When you feel undeserving of love –

(reblog)

Just browsing through old blogs this morning and reading.. came across this one and it hit.. I felt it because I don’t feel so deserving of love at the moment with my feelings going on.. felt like a time to reshare to anyone else who may need it.

Read This When You Feel Undeserving Of Love

By Anne Deborah Austria, March 14th 2016

remembrance_life

Most of us beg for love, one way or another. A mistake nearly everyone makes. We plead to our parents, to our friends, to our partners, and sometimes even to our dogs for affection. Piteous.


Love is not something to beg for. It is to be given freely without a second thought, without ifs and buts, without prerequisites, without ultimatums. Love is a gift.

I am doubtful when it comes to the truth about love. All these years, I had to love them first before they could love me back. I have always thought that this is how love works—that it comes with a price; that the bill has to be paid first before someone can truly love you. Another misconception is that you have to ask, or most of the time, beg for it before you can have it.

I bet we have all been to the season of sleepless nights with empty bottles of beers and ashes of cigars. If not yet, then wait for it. We have all been in front of the mirror. We have all stared blankly at our reflection as we tried to wipe away the tears that welled up in our eyes, and we hate how they just won’t stop flowing when we want them to.

We have all asked ourselves the FAQs: What the hell is wrong with me? Why the hell am I not enough? We have all despised ourselves for being so stupid. Little did we know that it is not us, it is them. We do not deserve the people who made us doubt our worth. We do not deserve their love. If they sincerely loved us, they would not have done that. But they did. They destroyed us.

We deserve the love that makes us feel we are enough, more than enough– the love that inspires us to be better than we were yesterday.

This is the kind of love that need not to look for. It will be the one to look for us because we are worth the search. This is the love that would give us eyes that see the good in everything.

We deserve someone who won’t get sick of admiring the rose that we are, but is also courageous enough to embrace the thorns that come with it; someone who could get along with the worst version of ourselves that even we could not accept; someone who could open their eyes and look straight into our flaws; someone who won’t give up just because the situation seems hopeless. We deserve the one who will make us stay no matter how stubborn we are, the one who would pull us back whenever we try to walk away. We deserve someone who would run after us before the movie ends. 

https://thoughtcatalog.com/anne-deborah-austria/2016/03/read-this-when-you-feel-undeserving-of-love/

This Is How You Really Love Someone Through Depression

This was great, well written and hit spot on right in the feels. As if all the crying the last 18 hours wasn’t enough, it hit the tear ducts again. Letting people in is hard, but most of all scary. trying to explain is even harder.

When they choose to let you in that close, what you’ll realize is how opposite this person in front of you on one of their bad days is compared to the one you fell in love with.

This Is How You Really Love Someone Through Depression

Is Sex important in a relationship?

I did not write this and do not own rights to it. It was just a good relationship read I came across and thought I would share for wordpressers alike who like to read on improving.

While I have my thoughts on the topic, and will keep it short.. as far as yes it’s important as its a connection, a bond, especially when all else is lacking. It’s not the number one importance, more like number 3 or 4. Haha.

But yes, it’s important. It helps us in feeling better of ourself when we have doubts of the relationship, or wondering why our partner isn’t interested. It is intimacy, and a whole different level of feeling together and connected. And when you feel that your partner has lost the look in their eyes and the physical attraction, it’s all more obvious when weeks and months go by without intimacy.

Without it there is a missing link. I am not saying that people should screw like rabbits 24/7, well.. unless you have the time.. lmao. But it is part of a relationship and good for your health too, keep each other young at heart, literally.

Sure, there’s those who go to porn, masterbating and sex toys but at that point why have a partner? You can ‘love’ yourself. If you can’t make love to your partner the same, what’s the point? Take that frustration out on your partner. 😉

Is Sex Important in a Relationship? Here’s What Experts Say

Linda RodgersUpdated: Jan. 04, 2021

Every editorial product is independently selected, though we may be compensated or receive an affiliate commission if you buy something through our links.

Experts reveal how important sex is in relationships and how to have a sex life both you and your partner enjoy.

The importance of sex in relationships

Is sex important in a relationship? It almost sounds like a trick question.

Sure, romance is one of the main qualities in successful relationships. And a part of that includes quality sex. But how big a role sex plays in your love life depends on you and your partner.

