Some days We just get tired of filling buckets that feel like they are are leaking from the inside.. lies or broken promises and excuses, be it with jobs, life. Whether juggling happiness, chores, giving, being, going, waiting ect.. life is always testing in some way, always testing our strength. And some days, we to need a break, a silence, a hug, a cry, or maybe an internal scream for our own sanity and mental health.

I for one typically only cry when mad, then am more mad because I cried.. its a vicious cycle. Today was almost that day. A wanting to throw my hands up with the job. A asking myself why I stupidly make attempts to do things within my marriage to keep it fun. The emotions of all the pain I have been in and trying to just continue on with every day life. The physical exhaution. And everything just came down on me, but all started because I was overyly stressed and emotional to begin with of work and it was the icing on the cake, so everything else that was surfaced hit.

While I am everyones rock, everyones sound board. Whether it be life, or just a shoot the shit, I am always attentive to all needs. I work to be the best wife I can and while not always sure I do so great there either and may be too much at times because I end up making myself feel alone, I do what I can.

But I’m tired, and not the kind sleep can fix. I’m emotionally tired. I’m a bit empty because I am trying to figure out the best ‘me’ for everyone else around. And yes a bit lonely and often misunderstood, and often pushed aside or ignored due to it because there are no words. I try a little bit harder than Maybe i should because parts of me are hard to explain. Its no fault but my own. And when I say to myself to stop, I obviously can’t its who I am or have become based on the love and affection thats in me. Based on the peraon I have grown to be over the years.

Some days I love it, some days not so much. But all days I still love me and try to empower myself, to get past it. Because someone has to be the cheerleader. I know Its in good spirit. I have been better at it, and while changeing yourself is hard it can be done.

And sometimes my mute moods seem the best way to go. I dont then feel needy. I dont say the wrong things. It gets read wrong anyways and I am still damned if I do and damned if I don’t so I might as well play it safe. LOL.. jk. But honestly, I dont know what to do or say, when its all misunderstood and the creature in the end is all really so simple, its just needing love, and affection.

Happy Mothers Day to all

Whether you are a mom to be, a mom, a step mom, a fur baby mom or an adoptive mom.. you are a mom. You have helped raise a child. And while every day should be Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Grandparents day.. you deserve A Day!

There has never been nor will there ever be a year that I will be ‘The Mom’ unless it’s to my fur babies of course, but I will always have my motherly instincts. When I finally found ‘The one’ I guess it couldn’t all be the perfect fairy tale. And well if it was perfect something is bound to not fall into place, Right?!? I can take the sacrifice as I have gained a step daughter to help hopefully mature into an outstanding young lady.

I have written on this before regarding the kids I helped raise for over time. I have always stepped in and stepped up to help and love and nurture anyones children. Now, I truely am a step mother, official as of April 2022. Hopefully, I won’t be always be seen as the evil step mom. Hopefully as she gets older she sees I have always wanted what was best for her. I have parented many dogs who have never regretted me being a dog mom at least, i do have that going for me and I get that right.

Nike did so with he usual wakes after midnight and a face lick this morning, along with digging at my head. She has been completely insame since to remind me that I’m her mom & up my butt all morning. I did my calls to my mom and my mother in law to wish them both a Happy Mothers Day before I got my day started. Last year My moms first words were ‘your practically a mom now.. what are yours plans?’ This year she asked if I got flowers. Big change up. 🤣 But funny none the less. I told her I got 2 crazy dogs who said I couldn’t sleep in and the husband was still sleeping.

Either way, it’s a choice. You either choose to have kids, or you choose to be a step parent. And kudos either way. Everyone deserves life, guidance and love no matter how it is given. So on this day whether you are a father playing both parts, a mother with the help of a father or a single mother. If you have chosen to be that step parent or a mom to someone in any form big kudos for stepping up, while others may not acknowledge that you took this step, I do. Pat yourself on the back.

Last year was painful as I was really treated disrespectful and felt hated. But, I have learned, yes.. I am a step mom but at the end of the day, to them it isnt the same and not a day I deserve recognition and thats okay. I do give myself a pat on the back everyday, and I do know some days aren’t easy.

