Comfortable in her skin

For as long as she could remember, it didn’t matter how thin she was or not, she wasn’t comfortable to be seen in her own skin. Whether it was a swimsuit or her partner seeing her in the nude. Not one person or thing made her ever feel ‘sexy’. It wasn’t for lack of trying in the past years. She did try the lingerie in her younger years, but always felt rejected when she did. Being told things like “What are you wearing? Put some clothes on” when trying to surprise her partner whom was the one whom asked for it in the first place, and only reason she ever did it. Or being shamed for what she bought and told it ‘Looked like something of a prison shag’ because of the lace pattern.

She has learned that while it took her a long time to love herself, it didn’t stop there. She had been criticizing herself, her image, for years, and now it was time to start approving of herself and see what happened. She knows she will never be that woman that all men are staring at on the side with the bigger breasts or the perfect skin. She will never be that woman with the perfect body or hair. She also knows that those women that these men are staring at and see, mostly on the internet are about 10% of the population, that they will never have. 🙂 What she will be at the end of the day is herself.

After several years she finally became comfortable enough in her own skin that she could at least where a swimsuit in front of people and not feel she had to hide her skin. She was able to finally face a mirror and look at herself with a little bit of confidence. But, if it came to an intimate level she was still very ashamed. It didn’t matter with whom, it was a lights out, don’t look. She just couldn’t get past the though of anyone seeing her in a way they would like.

It wasn’t until one day, after several years with her partner that she really felt comfortable in her skin, in front of him. Her confidence had risen, and she started to show it more. She felt more comfortable in the light. She felt more comfortable and confident laying in bare skin and not feeling the need to hide it. She was confident enough to try lingerie again and to ‘try’ to be appealing to the eyes that loved her. Putting all fear of rejection and shame that she knew could potentially come just from her past experiences. When the rejection came this time though, it didn’t hurt, not like before. This time she told herself this wasn’t on her, but she also realized maybe it wasn’t for her.

She’s more comfortable in her skin, even as it ages. As scars show, there are stretch marks and imperfections. She knows her skin will always be her skin and it is who she is. Its her outer shell, Its the first thing the eyes see before getting to know her inner beauty. She knows that she can love what she sees in the mirror no matter the imperfections, those are what define her, those are what make her just as beautiful.

You don’t know everyone’s story

You don’t know their stories or what weighs on his or her shoulders every day. You just know you see their strengths or weaknesses and how they carry them self and cares for others or continue on with all their might. You just know that everyday they wake up and they love. They love their family, they loves themselves, and they have accomplished everything they thought they couldn’t. You know they smiles even when they have so much going on. You know that they put one feet forward and they carry the attitude of even if they are falling on their faces, they are still moving forward.

But, here is what you don’t know. You don’t know that when they awaken each and every morning, they are wishing that just once someone would reach for them first in the morning instead of a phone or a tv remote, and make them the first thing of a priority in the day. To make them the first good morning of the day instead of thinking of anything else, to say “you were the very first thing that crossed my mind when I opened my eyes”, just as they do for others. To be that and have that feeling that someone would think of them, whether they be in another room, another city, another state, whether it be family, a friend, a coworker or a significant other. Just to know that for one day, someone cared, and for just one day they didn’t always feel so lonely.

You don’t know that they are wishing just once that someone would be there to build them up for once. Someone to tell them they are beautiful or handsome or to tell them they are strong, instead of only hearing it from their own lips. Someone to tell them they are appreciated for what they do. Someone to be an ear to listen, and truly give 100% attention that they could feel. Someone to ask them how their day was. They also have their days where they too need someone to reverse the role and be the glue and staples for their life, and help hold them together when things feel a little crazy.

You don’t know their story or their daily struggles, we don’t know if the person was abused, we don’t know if the person was a past or even present drug addict, we don’t know if they suffer depression/anxiety, you don’t know the health issues they face. We don’t know what they have overcome from the past or are going through in the present. And we don’t know if they are putting on the happiest face ever to hide pain.

You don’t know the story, the story where some days they just needs a break. Some days they just needs to relax. Some days they just need peace. A little help. A hug. And sometimes to just not have to ask for any of it and hope that people just know that they too are human and needs all the same things that everyone needs as a human being. At the end of the day, everyone is just that. At the end of the day its what everyone’s true story boils down to, we are all really just human. We all think, we all feel, we all struggle, we all need, we all breathe.

You don’t know their stories but what you do need to know is that all lives matter, and all lives do have some story to tell and they all make some sense once you get to know them, you just have to want to put the time into understanding them.

The day overthinking ruined her..

Was it just a bad dream, or was it a reality?