“What we seem to know is that basically when sex is going well, which means you’re having it consistently, and not having any major problems, then it really only accounts for about 15 to 20 percent of relationship satisfaction,” says certified sex therapist Laurie Mintz, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of Florida in Gainesville and author of A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex.

When your sex life is off track, though, it can make up for most of your dissatisfaction with your partner, she adds. For example, maybe your partner doesn’t want sex when you do.

That’s not surprising for something that provides enormous benefits to your physical and emotional health, both individually and as a couple. But sex is way more than intercourse, say experts. So if that aspect of love-making isn’t happening as often as it used to, don’t despair.

Read on to see why sex (in all its variations) can be so important in relationships—and what to do if one or both of you feel you’re not getting enough.

Defining sex like an expert

When most heterosexual couples think of sex, they’re generally thinking about penis and vagina, says Megan Fleming, PhD, a clinical psychologist specializing in sex and relationships in New York City. “But the basics of sexuality is giving and receiving pleasure.”

So sex is anything you and your partner do consensually that involves erotic and sexual touch and pleasure—and for most of us, that involves genital pleasure, Mintz explains. You give each other oral sex, for instance, or pleasure each other with vibrators or with your hands.

Redefining sex, so it’s broader than intercourse, can be more inclusive of gay and lesbian couples, says Mintz. And it may help you enjoy better sex as you age, too.

“We know that sometimes, as people age, intercourse is not on the table anymore, due to vaginal dryness, erectile issues, and other medical issues,” she says. “And so if we start valuing all of the many ways to pleasure ourselves and our partners, we are much more likely to be able to age into our sexuality more gracefully.” (Here are the common myths about sex after 50.)

Focusing on the mutual pleasure that may or may not include intercourse also can help couples get over performance anxiety, which saps away at your relationship, says Fleming. “If you’re not sure how something’s going to go, you’d rather not feel the disappointment or upset,” she notes. “So some people stop initiating. And that might even look like hugging and kissing because people don’t want to send mixed signals.”

Now that you can think of sex more inclusively, it’s time to see how many perks it brings, both individually and as a couple. (Here’s what happens when you’re not having sex.)

couple in bed view from above

WESTEND61/GETTY IMAGES

Why making love is so good for you

It’s good for your physical health

There’s a whole host of physical benefits that having sex, specifically orgasms, can bring to you. It relieves the pain of arthritis and banishes headaches and menstrual cramps. It’s also good for vaginal health. “Women who orgasm frequently have a lower risk of developing endometriosis and more regular periods,” says Mintz. “It’s also good for bladder control because when you have sex, your pelvic floor muscles get exercise.”

It also keeps your heart healthy, even increasing your life expectancy after a heart attack (at least for men), according to a study published in 2020 in The American Journal of Medicine. Other research in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior found that sex lowers the risk of hypertension in middle-aged and older women. Sex may even be good for your immune system, suggests a small study in the journal Psychological Reports.

It’s good for your emotional well-being

Your brain changes when you have sex. “The way that your brain looks right before orgasm is the same way your brain looks in deep meditation,” says Mintz.

Researchers found that intimacy lowers cortisol, the stress hormone, in men and women, according to research in a 2019 issue of Psychosomatic Medicine. (Here are other tips for quick stress relief.)

Sex can also be an essential part of feeling alive and vital—of having a zest for life, says Fleming.

Another benefit to good sex? It’s validating, says New York City sex therapist Stephen Snyder, MD, author of Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship. “It makes you feel good about yourself in a way few other experiences can match.”

It’s good for your relationship

Mintz calls sex the glue and oil of a relationship. Without it, she says, couples either fall apart or become roommates who share chores, worries, and an occasional laugh. “In terms of the oil, sex helps prevent friction and makes you less irritable,” she says. “I always joke with my clients who I’m trying to help get a better sex life that the things that irritate you about your partner before sex could even be endearing after sex.”

It can also release all those feel-good hormones, including oxytocin and dopamine, which increases feelings of connection and intimacy, says Fleming. Want to know what else increases those feelings? The little ways these couples make their partner feel loved.

Here’s what else it can do: It creates trust and shared memories, because you’re sharing your deepest self with your partner, says Mintz. “It can enhance commitment and appreciation. And most interesting, the more sex you have, the more you want,” she adds. “So good sex is a positive cycle for not only more of those benefits, but for more sex.”

How much sex do you need to reap these benefits?

