When you hear it said that someone is steering clear of you because they don’t know what version they will get, it first cuts deep in your hear and hurts. But then, all you can do is sit and wonder just how crazy are you? What kind of monster have you portrayed to make people feel this way. What have YOU done? Knowing that in fairness you will respect and try to get how they feel.
When I am mad or upset I am not one to fly off the handle, yell or scream. When I am down, I don’t either. I try to avoid all conflict and make peace and the only enemy I ever have is myself. Even when I am not at fault, I will think the scenario through for every possible reason I probably was, or that I was a reason. I put blame on anything in life on myself.
I don’t even blame people for feeling this way. I am at fault in one way or another that they feel this way. Feel however they feel, and that hurts that I would make anyone feel as so. I have obviously done something so deep and caused pain somewhere. And that pains me.
I just don’t get how someone who tries to love beyond all faults, will be sure to always be the one to make you feel valued, appreciated and adored in her life, who wouldn’t hurt a single person she loves, who is laughter, love, strength, and yes even flawed and imperfect, but is herself, and real because of it, is yet a monster of some crazy sort that must be hidden and steered clear of. And no matter the reassurance, no matter the ask that people don’t, they do. What makes her so fearful? Why can’t hertrue being and heart be seen for all it is. And why instead is she left instead so alone, is that where she deserves, maybe so!
I know I am not perfect, but what I do know is have have shown my best as best I can. And I have shown my darkness to those I let my walls down to. And at the end of the day, I have to love myself for the one and only thing I am, and that’s me. I can’t. Go backwards and fix my past or mistakes but I will damn sure pick myself up when I fall, I will use all my strength even if it takes time, and I will always bounce back.