In seriousness.. To all the mothers and fathers out there. Look at what you have been given. It’s a gift. Love it, grow it, and cherish it for all that it is worth. Its not something everyone is given. You were chosen to have this! And on another note, much respect to all parents, single raising kids, those who take responsibility and pay child support, and to those who take on others kids and love them just the same and choosing to be in a situation you don’t have to be in.

Yours sincerly,

Dana

Mental health is a real thing, and the awareness of it is extremely important. There are days I think back to when I used to be in so much denial of it, and tried to ignore all of it. There used to be so many days when I couldn’t face it. Days I wouldn’t face it and I would say I was fine, not to just those around me but to myself. Until the day that it broke me. It broke me inside. It broke me on the outside. Most of all, it broke me of the fear to face it.

I think Back to 2012, I remember I had tried to admit myself into Springwood and as the doctor started putting me on medications I had told them I had been on that DID NOT work I left AMA. I knew I wasn’t well and I knew it was time to do something before it didn’t end well. I took a leap and I did try to reach out for help. But, at the end of it, I thought, what for, so I went back home? And just a few weeks later I had my suicide attempt which landed me court ordered as I sat in Millwood Hospital in Arlington.

At first, I was just mad. Mad that I was there. Or anywhere for that matter. As the days went on and I continued on with my daily group therapy sessions I began to learn some very important things; I WAS NOT ALONE IN THIS! THERE WERE PEOPLE SIMILAR TO ME OUT THERE. I WAS NOT CRAZY AFTER ALL (much to what I had been told or made to believe and was so ashamed of) . MENTAL HEALTH DISORDERS, DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, IT DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE CRAZY. IT MEANS YOU’RE HUMAN!

I went through my inpatient treatment and was finally able to go home but I wasn’t done yet. From there I had to go for outpatient treatment several times a week for several weeks. At the end of it I got my marbles back, Legit Marbles.. I still have them. They may be the only marbles I have if you ask anyone who knows me.. haha. At the end of it all though, I was thankful. Thankful to be alive and thankful for the help, thankful for a new insight and all I had learned. It was a lot to take in each day but it gave me coping skills. And most of all strength. Not just on how to deal with the mental health side of it, but also on how to deal with the day to day issues I was facing that were causing much of the problems.

On the day I walked out with my marbles it was the end of all of my self harm, the end of all the disassociations. Something happened in my time there. Something that saved me from myself all together. While it wasn’t something that completely cured me, It saved me and that in itself was a blessing to my life.

I know that I can be hard sometimes. I also know I can be the hardest on myself. Some things hit me harder than they do others. I am always overthinking things and always in a constant worry. Things depress me a little longer than they probably should and most of it to be honest, is really out of my control. It is an imbalance I was born with and for so long I spent so much time blaming myself and wondering what was wrong with ME as a person. Finally, I had to learn that no matter what, I needed to love that person, even when no one else could or would.

I have come to terms with the fact that not everyone will understand mental health, not everyone will try, not everyone will even care. Those that choose to care, will do so. I have also realized that while I can not explain it all, I have tried and to be honest, most days I don’t understand but the good thing is there are resources out there to help understand. And I also know that no two people are the same, my anxiety is not someone elses, my depression is not someone elses, we all handle it different, but in some way we all relate.

Today, I can look at myself in the mirror and tell myself ‘its okay to be sad’ or ‘its okay to have a bad day’. I have had to come to terms with the fact that through all my attempts to see a psychiatrist and get on medication for my depression, that its just not all that possible, I have treatment resistant depression. I mean, I can. But, the changing of meds every few months because that is about how long they work before we have to change it wears on me more so than it works. So, for myself that if its 50/50 either way on or off, the odds seem the same. I also know that if I ever see myself as bad as I was, then I know when the time is to try and get back on, and I know what to be aware of. I did so back a couple years ago when I felt a slip.

Last week was just draining. With the colonoscopy on Monday to hopefully get some answers as to what is going on, it drug the week out with pain and not feeling well. Which the end result was, no answers at all and a waste of time and money. And while I just needed a break from everything, when I need to stop nothing else around me does. The job is still there, the house work is still there, the dogs are still here, mouths still need to be fed so I still need to cook and life must go on, add me not knowing how to pause to begin with and it all continues on. Part of that is who I am in general, the other part of that is the care for the things and people around me, and the final is that it is it gives me a sense of purpose, especially when I feel I don’t have much in me.