According to research in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science, you get all these feelings of emotional well-being and connections when you have sex once a week (more often is fine, you just don’t reap more perks).

If that amount seems like a lot, given your life right now, remember: “It’s really up to the couple to decide their ideal frequency,” says Mintz. When it comes up in her couples’ therapy, she tells her clients, “Whatever the two of you work out. I don’t care if it’s once a week or once a month.” But here’s the caveat: Both partners have to be satisfied with the amount, which requires communication and compromise—two key characteristics of a healthy relationship.

Fleming agrees. “If a couple isn’t having sex frequently—whether it’s once a month or once a year—and they’re not distressed by it, then it isn’t a problem,” she says. “It becomes problematic if it’s distressing to one and not to the other. Then it becomes a relationship issue.”

The bottom line: “There is no one-size-fits-all sexuality,” Mintz says. “If you have sex that’s really fun and orgasmic and connected once a month, you might be happier than the people who are having mediocre sex once a week.”

How to have a sex life you’re both happy with

Many relationships have mismatched desire levels—typically, a higher-libido partner with a lower-libido one, say experts. And while you may think your partner just wants sex, it may be the lack of connection and intimacy that your significant other is really missing, notes Fleming. Here’s how to fix that imbalance so that you’re both left satisfied (yes, pun intended).

Work it out

Even though your sexual differences can feel like a relationship deal-breaker, they’re just as negotiable as all the issues you have to compromise on—from whose family to visit over the holidays to how to decorate your new place, says Mintz. “You listen to each other, you talk to each other non-defensively—you really hear what the other person wants and why it’s important to them,” she explains. “And you reach a conclusion, a unique couple compromise.”

Sometimes bringing up the topic can be difficult, but not impossible. Mintz recommends using “I” statements, loving statements, and compliments so that your script looks something like this: “I have something to talk to you about, and it’s really hard for me. …  I’m bringing this up to connect with you because I really love you. I really care about our relationship. And I am not feeling as satisfied as I could be with our sex life.” You list a couple of reasons why and then say, “And I’d really like us to work on

Making space for these conversations could mean the difference between healthy vs unhealthy relationships. If your partner doesn’t want to figure it out with you, then you’ll have to think long and hard whether this is a deal-breaker—and go into therapy yourself.

“If you wanted your partner to do something and they said, ‘No, I don’t care to work on this even though it’s important to you,’ how does that feel?” Mintz says. “It’s not just about sex. It’s about love and partnership in general.”

Take intercourse off the table

Most therapists will do a series of exercises that focus on affectionate touching and get increasingly sexual. They’re called sensate focus exercises, and the aim is to reintroduce sensuality, sexuality, and non-demand touch, says Mintz.

“I tell clients, ‘Do you remember making out in your parents’ driveway? Why was it so erotic? Because you couldn’t finish the deed,’ ” she explains. “But the longer relationships go on, the more often there’s no touch, no making out, no teasing. And all of a sudden, you get in bed, and it’s like, ‘Do you want to?’ ‘Of course not! You haven’t touched me all day, and I’m exhausted.’”

Instead of aiming for, say, weekly sessions that always end in intercourse, focus on what Dr. Snyder calls “erotic intimacy,” which can include sensual touch. “It’s a good idea to get excited together sometimes—just for a minute or two, even when you’re not going to have sex—because it feels good,” he says. “Just a minute or two before falling asleep, or before leaving for work, can do a lot to improve the erotic climate of your relationship.”

Think outside the box

Toss out the idea that monogamy equals monotony. “Most couples fall into what we refer to as scripted sex, meaning it’s the same positions and same time,” says Fleming. “I’m all for having our favorites—our vanilla and chocolate ice cream—but I always speak to couples about expanding the repertoire, what I refer to as having the Greek diner menu,” Fleming says.

So start exploring, she advises. “There are just so many ways to give and receive pleasure. We say the biggest sex organ is our mind, but the biggest organ is our skin, head to toe.” (Here are some more tips to boost your sex drive.)

Get playful

While you’re getting creative, think about adding a few props. One nice-to-have that Fleming suggests to her clients: a massage candle. Once it’s lit, it quickly melts down into massage oil.

“It’s the whole idea of adding a little bit of novelty, something new,” she says. But a massage candle is “also more sensual versus explicitly sexual, which is helpful.” You become more mindful about giving each other pleasure.

