Words are from the lips…

Words are from the lips, actions are from the heart. Actions will always speak louder than words. For a few years now, I keep being told that this child, well now teenager, is ‘jealous of me’ and that is why her behavior toward me is susceptible. I am told that ‘she’s a teenager’ and that is why her behavior is susceptible.

At 13 I can understand some teenage behavior, we have all been there. After over 4 years of being in her life though, the jealousy bit is a cop out and an excuse. There is no reason for the jealousy. If that is still an issue than that is not going to go away, and that is not something that should be acceptable or tolerated by myself or even fair to me to have to deal with for the next 5 year or even on going after that. Not if I am going to be treated the way I am.

Actions speak louder than words. It is said that I am wanted and loved here. It certainly does not feel that way day in and day out when you feel like a floor mat by a teenager. When you do nothing but give your every part of your heart and soul to provide everything you can, to be everything you can. To guide, to be a friend, to be a mentor. To try in every way and every direction and be wrong no matter which road you go. And when you try to explain your feelings have been hurt, they simply do not care. Those are the actions that speak the loudest.

Apologies come only when it it beneficial. Apologies have become only words as well. Because, those apologies are now only empty statements. Those apologies are only because something was wanted, or they were to brush everything under the rug and make the matter at hand ‘go away’, or they were forced by another party. They weren’t from the heart.

I get I signed up for this. I know what I was walking into. While I love the life I have, I love the child with all that I am. I just wish I had an answer where something becomes far to me. My hands are tied. I have nothing I can do. Its all up to the parents to correct the behavior and to do what needs to be done, and they have their ways of how they see things, How they want things. I am to sit back, Take my beatings, Be treated however, See it as okay, and see it as ‘normal’. I am to be treated and simply allow the behavior, And let them handle it.

One is supposed to omit all feelings, but in all reality, this is not ‘normal’, this is not right, and no human should be okay with treating another in this matter if they want them around, if they love them. Hell, in all reality, she shouldn’t treat her own parents the way she treats them. But, that may just be the way I was raised. I couldn’t imagine doing so growing up. Sure, I was a teenager, sure I had my days of having an attitude, we all did. There comes a point where some things are a bit over the top, and had I been the ‘new’ girlfriend I might say sure that seems normal and she’s the teenager acting on it, but I came in when she was young enough and I have been in my share of relationships with not just kids but girls and their dads. Its not my first rodeo, no matter how ‘different of a kid’ or ‘difficult of a kid’ she is. They all were in their own ways.

Most of all, I feel selfish and as if I am in her way. If she is in fact that ‘jealous’ of me.. If that’s the case.. then I am that much in her way of her and her dad, there is a bigger problem. And if that has not gone away in 4+ years, its not going to go away, and I have no Idea if it will. That in itself is a problem and always will be. That part alone, scares me. That part alone is, in itself.. a big problem and tells me where I am right and where the actions in itself speak the loudest and where I am not wanted.



Author: Dana Gidner-Kristal

perfectly imperfect

Spill your brains...

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