She hates when she feels this way. Just down. She’s hates when her minds racing and it won’t stop. It’s the feeling of being so alone in her thoughts and feelings that even if she could put them in any more words than she already has, that it would still seem unexplained. It would still seem if it wasn’t that important anyhow, as if it’s just wallowing.
She hates feeling this way. A way in where she needs. She needs to know she’s loved. A need for comfort. She needs the love and comfort of her ‘home’. And most of all she needs to not have to ask for it. She needs it to be naturally occurring and not just given out of pity or ‘to make her feel better’.
She hates feeling like she’s misunderstood, yet she gets it. When something hits her it hits her harder than a alot. It hits her emotions and she feels it in every ounce of her being. She hates that she feels, sometimes. Remembering back when she was numb to emotion. It was easier, yet she wouldn’t trade for the world the self-love and strength and all she has become.
And most of all and the reason she hates all this, including the use of the word she never uses.. HATE.. is because she does know she is stronger than this. And above all she knows this is temporary and she will pull through it, it may just be a lonely struggle, as it always is, and that’s the hardest part.
If only it were simple for everyone else. If only there was some Google search, some ‘recipe page’, some way to see how to help, how to better understand on. If only there were terms she could use, emotions she could share that made her a little easier for everyone. If only she could be less scared of being treated so different each and every time and in others own way, rejected by the disapproval, the judgement, the kid gloves and the avoidance when she needs them most because they fear her. Sure, she takes words to heart but that’s not a bad thing, she’s only listening, empathizing and also trying to understand the others feeling, and what she causes.
She hates that this is a part of her she tries so hard to hide, because it’s the part of her that’s not the best of her, and that’s all that’s ever truly accepted. She hates that the one thing that gets her out of bed each day, the thing that makes her smile no matter how she feels, can’t touch her. That it can’t look at her. That it can’t understand.
She hates that she has any weakness in her. Hates the pain she feels, physically due to health issues and in these times she hates that all she wants to do is cry when she’s hurting emotionally, but that’s where her strength won’t allow it.
But what she doesn’t hate is that she still tries to remind herself of the below, even if she may not believe it in the moment, it too shall pass.. because she needs to know it..