If you need more stimulation for arousal, you can try a vibrator or another type of adult sex toy. Or, suggests Fleming, break out special dice or board games, in which one card or die gives a body part and the other the action. “What I like about games is that you’re not having to think about what’s next,” she says. “Something external is giving you that guidance or cue, which could be really helpful.”

Another benefit about toys and games: They give you more permission to explore new things, says Fleming, as long as both of you are honest about telling each other what seems worth trying and feels good and what doesn’t (or can be revisited later).

Schedule your love-making

Set a date and time for these erotic sessions (and clear the calendar so you can stick to it). Here’s a hint: You may want to pencil it in during the hours that experts say is the best time to have sex.

“Culturally, we think that sex is supposed to be spontaneous, and the reality is that even when you were young, it was more about opportunity than the spontaneity,” says Fleming. Even if it’s tough to find a few minutes in your crazy busy life (and crowded household), it’s essential to prioritize a time for pleasure and connection, however the two of you define that, Fleming says.

Say yes to one thing

Sometimes your partner initiates sex, and your first response may be to say no, for whatever reason (you’re exhausted, you’re facing a looming deadline, your kids were particularly demanding). When that’s the case, figure out if there’s one small thing you can say yes to—like a back massage or your partner stroking your hair, advises Fleming.

“Because if you say, ‘Oh, that feels good,’ and your body gets aroused, then the desire kicks in,” she adds. The point is to be open and receptive and see what happens. And then take it from there

Surrounded: How Books Are Keeping Me Going in Quarantine

My name is Marina, and I’m addicted to books. They’re everywhere. I stack them anywhere there is an open space. My closet holds more books than …

Surrounded: How Books Are Keeping Me Going in Quarantine

7 Reminders Every Girl With A Soft Heart Needs Right Now  — Thought Catalog

7 Reminders Every Girl With A Soft Heart Needs Right Now 

1. The right person is not going to consider you clingy. They are going to be excited about all of the attention you give. They are never going to accuse you of coming across too strong. They are never going to make you feel like you need to tone it down. They are going to appreciate your honesty and straightforwardness. They are going to appreciate how open you’ve always been with them from the start.

2. Your emotions are not a symbol of weakness. It takes strength to be honest about your feelings — even with yourself. Most people find it much easier to lie to themselves about what they want and what they are experiencing. Even though you might feel silly for getting so worked up over certain things, you need to remember that expressing your emotions is actually a good thing. It’s good that you let yourself feel. It’s good that you are in touch with your emotions. It’s good that you aren’t pushing your worries away and are facing them head-on.

3. Even though your soft heart can occasionally get you into trouble, it has also brought you so many beautiful things. Friendships. Relationships. Experiences. You might have gone through some rough heartaches, but you’ve also formed connections that are going to stay strong throughout your lifetime. Don’t dwell on what you’ve lost for so long that you forget about everything you’ve gained.

4. You should be proud of your strong moral conscience. You should be happy you always prioritize the right thing over the easy thing. Sure, there might be moments when you wish you were more cutthroat because people like that seem to have an easier time getting ahead, but your soft heart is invaluable. You always do the right thing. And that’s one of the most amazing things about you.

5. People who come across as unemotional, who hide away their true feelings, have probably gone through as many horrors as you. You’ve simply chosen to deal with your emotions differently. They’ve closed themselves off while you’ve remained open. You’ve remained positive. You’re actively choosing to see the best in people, to see the best in the world, and that’s not easy to accomplish.

6. Even though you’re a giver, you have to learn to accept things in return. You might feel more comfortable doing favors than receiving favors, but you deserve a helping hand, too. Don’t chase away kindness. Admit you deserve it as much as anyone else.

7. Your soft heart isn’t going to make it harder for you to find love. It’s actually going to make it easier for you to work out who is going to be a temporary presence in your world and who is more permanent. The temporary people aren’t going to understand your soft heart. They aren’t going to handle it gently. They aren’t going to get what you need from them and give it to you. But that’s okay because you don’t belong with those people. You belong with someone who appreciates the real you. Someone who would never ask you to change. TC mark

This Is What Getting Engaged Really Means Because It’s About More Than A Sparkly Ring And A Party

This Is What Getting Engaged Really Means Because It’s About More Than A Sparkly Ring And A Party

This Is What Getting Engaged Really Means Because It’s About More Than A Sparkly Ring And A Party


— Read on thoughtcatalog.com/holly-riordan/2020/01/this-is-what-getting-engaged-really-means-because-its-about-more-than-a-sparkly-ring-and-a-party/

Love this and could not have said it better. 10 years ago I would have said I ask never getting married and marriage is just a piece of paper, but when you find real honest to god love and you find more than just that it changes your views and how you see things.