Friday ended on a somewhat good feeling after a job interview that I felt went well but I also know and told myself not to get my hopes up. I mean even if that went well I still needed to advance to not one but two more interviews. But I was hopeful. And much of it is just that my current job as much as I enjoy many things around it in what I do, the schedule, and many of the perks such as unlimited PTO… it simply is sucking everything out of me. And I know, you can’t have your cake and eat it to. Well, as I was typing this, I got the we are sorry but we have decided to move on with others email.

I am trying to tell myself its a new week, many because of a little anxiety as I get ready to go to yet ANOTHER doctor here in a bit. Now to see a neuro surgeon to find out if maybe the issue is my back causing everything else. I tried a chiropractor a while back and some extreme stretching and expensive treatment plans that didn’t work, so now its time for another approach. But, honestly, I am just tired. I hate doctors, and I hate that no one knows.

However, It IS A NEW WEEK, and there are some positives. My husband started a new job today. And for that I am proud of him in doing so. Proud of him for pushing and going through the interviews for one. I know they aren’t easy.. Two, for making a decision. He had two job offers to choose from and he had a tough decision to make. Three, for being able to make a change. We all know that change is hard and it can be strange. But he took that leap. And at the end of the day, I know he is going to do amazing in whatever path he chooses. So, this week as we start it, my focus is not on myself and all my woe’s but on watching him as he starts his new journey and hearing his stories each day as he comes home. Because, at the end of each day, He has always been my HOME.

If only that was an option!
Some days I am just tired of being tired and/or not feeling well and pushing through, other days I tell myself “I have made it through 100% of all bad days and ‘I got this’.”

It always seems to be something, but I guess that’s life, and everyday trying to test us. 

But, one thing I can say, is at the end of each day I am thankful. Thankful for the things I do have. Thankful for the strength to not give up. And thankful for all that is around me.

Today, I just don’t feel well. My stomach is spasming and hurts with much discomfort. I feel spaced and dizzy, and just plain tired because I didn’t sleep well with it all. My back hurts, but that’s normal anymore. It seems everything is a sit and wait for answers. I hate doctors as of late and part of me wishes I never started looking for answers because then I wouldn’t be waiting. Or going through all this mess.

And add to it the other half has a cold so I am not going to bother him with it or even bring it up, his not feeling well is more important to me and worse off than I am in my mind. That’s just life.

Where do I begin? For the past Month I have been dealing with pain. Stomach, back, typical headaches, and before all that Iron level issues. I don’t want to eat, I don’t sleep well, and I am just overly stressed out.

After an ER visit for the stomach to be sure it wasn’t my appendix, which thankfully it wasn’t but parts of me wish it was. At least then it would have been answers. I am now seeing a gasto doctor and set up for a neuro surgeon.

I had the first appointment yesterday with the Gastro and after not even 10 minutes of talking was set up for a colonoscopy. Which I will admit to be extremely nervous about. Will it get answers? Who knows. One can hope.

I worry about the worst when going to the neurosurgeon, that worst being he tells me I can’t bowl for a while. I suppose among other things, like not being able to keep up the house for a while if they have to do anything invasive (you know, my purpose) .. but no, mainly bowling.. haha.

I don’t want to lose Wednesdays because it’s a night my husband I get together, or Sundays right now where it’s just any little bit of stress relief.

Now move on to stress. I like the work I do. But the stress level, some self inflicted, just gets out of hand. Part of it is the pride I take in my job, in any job. Part of it is that I am a team player so feel if the team is failing it means I failed and could have done more, so I do more. Then there’s outside the job. There’s just not enough hours in a day. I need to cook, clean, do laundry, take care of my family, not just at a physical level, but at a emotional and mental level, and that is where I am failing. Failing them and failing myself. And I don’t do failure. I am trying to push, and be the best I can and feel I only let them down.

And then there’s the almighty mental health. I’m trying to most of all stay sane. Trying to push through these racing thoughts that take over. Trying to be better at opening up to my partner when something seems off. And each time when told I am over reacting or over thinking and in my head. It’s hard when you are actually feeling an emotion or a way and you are to know it’s basically not valid, at least not to anyone but your stupid, crazy mind and heart. And then you end up over thinking even that, to figure out how to get over it. It’s just plain hard sometimes having the depression and anxiety monsters you didn’t sign up for and can’t control.

