She hates the word hate, but it’s suitable

She hates when she feels this way. Just down.  She’s hates when her minds racing and it won’t stop. It’s the feeling of being so alone in her thoughts and feelings that even if she could put them in any more words than she already has, that it would still seem unexplained. It would still seem if it wasn’t that important anyhow, as if it’s just wallowing.

She hates feeling this way.  A way in where she needs.  She needs to know she’s loved.  A need for comfort. She needs the love and comfort of her ‘home’.  And most of all she needs to not have to ask for it.  She needs it to be naturally occurring and not just given out of pity or ‘to make her feel better’.

She hates feeling like she’s misunderstood, yet she gets it. When something hits her it hits her harder than a alot. It hits her emotions and she feels it in every ounce of her being. She hates that she feels, sometimes. Remembering back when she was numb to emotion. It was easier, yet she wouldn’t trade for the world the self-love and strength and all she has become.

And most of all and the reason she hates all this, including the use of the word she never uses.. HATE.. is because she does know she is stronger than this. And above all she knows this is temporary and she will pull through it, it may just be a lonely struggle, as it always is, and that’s the hardest part.

If only it were simple for everyone else. If only there was some Google search, some ‘recipe page’, some way to see how to help, how to better understand on. If only there were terms she could use, emotions she could share that made her a little easier for everyone. If only she could be less scared of being treated so different each and every time and in others own way, rejected by the disapproval, the judgement, the kid gloves and the avoidance when she needs them most because they fear her. Sure, she takes words to heart but that’s not a bad thing, she’s only listening, empathizing and also trying to understand the others feeling, and what she causes.

She hates that this is a part of her she tries so hard to hide, because it’s the part of her that’s not the best of her, and that’s all that’s ever truly accepted. She hates that the one thing that gets her out of bed each day, the thing that makes her smile no matter how she feels, can’t touch her. That it can’t look at her. That it can’t understand.

She hates that she has any weakness in her. Hates the pain she feels, physically due to health issues and in these times she hates that all she wants to do is cry when she’s hurting emotionally, but that’s where her strength won’t allow it.

But what she doesn’t hate is that she still tries to remind herself of the below, even if she may not believe it in the moment, it too shall pass.. because she needs to know it..

The day overthinking ruined her..

Was it just a bad dream, or was it a reality?

She always thought things through, over and over in her head. Always worrying. While overthinking can be beneficial to some aspects of life, she found out the hard way it was in love that it can quickly shatter things, and it was on that day, that day that he left and slipped right through her fingers and she finally damaged it all that she knew.

If she saw him unhappy, she always felt it was with her. If he was distant, she took the amount of time that he was to heart. And the overthinking continued on. And then she would not say anything because she would know it probably sounded irrational so she tried to tell herself it was nothing, she truly did! she knew it was her feelings and that it might cause problems, she knew she was always a problem in that way. In the way she loved to much. And she was scared to lose him one way or another, and how could she win. She feared either way.

She finally learned that constant worry will only bring you one thing, the biggest hurt you will ever endure, heartache. When you lose the one true love you’ve ever known. When you wake up that one cold morning and he’s gone, for good. Never returning. And this time it’s not just him gone in his heart or his mind, but in his body as well.

Her constant worry, her constant overthinking, even the amount of love and affection, he realized were not for him. And he pulled away. By the time he used the words that it was threatening them, by the time she knew what was and had always been her, and while she has always been trying to change what was so hard, it was to late to keep trying. He was already too far gone inside, and now he was gone outside.

And now she sees her worry wasn’t just a worry, the withdrawal was what it was. And she pushed him so far away and she let him slip away. She’s lost her love and her heart. She’s damaged all that she loved, she’s damaged goods, and it’s too late to fix what she should have long ago. She was to blind to see through all the overthinking. She made his life impossible and he had to set himself free, to be happy, she can’t blame him. Her intent was good, she loved to hard, she worried so much, and the day came that it ruined everything.

Her thoughts, her fears, her love, they all let her heart and her happiness walk away, without looking back. But she knows now he can be happy, he can love someone truly and he can live free. He did what he chose for a life he wanted, and she was not it. He will not be tortured any longer in his life of hell.

She will let herself go, she will learn new ways, just as she planned to work on. She will continue on. She will keep growing. And the love that will stay is always going to be the love from within. While flawed, she will always find the ways to love an ounce of it.



I’ve tried, tried, tried..

I’ve tried, tried, tried, and i’ve tried even more
I’ve cried, cried, cried, and I can’t recall what for
I’ve pressed, i’ve pushed, i’ve yelled, i’ve begged
In hopes of some success
But the inevitable fact is that it never will impress!

I’ve no more fucks to give
My fucks have run adry
I’ve tried to go fuck shopping but there’s no fucks left to buy!
I’ve no more fucks to give
Though more fucks i’ve tried to get
I’m over my fuck budget, and i’m now in fucking debt!

And if you don’t know the rest then well that’s on you….

This about sums up my Friday! After a nice Thursday of being extremely proud of a certain 5th grader for graduating, a nice dinner that however did not agree with me and left me sick all night and this morning and just some other blah feelings on top of some tremendous stress of work. I want to go to bed.

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