Getting engaged is about more than getting a diamond ring. It’s about more than throwing a party. It’s about more than posting cute pictures on social media. It’s about more than a single day celebrating your love by exchanging vows in front of your closest friends and family. It’s also about keeping those vows. It’s about living by those vows, even now, even before you walk down the aisle.

Getting engaged means prioritizing someone else. It means valuing their happiness as much as your own. It means making an unbreakable promise you’re always going to be there for them. You’re always going to support them. You’re always going to have their best interest at heart.

Getting engaged means settling down. It means staying with one person. It means giving up your other options. It means feeling confident that this is the person for you, this is the person who will make you happiest, this is the person who is the most worthwhile. It means you wouldn’t pick anyone else.

Getting engaged means opening yourself up in every possible way. It means putting your flaws on display. It means being your most vulnerable. It means giving another person your entire heart, no exceptions. It means allowing them to know you in the most intimate ways, without holding anything back, without keeping any secrets, without entertaining any doubts.

Getting engaged means putting your trust in someone who could potentially hurt you. It means believing them when they say they are never going to do you wrong. It means trusting that they’re never going to screw you over. And it means making the same promise to them. It means never taking them for granted. It means trying your hardest to avoid causing them pain. It means always doing the right thing by them.

Getting engaged means making a home inside of another person’s heart. It means being comfortable together. It means feeling safe together. It means you’re happiest when you’re together. No matter where you are, no matter what you’re doing, you feel better as long as they’re standing by your side.

Getting engaged means agreeing to work hard. It means giving your partner the time, energy, and affection they deserve. It means going out of your way for them, even on days when it’s inconvenient. It means understanding there are going to be moments when they’re tired or stressed or sick and you’ll have to help out more. It means being okay with being a helping hand.

Getting engaged means you’re on the same team. It means you make decisions together. It means you talk through your problems. It means you make compromises. It means you’re more than partners. More than soulmates. You’re best friends, too.

Getting engaged means making a commitment. It means you aren’t going anywhere. It means you can survive anything the world throws at you. It means you’re going to fight to keep your relationship strong because you believe it’s worth the effort. You believe this is the real deal. This is what love really looks like.

Nailed it..

The Worst Part Of Anxiety Is Feeling Unloved, Unimportant, And Unappreciated

Anxiety makes you feel like a burden. You don’t want to text your friends, even though you’re dying to hang out with them, because you’re worried they won’t want anything to do with you. You don’t want to walk over and say hello to your crush, even though you’re tempted to make a move, because you’re worried they’re going to look at you funny. You don’t even want to walk up to the cashier, even though you’re next in line, because you’re worried about bothering them.

That’s how anxiety makes you feel. Like you’re a bother. A waste of time. A nuisance.

You might get anxious because you’re worried about making a fool of yourself, because you’re scared of socializing, because you don’t want to stumble over your words or your own two feet, but when it comes down to it, the thing you’re worried about is being rejected. Being judged. Being told you aren’t good enough. Being looked at like you’re an outsider, like you don’t belong, like you’re unwanted.

Anxiety tricks you into feeling unloved. It makes you feel like you’re the one who cares more in every relationship. It makes you wonder whether all of your friends secretly hate you, even when they’ve never given you any indication of such a thing.

Whenever someone is nice to you, it feels like a trick. Whenever someone glances at you, it feels like they’re judging. Whenever you leave the house, it feels like a challenge.

Anxiety tricks you into feeling unimportant. It makes you feel like you don’t have the right to voice your opinion. Like whatever you have to say doesn’t make a difference. Like no one wants to hear it.

You think twice before you speak, because you’re worried about saying the wrong thing, but by the time you’re ready to open your mouth, the conversation has already shifted. You’ve already lost your chance to join in. You feel like you’re always missing out, like you’re always watching through a window.

Anxiety tricks you into feeling unappreciated. You feel like no one notices all of the hard work you’ve been putting into your work and your relationships. You feel like no one cares about the stress you’ve been under. All you want is a pat on the back, the tiniest bit of validation, but you never get it, so it feels like you must be doing something wrong. It feels like you must not be good enough.