She always thought things through, over and over in her head. Always worrying. While overthinking can be beneficial to some aspects of life, she found out the hard way it was in love that it can quickly shatter things, and it was on that day, that day that he left and slipped right through her fingers and she finally damaged it all that she knew.

If she saw him unhappy, she always felt it was with her. If he was distant, she took the amount of time that he was to heart. And the overthinking continued on. And then she would not say anything because she would know it probably sounded irrational so she tried to tell herself it was nothing, she truly did! she knew it was her feelings and that it might cause problems, she knew she was always a problem in that way. In the way she loved to much. And she was scared to lose him one way or another, and how could she win. She feared either way.

She finally learned that constant worry will only bring you one thing, the biggest hurt you will ever endure, heartache. When you lose the one true love you’ve ever known. When you wake up that one cold morning and he’s gone, for good. Never returning. And this time it’s not just him gone in his heart or his mind, but in his body as well.

Her constant worry, her constant overthinking, even the amount of love and affection, he realized were not for him. And he pulled away. By the time he used the words that it was threatening them, by the time she knew what was and had always been her, and while she has always been trying to change what was so hard, it was to late to keep trying. He was already too far gone inside, and now he was gone outside.

And now she sees her worry wasn’t just a worry, the withdrawal was what it was. And she pushed him so far away and she let him slip away. She’s lost her love and her heart. She’s damaged all that she loved, she’s damaged goods, and it’s too late to fix what she should have long ago. She was to blind to see through all the overthinking. She made his life impossible and he had to set himself free, to be happy, she can’t blame him. Her intent was good, she loved to hard, she worried so much, and the day came that it ruined everything.

Her thoughts, her fears, her love, they all let her heart and her happiness walk away, without looking back. But she knows now he can be happy, he can love someone truly and he can live free. He did what he chose for a life he wanted, and she was not it. He will not be tortured any longer in his life of hell.

She will let herself go, she will learn new ways, just as she planned to work on. She will continue on. She will keep growing. And the love that will stay is always going to be the love from within. While flawed, she will always find the ways to love an ounce of it.

#fictionalwriting

#thoughts

Every day is a second chance, and some are new beginnings..

Every day is a new day. A new beginning. A second chance. To place our feet one foot in front of the other and use them for the day ahead of us and to be patient in our frustrations.

Everyday is a day to forget the yesterday’s and move on to the today’s. It’s a time to look at what may be weighing us down from yesterday’s mistakes and using them as stepping stones today.

We have opened our eyes in the morning for a reason. For the second chance to be a better ‘you’. To change the negatives to positives. To live life to its fullest. To work with the ones we love so that together we can live lives together to the fullest and not let it fall apart.

Some days give us a second chance, some days give us a new beginning. If you just believe in yourself you can find the wisdom and strength. Don’t give up. It will seem hard some days. You may seem like you have failed. But on the days of new beginnings take the clean slate and write your beginning. Create the life you want to live.

Just a touch

They lay together side by side. Her head on his chest as she listens to his heart beat. His arm under her head as his hand rests on her side.

There is no other place she would rather be than in his embrace. It is in these moments when all of her worry, all of her sadness and all of her loneliness lifts and fades.

It’s the place her heart, body and soul long for. And as they lay there side by side she finds this to be her most intimate moment. It’s not the love making intimacy, but that of his soul touching hers. That’s when you know that a love is so real. That’s when you know you have found that forever person. 💕

One love, two hearts.. two breaths, one connection. Two heart beats and one shared life. Two arms holding her tight, one place of safety and security.

All my life

All of my teenage and adult years I loved you, but I didn’t know exactly who you were.  I didn’t know what your face looked like.  I didn’t know if we would ever be together.  All my life I tried to see you in others, and I gave them the love you deserved.  Selling my heart short. All my life you were just a dream, in all reality.

It was then one day, you became a reality.  You came along when I stopped searching for you, when I had lost all hope and faith.  But, when you came along, you were just as I imagined.  Perfect for me, as I was perfect for you, both in our imperfections and flaws.

You came into my life and you shattered the bricks that filled my walls, you taught me that it is okay to be loved for me by someone other than myself.  You taught me again how to laugh and how to not be afraid of who I was around others. Something a very special man I called dad taught me but I lost along the way.

You took everything I knew within myself and made it shine and feel more powerful.  All of my happiness, all of my love, it was no longer a self happiness, a self love.  I was able to give it and receive it.

And from this day forward I hope to give it all back, with every day of All of my life.  To be your rock, your laughs, your smiles, your thoughts and part of all of your dreams that turn to reality.  My love, my partner, my soulmate, my best friend and my everything, This is for you.

What day is it..

Hello readers!

