christmas eve. We are going to try to get my step daughter for at least the day so its at least all of us together, since holidays are hard to get everyone at the same time. And I did better on the gift spending too, I still don’t feel like I got everyone what I should have, but they got something, and for me on my side it is just the joys of spending time with them and getting to see them open the gifts.

I do still dislike this time of year, I have for over 25 years for personal reasons. While it also marks almost 25 years of me being out of the hospital as a teenager, it was the same time as my first suicide attempt. It was just a bad time in life. It was a time I did overcome and I should look at it as that. And then when losing dad almost 12 years ago, it seemed that was when all the Christmas spirit I did have left. Until I realized, I have to keep some for him still alive, and I try, but it is hard because there is so much of him that was my spirit this time of year and that isn’t here with me. And with that, I miss him.

The holidays are hard for just about everyone for one reason or another, whether its personal reasons within, depression and other things whether its a job or loneliness or for reasons of not having someone around. Last Sunday my moms husband lost his dad, it will be the first Christmas with out him. 3 weeks ago our friend passed, it will be his families first Christmas with out him. Some have been without a family or friend for years, and it just doesn’t get easier. Another friend lost her husband this year. I have a friend who’s husband is out of the country on military and she and their kids will be without him this year. And I will think of all of them as they go through it without their loved one.

Author: Dana Gidner-Kristal

perfectly imperfect

Spill your brains...

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