Anxiety tricks you into feeling uninspired. It makes you feel like you’re never going to do anything worthwhile with your life. Like you’re never going to be considered successful. Like you’re never going to reach your dreams. If you’re not careful, it can fool you into settling, into thinking a mediocre life is enough because you don’t deserve anything more than that.

The worst part of anxiety is feeling like you’re unloved, unimportant, and unappreciated — but you have to remember that your anxiety is playing tricks on you. The horrible things you’ve been thinking other people are thinking aren’t true. No one is judging you as harshly as you’ve been judging yourself. No one else hates you as much as you hate your anxiety.

When You Love Someone, You Figure Out The Future Together

When You Love Someone, You Figure Out The Future Together

When You Love Someone, You Figure Out The Future Together


— Read on thoughtcatalog.com/holly-riordan/2019/10/when-you-love-someone-you-figure-out-the-future-together-2/

5 Ways To Ensure Your Woman Feel Loved

5 Ways To Ensure Your Woman Feel Loved

5 Ways To Ensure Your Woman Feel Loved


— Read on thoughtcatalog.com/mitzi-bockmann/2019/09/5-ways-to-ensure-your-woman-feel-loved/

I love this place to go read short blogs. This one though. ❤️ Not all woman need to be given flowers and gifts.. it’s the small more memorable things that have meaning.

Concealed depression

15 real habits of people with concealed depression

15 Habits of people with concealed depression

I debated on sharing this when I read it a couple nights ago, as we came up on 5 years since Robin Williams took his life that humored us all. He was a favorite of mine and even one I watched most when I was depressed, from one extreme to another. patch Adams is an all time favorite. But ‘Dead Poets Society’, Mrs. Doubtfire.. and so on. But I read this, knowing it was also what he went through and nodding to myself knowing what in the list (some.. not all) that I could relate to as well.

To those who suffer, you are not alone. It you suffer the silent depression, let it and learn to let it speak out.. find someone, anyone. It hurts, and yes to some, like Mr. Williams, it kills.

Life Is Too Short To Settle | Thought Catalog

Life Is Too Short To Settle | Thought Catalog
— Read on thoughtcatalog.com/olivia-ann-rose-clarke/2019/08/life-is-too-short-to-settle/

I was thinking about this earlier.. well.. I thought on that later because this is a blog I actually already have in a draft.. it’s a same difference, really…

2021 3-star OG Noah Josey reacts to first-ever visit to Michigan

2021 3-star OG Noah Josey reacts to first-ever visit to Michigan

https://wolverineswire.usatoday.com/2019/07/30/michigan-football-recruiting-noah-josey-bbq-big-house/
— Read on wolverineswire.usatoday.com/2019/07/30/michigan-football-recruiting-noah-josey-bbq-big-house/

Married Couples Give Advice To Couples Deep In Love — Thought Catalog

1. You can have a good time with almost anyone. Don’t marry someone unless you know that you can have a bad time with that person. Marry someone who will have your back during disasters and help you clean up, pick up all the pieces and laugh together. Marry someone who will help you clean up puke, poop, and pee (especially if you plan to have pets and kids) and who will run you a hot shower when you’re done. Marry your “partner in disaster” and you’ll end up having a good laugh while you’re using the wet-vac to clean up an exploded fish tank together.

2. Remember that you are going into marriage not for funsies, but in order to be a better person.

Occasionally, this will happen because your spouse is inspiring you to greater heights of idealism and love.

Much more often, it will happen because your spouse is giving you ahem an opportunity to be loving. (Because she didn’t have time for dishes, or didn’t notice the milk on the counter, or really needs some sexy times tonight regardless of your headache, or is just in a bad mood tonight.) A great deal of marriage is sucking it up and doing unpleasant things lovingly, recognizing that you create plenty of ahem opportunities for your spouse as well (whether you notice or not)… and never, ever keeping score.

Once you’ve stopped keeping score and made your whole life about the good of the family, marriage ironically becomes a lot more fun than it is if you go in just expecting it to be fun!

(Obviously, there are lines to be drawn here. “Loving your spouse” does not mean tolerating abuse or failing to communicate your needs. But marriage is mainly about giving up your life to caring for somebody else — that’s what the vows say, after all — and I think we lose sight of that too often here in the early 21st century.)