At the end of the day, I just wish it could all disappear, even for a little bit so I can get back to me. So I can feel better. So I can be better for those around me and feel a little more wanted and alot less of a burden. And I can have a break from it all.

Health issues in themself suck, but feel like it’s all hitting at once. And even my high pain tolerance isn’t accepting things. It’s all wearing on me mentally, emotionally and physically. And being stubborn and always pushing so not to let anyone, including myself, down probably doesn’t help.

I guess that my wallow in self pity story.. and a me problem. My un- realistic wish for the day is just that it would all disappear, even if for a bit, so I can get back to me and get back to making those around me happy again.

Not sleepy tired or from lack of rest, I’ve had enough caffeine to cure that. 

It’s something deeper. It’s in my tendons, it’s in my eyes, it’s in the fibers of my skin.

I am exhausted mentally and fatigued by life. By the sun and the moon.  By the emptiness in the room, and by the hope that fills me.

By the silence around me and the noise in my head.  There just doesn’t seem to be enough hours in the night to stop the constant buzzing in my head. 

I’m exhausted, I’m just tired and I feel like all my emotions are just too stupid to be bothered no matter how real they are, and I know those who matter most can agree.

When you hear it said that someone is steering clear of you because they don’t know what version they will get, it first cuts deep in your hear and hurts. But then, all you can do is sit and wonder just how crazy are you? What kind of monster have you portrayed to make people feel this way. What have YOU done? Knowing that in fairness you will respect and try to get how they feel.

When I am mad or upset I am not one to fly off the handle, yell or scream. When I am down, I don’t either. I try to avoid all conflict and make peace and the only enemy I ever have is myself. Even when I am not at fault, I will think the scenario through for every possible reason I probably was, or that I was a reason. I put blame on anything in life on myself.

I don’t even blame people for feeling this way. I am at fault in one way or another that they feel this way. Feel however they feel, and that hurts that I would make anyone feel as so. I have obviously done something so deep and caused pain somewhere. And that pains me.

I just don’t get how someone who tries to love beyond all faults, will be sure to always be the one to make you feel valued, appreciated and adored in her life, who wouldn’t hurt a single person she loves, who is laughter, love, strength, and yes even flawed and imperfect, but is herself, and real because of it, is yet a monster of some crazy sort that must be hidden and steered clear of. And no matter the reassurance, no matter the ask that people don’t, they do. What makes her so fearful? Why can’t hertrue being and heart be seen for all it is. And why instead is she left instead so alone, is that where she deserves, maybe so!

I know I am not perfect, but what I do know is have have shown my best as best I can. And I have shown my darkness to those I let my walls down to. And at the end of the day, I have to love myself for the one and only thing I am, and that’s me. I can’t. Go backwards and fix my past or mistakes but I will damn sure pick myself up when I fall, I will use all my strength even if it takes time, and I will always bounce back.

Maybe I am a simple creature in my own ways, or maybe I have let my walls down enough, my pride down enough and have stripped some of my independence and have just become that needy. Which if its the later part, well that’s not good at all I don’t guess.

I know I can be my worst critic, my worst enemy when I fall short, or when things go ‘wrong’, or just when I have had a bad day or am feeling a little down. When my depression tends to hit, I even get a little hard on myself because I just hate it and hate that anyone around me has to face it with me. I will beat myself up over just about anything that isn’t of good and get so deep in my head that the gear just continue to spin on what I should have done different and all the things I didn’t do right and all the things wrong with ME. But, I will also pay attention to the vibes and what goes on in my surroundings and all the feels that come off it.

Now here comes the, probably what I question is the neediest part of it all. Breaking the above cycle, Stopping those gears. In one simple way that way being of having the place I feel the safest embrace me, to tell me everything is okay, that I in fact am human and if its what permits, that mistakes are made. That place being none other than the arms of my Husband. The hug or the embrace, that strong hold in any form that makes everything at peace, the kiss on the forehead that slows it all down.

It doesn’t sound like a lot, but maybe at the end of the day it really is asking for a lot, needing a lot. And while it doesn’t sound like a lot. It is the world. It is my world. It is the place I am home.

Funny thinking of this. What is GWD? Well, looking back about 13-14 years ago, it’s the good wife direction. A ter a best friend of mine spoke of.

