Just want everything to disappear

Where do I begin? For the past Month I have been dealing with pain. Stomach, back, typical headaches, and before all that Iron level issues. I don’t want to eat, I don’t sleep well, and I am just overly stressed out.

After an ER visit for the stomach to be sure it wasn’t my appendix, which thankfully it wasn’t but parts of me wish it was. At least then it would have been answers. I am now seeing a gasto doctor and set up for a neuro surgeon.

I had the first appointment yesterday with the Gastro and after not even 10 minutes of talking was set up for a colonoscopy. Which I will admit to be extremely nervous about. Will it get answers? Who knows. One can hope.

I worry about the worst when going to the neurosurgeon, that worst being he tells me I can’t bowl for a while. I suppose among other things, like not being able to keep up the house for a while if they have to do anything invasive (you know, my purpose) .. but no, mainly bowling.. haha.

I don’t want to lose Wednesdays because it’s a night my husband I get together, or Sundays right now where it’s just any little bit of stress relief.

Now move on to stress. I like the work I do. But the stress level, some self inflicted, just gets out of hand. Part of it is the pride I take in my job, in any job. Part of it is that I am a team player so feel if the team is failing it means I failed and could have done more, so I do more. Then there’s outside the job. There’s just not enough hours in a day. I need to cook, clean, do laundry, take care of my family, not just at a physical level, but at a emotional and mental level, and that is where I am failing. Failing them and failing myself. And I don’t do failure. I am trying to push, and be the best I can and feel I only let them down.

And then there’s the almighty mental health. I’m trying to most of all stay sane. Trying to push through these racing thoughts that take over. Trying to be better at opening up to my partner when something seems off. And each time when told I am over reacting or over thinking and in my head. It’s hard when you are actually feeling an emotion or a way and you are to know it’s basically not valid, at least not to anyone but your stupid, crazy mind and heart. And then you end up over thinking even that, to figure out how to get over it. It’s just plain hard sometimes having the depression and anxiety monsters you didn’t sign up for and can’t control.

At the end of the day, I just wish it could all disappear, even for a little bit so I can get back to me. So I can feel better. So I can be better for those around me and feel a little more wanted and alot less of a burden. And I can have a break from it all.

Health issues in themself suck, but feel like it’s all hitting at once. And even my high pain tolerance isn’t accepting things. It’s all wearing on me mentally, emotionally and physically. And being stubborn and always pushing so not to let anyone, including myself, down probably doesn’t help.

I guess that my wallow in self pity story.. and a me problem. My un- realistic wish for the day is just that it would all disappear, even if for a bit, so I can get back to me and get back to making those around me happy again.

Author: Dana Gidner-Kristal

perfectly imperfect

Spill your brains...

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