3. The point of arguing is not to win, it is to understand where they’re coming from and why this issue matters to them.

4. Anger is neither a reason nor an excuse for bad behavior. You will get angry, you will fight, but you should never insult, indulge in name-calling, throw things, or hit them. If you cannot or choose not to control what comes out of your mouth when you are angry work on that first, get married second.

5. Someone once told me “once you get married your wife becomes your family and your family become your relatives.” Really helped me through any stressful family gatherings, knowing we had each other’s backs, being our own team.

6. Be prepared to date each other forever. The second you stop courting each other, it all falls apart. No reason to not go on one date a week just the two of you.

7. You can’t fix everything. If someone has a bad day, there may not be anything outward that can be done to fix it. Sometimes they just need time and to know you’re there.

8. Be weird with each other. Everyone is odd in someway. Stepping back from the stresses of life and being goofy is the best part of my day. Your spouse should love every part of you so be yourself and have fun! Marriage is not as serious as people make it out to be.

9. Humans are stupid – me and you included. Happiness isn’t getting everything you want. It’s the habit of being happy with what you have. Mad at your spouse for something stupid, like forgetting clothes in the washing machine? Stop being mad, make a cup of tea for both of you, then laugh at it.

It’s a habit – so you’ve gotta create that habit. But once that habit is created, you stop getting mad about stupid things. When you’re with someone for years and you get rid of stupid fights, it becomes quite easy to be happy (assuming overall compatibility).

10. Try to be mad at a behavior, not at your partner. Telling someone that this form of communication isn’t effective for you, can we try another way. This action creates a problem for me, leaving us unbalanced would this way work better. Communication is everything. You’re going to be together forever, please be comfortable sticking up for yourself, your marriage, and your partner.

11. It’s not a 50/50 partnership. Each partner has to be ready and willing to put in 100%, when the other partner cannot. Sometimes you have to give more and the books may never balance out AND that’s OK!

12. If you have any doubts DO NOT GO THROUGH WITH THE WEDDING IT WILL GET WORSE.

13. Have each other’s back. Be loyal. No shit talking the other person to outsiders, or ESPECIALLY to family. You need to be each other’s best friend. If you have a problem, work it out. Don’t go airing your dirty laundry to other people.

14. If you can do a little thing to make your spouse’s day better/life easier, do it. Bring them coffee. Buy that cheese they like. Remember to set up their favourite shows to record. Grand gestures are great, but little things daily remind each other why you’re together.

15. The marriage is more important than the wedding/reception.

16. Separate bathrooms. No, not kidding.

17. Stole this from Dan Savage: establish sexual compatibility early in a relationship. I don’t mean on the first date, but before you get married because it’s only going to get more difficult later.

It can be something as simple as, sex isn’t that important to either of you. It can be talking about what’s acceptable in terms of dealing with fantasies and fetishes. Heck, just finding out if you’re both willing to have an honest conversation about it is worth knowing.

18. You don’t have to blow $30k for your wedding. That’s a down payment on a house! No one is going to remember what color your brides maids dresses were, or what flavor your cake was. They’re going to remember how much fun it was, who got the most drunk, who had the worst dance moves, and how happy you (two) were that day.

You are going to want to strangle each other during the planning process. Just relax, have a glass of wine or something, and talk it out.

19. Make sure you agree on the big stuff

Do you want kids, how many?

Who is going to be a stay at home parent if any?

If we both get the job of our dreams and both require moving, what do we do?

What is okay in case of unplanned pregnancy?

How should our money be set up and spent?

Is religious belief important? If so what religion? What if one of us changes/gains/loses religion?

20. Have separate blankets. Nothing builds resentment like a freezing butt at 3am.

21. Admit when you’re wrong. Ask open-ended questions when you’re right.

22. Don’t cheat. There is pretty much no coming back from that. Something will always be lost.

23. Assume nothing. Your spouse is not in your brain, cannot read your mind and cannot interpret passive aggressiveness with the intent that you’re trying to deliver.

24. You are your own self. When you’ve been together a long while, its easy for all your hobbies, interests, values and beliefs to become exactly the same. That doesn’t mean you aren’t entitled to do things for yourself or have a differing opinion. Have at least one ‘thing’ that is your thing to keep yourself sane and interesting.

25. Never rush marriage, at the end of the day it’s really nothing more than a piece of paper, what really matters is in your heart.