We talked how ‘that was the goal, work toward the GWD. Be all we could be and be that good wife. It’s really all I do.

And now.. its happened and someone has loved me enough for who I am, what I am and all I hope to yet be. And I am what I thought was funny then, always thinking, Right! Me a wife, NEVER. But no matter how bad the situation, I tried.

Fast forward to last week, now I am a wife and found the Truest meaning. Accepted for my flaws, yet appreciated for all I am and yet to become. (Let’s face it, no matter our age, we’re always growing). I guess that GWD finally made me what I was meant to be, I just had to find the right place for it.

Life brought me here and I finally found the love I deserve. I just had to stop searching and let it find me first, then let it break down my walls, followed by just being me. The rest fell into place when I finally gave the chance.

My only hope now is to be all I can be and more, we all know I am my worst enemy. Trying is not enough, and I want to be, without failing those close that have won my heart.

Looking back on last week, I think of all things that were great about it.

_ Getting Married
_ Vacation
_ Time spent with loved one
_ Decompress
_ Exercise (we always do a TON of walking on vacation)
_ Laughter

That is just a list to name a few. Of course the getting married was the highlight of the trip and the memorable part of it. But, as I think of everything else, it was just having time, which I spoke of in a blog previously as well, and just the time of ‘being ourselves’. No stress of work, nothing in the way of everything. It was great to be able to spend time with Matt and not have stress from work bogging us down in our moods or worries. It was great to have all day, everyday for the most part to just spend time together. Physically, mentally and emotionally. It was the being able to talk about anything and nothing each day. To laugh and reconnect on that aspect of things.

It seems when we are home its the same routine, work all day, have dinner, and sit in front of a TV or our phones and never really actually having or even taking the time to stay connected on the simplest level, its LIFE, and that part I get. But, With the vacation there was no competing with a electronic or work or anything else. Knowing when speaking you had full attention. Knowing that we were giving each other the attention and time needed.

The time away from home and being somewhere different to totally disconnect from everything was great too. Knowing that work did not have to be an issue to worry about or be exhausted from mentally. Don’t let anyone tell you that burnout isn’t a thing, because it really is and it affects EVERYTHING, not just work performance. While this didn’t ‘cure’ my burnout, it did help to clear the head a little. Yet, I still find come Monday when it was time to return to the job, so did the burnout feeling after just a few days. Its probably the same, repetitive thing that does it. The dread of the workplace in general.

The getting out and walking around Vegas was great. Seeing a different place, even though we had been there before, the being outdoors which is something I enjoy (and probably why I love my hobby of Geocaching so much) and just getting a little exercise in. Another thing that LIFE gets in the way of after I am drained of energy from my job as well as other things.

Its hard to believe at my last job I had gone nearly 8 years without a vacation. Just taking time for myself, or anyone for that matter. Doing so now, having a partner whom I can be with and spend time with, instead of it being me against the world, it is all a great feeling. And as I said in the blog about getting married, never did I think it would happen to find my true partner. Someone who makes everyday, no matter how stressful or dreadful the day itself is, worth getting out of bed for to continue on. That in itself makes life so much easier. The little (and some big) things as mentioned above, that makes it even more worth it.

It happened! A day I never thought would come.. I thought I would be an old cat lady. I got married to my soul mate, my best friend, the man I love and I would call for anything that happens, good or bad.  The man whom ends and starts each day perfectly just by being next to me in bed.

While as he says, nothing ‘feels different, it feels like we were already married’ this may be true. But, there is so much that feels amazing with all of this. Sure, Marriage and the word in itself hasn’t changed who or what we are or have to each other and that feels the same. And it hasn’t and won’t. But it is a commitment, a bond no truer, it’s an intimate commitment, promise and union of forever.

With all this said I promise to always love him as much as I love myself. I promise to always work through the hard and dark times. I promise to always make time for us and if it’s important to him it’s important to me and will remain a top priority and at my highest of things that are made time for. I promise a love that will be healthy and not toxic, free and not binding, supportive and not smothering. All until our last days.

Let’s make a correction. Earlier blog said “its become this love-sick, smitten, corny sap.  Haha. It’s like “Okay, who are you and what have you done with Dana?”

Those who truly know me read that that and said Dana always loves and loves hard, sometimes too hard and not knowing went to stop and gives her all. But this time I know it’s different. This time I can’t stop actually showing the affection. Even when I tell myself to just stop. To stop being me. To stop loving hard. To not show it. To turn my heart off a little bit. This time it’s more natural, this time it’s actually real, this time it’s not me begging for love, instead it’s love that’s filled within me. Instead I’d doing it for all the wrong reasons it’s for all the right. And instead of my heart telling me I need to stop It’s oy my mind telling me I am being too much which is just something I will always fight. Because as I said it never stops and it’s telling me I am too much for my fiance only because that’s what I am reading off him.

But at the end of the day, I know I have finally met my true love, my soulmate and the man I honestly can’t see life with out. Most of all because I am happy even when things aren’t the best. Because we can talk things through, because we can be open and honest wit our feelings and because we know where we are with each other. And at the end of the day, there is no other place I want to be, with out a doubt. And unless the day comes that he tells me otherwise, or there is something that just outright changes this, I see this taking us to our last breath. And if you asked me 4 years ago how my love life would end.. I would have told you, with many puppies! 🤣

All I do wish is this, I wish I had met him sooner so I could have put all the love In all the right places at all the right times, with all the right energy…..

I’m sitting here today, much like I do every day just thinking. Because, well… My mind never stops. It’s always going on about SOMETHING! But if its got one common topic, it is that even after 4 years, its become this love-sick, smitten, corny sap. Haha. It’s like “Okay, who are you and what have you done with Dana?”

Every day, I make it a point that he knows how much I love him, that he knows how important he is to me. and that he knows how much we mean to me. It doesn’t matter if he’s still sleeping, if he’s in the other room, or if he’s sitting right next to me. I try to keep it fun, flirty, and keep a spark in the relationship as well. Sometimes I have to stop myself, because I feel he probably just gets tired of it and I am probably just becoming a little boring with it all to him, but I still find myself doing it *shrugs*. To me though, Every day feels like we we are still freshly dating and new. That is what is so magical. Most would kill to have this kind of romance and to feel this. Hell, maybe its a one sided feeling even. I just know that, I still go to bed at night saying to myself “How did I get lucky to finally find the one this late in life when I was done starting over?” Asking myself, How I still get the butterflies in my stomach when the hugs come from behind, or the small gestures happen.

This is not to say we have everything perfect and its a fairytale romance. But, what we have is real. We talk when there are problems and we work through them. For the first time, I feel I can talk and am not afraid to talk or actually share what I feel (most of the time, and when I do its on me, not him because I do still have my insecure fears due to many things of the past, but I am working though them in learning he will accept me either way). We have our disagreements, but we don’t have full blown fights. We make things work. We listen to each other, most of the time.. and when we are not we have learned to come up with a solution to work together on that to make things better. We know how to laugh. We are who we want to tell each other things to when its big or small. And we lean on each other and depend on each other. We are partners. And most of all, we have trust and a bond. And LOVE!

And as I sit here today, I think to myself, not a day goes by that I don’t think him and us, and our life as one and how much it has changed me as a person for the better. How I think of how its not just love that I feel for him, but how its love that I don’t ever want to feel for anyone else. I think about how he makes me a better part of me, even if he does make me this big ball of mush and for bringing out all the emotions, maybe a little too much at time, I never knew I had that used to hide behind a tough image. I think how he even brings out a more intimate side of me, (which I am sure he’s not too fond of keeping up with.. haha), but a more confident part of me, in a sense.

With him in my life, It has made me want to be a better part of who I am for myself, for him, for his daughter. It has made me realize so much more about myself and the love I have to give to others and am capable of sharing outside of what I loved within, and was so afraid to give to others and that in itself is a gift, that I would not trade. One thing I know for sure is this, I will choose him each day with no regrets. And each day that I look back on March 9, 2020 in Hawaii, I will say Yes all over again when he asked if I would Marry him. I just always hope that he wakes up each morning with that same thought in his mind and with each day forward, will always choose me, even with all my flaws and all my little worries and all my crazy that my mind tends to get, because lord knows I am no where near the perfect I wish I could be. I promise I try, and I really do try to make up for it in many other ways.. I cook, I clean.. and honey got a booty… JK *Smirk*