Second piece of advice, they better be your best friend or it most likely won’t work out.

This is someone you’ll be spending the rest of your life with(if all goes as planned). And the older you get, the less friends you’ll have and the more you’ll spend with your significant other.

26. Disagreements happen. Find a middle ground. There is always a middle ground.

Ignore the people who say, “never go to bed angry”. A lot of times the middle ground presents itself after a good night’s sleep.

Have two comfortable places to sleep. It will come in handy during disagreements but they’re a god send if someone is sick, has allergies and snores.

27. You’re a team. Act like it. Especially in front of the kids.

28. When fighting, think of your entire relationship and ask yourself, “Is this going to matter over the course of the relationship?” Probably not.

29. Fucking clean up after yourself.

30. Gratitude is key. This sounds easy, but let me explain.

The key is that gratitude is not a balancing test. Don’t just be grateful the ‘extra’ things your spouse does, be grateful for every.single.thing.

If you shop for food, then prep it, cook it, then clear the table, then load the dishwasher, then clean all the pots and pans – and then later your spouse empties the dishwasher, thank them for doing that, and feel it.

To me, this is a hard thing for people to do, and it is such a huge part of the happiness in marriage. It leads to a feedback loop of appreciation for the little things as well as the big.

It makes it more likely that your spouse will appreciate you and (unless you married a terrible person) far more likely that they will do more.

You will also see more of the things they do.

This isn’t just ‘stuff,’ but anything. Grateful for listening, for sharing, for sitting on the couch, for having your child etc. etc.

31. The biggest transition is if you weren’t living together before. Getting used to sharing everything can be difficult for some but good communication is key to making things work.

Discuss finances, once married you take on each other’s debts and responsibilities. It’s important to know what those are before the wedding. Finances are one of, if not the, biggest reasons for failed marriages, so get on the same page early and stay there.

32. Create a budget before you merge finances and make sure you’re both on the same page.

33. Do a lot of those “questions to discuss before marriage” quizzes. You may find trigger points you never would have thought of on your own. It’s better to hear these things in a theoretical, not in a time you need to make a decision or are under emotional stress.

But most importantly: MAKE SURE YOU AGREE ON WHETHER TO HAVE KIDS! Don’t assume he/she will come around to the idea. If you’re pushing your significant other to have kids, you will basically be a single parent. They won’t feel responsible for the child because they didn’t want them to begin with and were being nice to you in having a baby. On the flip side, if you convince your significant other NOT to have children, you’re setting yourself up for a lot of resentment if they had to choose between you and a future they’ve probably built up in their mind for most of their life. The decision of whether or not to have children impacts Every. Single. Moment. of the rest of your life. Don’t try to convince someone they really will come to love the opposite outcome.

34. Fuck first. If there’s an expectation or hope of sex after a wedding, birthday, arbor day, Valentine’s day etc… Do the sex part before to avoid getting too tired, full, or bloated to have sex after.

35. Just keep doing what you’re doing, marriage is really no different, it’s just paper. Keep doing what made you two fall in love in the first place, continue to be honest, and open, loving.

36. If you have a problem with your partner, no matter how small it is, talk to them about it. They may not realize they’re doing something that bothers you (like squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube not the end, like some kind of savage).

37. Feelings fluctuate. Some days you won’t want to look at them, other days you’ll wonder how you found such a wonderful person. It’s normal and the bad times will pass as long as both of you actively want to make things work.

38. It’s gonna get boring. Remember that your spouse is probably as bored as you. Just tough it out.

39. Always be polite: Clean up after yourself. Say “please” and “thank you.” Remember that your spouse is a whole person and not a prop in your life.

40. Give each other at least 30 min a day without phones/TV.

41. Even if you aren’t having troubles, going to marriage counseling of some sort can be a solid idea. It can help to have a voice from outside of the relationship giving perspective to potential issues that can arise.

42. Treat your spouse better than you would a casual acquaintance. For example you would never tell Betty from the office she looks fat or Joe your bowling buddy his new haircut is ugly. Basically be kind. You and SO are the home team. Take on all comers and have each other’s back.

43. Pick your battles! Who cares if they never put on a new roll of toilet paper. Just do it and move on. There are much more important things in life than nagging your partner for menial shit.

44. Accept that you will change. They will change. Change is growth and growth is human.

45. You are a team. Either you both win, or neither of you do.

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