So today as I went through my stat I noticed there are currently 16 active readers. While I don’t know who you all are I thank you all for your interest in my blog. While it may just be 3 of you visiting from different IP’s it is still cool to know people visit often… (LOL..), especially since less then a handful actually KNOW of the blog. The rest of you have stumbled upon via searching a tag on WordPress and then finding interest.

While my posts come few and far between at time .. and yes I have my private thoughts hidden away.. and some are real life and some are just from random mind thoughts they are all genuinely from the heart regardless and real thoughts from my mind. The are all something I have thought up. All something where I have gotten the urge to write. Because well writing is one thing I enjoy doing. And knowing that there are people out there that take interest in it keeps me going even more, so thank you. Thank you for being an inspiration.

Sincerely yours,

Dana

The longing..

As she stands grabbing her phone and things for work she feels arms wrap around her from behind. Not an alarming feeling, yet a comforting feeling, A safe feeling, a feeling of love. A feeling that she hasn’t felt in a long time. She’s felt hugs and love but those quick in passing ones, the short I’m home, and such. It’s not that those mean nothing, but there’s something to be said like the ones mentioned above. They are special because they are so rare.

As she stands in the kitchen not to long after she feels that kiss on the back of her neck. While a sensitive spot to be kissed for her, she embraces it. His lips on her skin, the warmth and sensation. Another missed feeling. It’s those soft intimate moments. While making love is important in any relationship, it’s the intimate moments that last just seconds, the ones that fill your heart and make you smile that you can’t replace.

And when you have someone who’s not the affectionate type, you bottle these moments up when you get it. You hang on to them. And it gives you warmth until the next time. It’s almost as if he makes you long for the moments, teasing your soul when you get it, but that’s not it at all. He is who he is, and that makes you love him even more. More each day of your lives together, and the one thing you truly long for above all mentioned is the next day Together and the many more to hopefully come.

Staring into space..

Often it’s something I catch myself doing.. Sitting.. Staring.. Wondering.  I have always been a ‘planet’s in life so to speak.  I dislike drastic changes and usually like to know what is in store for my future best I can. To think ahead.  Sure, life doesn’t always work that way of go as planned to the T, but it still puts you in a path.

One day I had a plan, It was becoming a simple plan. And my train was going along its tracks like any day as things smoothed out slowly, but surely.  Let me just add, not all my plans are smiled upon.. LOL. This plan though was going to be brilliant!  I was going to stop all the trying to date, dating sites, blah blah blah and just be.. And then I did one last login to potentially disable my account..And I had mail.  

I stated at the message for a minute or ten, closed it, reopened it, pretty sure I typed and deleted a couple times.. And then a online chat turned into a evening phone call.   From there it was a month of chatting, and we met.  I was already charmed by his sense of humor, intelligence, and we’ll although his taste for teams could improve… We liked watching the same sports.. So, seeing him on the first date aside from pictures and being smitten by his looks as well, was an added bonus.

Little did he know I was originally brought to his message as I was about shut down my heart, build my walls brick by brick even higher, etc. but it was one message that got my attention, one phone call (and I Hate talking on the phone), one date and within a few months of seeing each other, he was breaking down my walls and there was no fighting it. I wasn’t only giving him the opportunity to break my heart, I was trusting him not to.. something I swore to never do again.

Those who know me well enough, know I love with all my heart and then some.. Kids, animals, people.. It’s my nature, it’s who I am.  But you also know I don’t typically feel all mushy and gushy in love.  Well, unless it’s a soft cuddly puppy!  But this man… He brings out that best, ermmmmm, worst, quality.. LOL.   

I can’t even say it is the ‘new romance bug’ that’s got a hold of me as we near going on 16 Months together.  All the “Never again or never will I ever’s” just seem like they should be, someday.  Not a minute in the day goes by that he is not living in my mind. Each day seems new again.  There isn’t a time I look at him with an ounce of regret, sadness or otherwise negative emotion that anything else in the past didn’t work.  But, a thankfulness and a smile that comes to my face that he and into my life and I made that one last login.  

Each night I drift off to sleep and think I must be dreaming, to wake up and find he is still here beside me.  Still in love with all my perfect imperfections.  And while it may be early on still, the fact that this was an absolute NEVER, he is one of whom I would possibly change the Gidner Name for.   

I had a fairy tale dream.. And yes that is what It was as you read on.. I finally decided what the hell, I’ll blog or in here. Many of you know that I have said for 9 years now, IF and a big if, I were to ever Marry again I would never lose the ‘Gidner’ name, as for It is a part of my dad.  I had a dream a few nights ago though. (A visit from dad) I know he watched me in life.  And he can see the love in my life, he can see my happiness, and this one.. This one he is proud to see with his daughter.   Someone who cares for his daughter as he always hoped, who gives as much as she does and is an equal.  And he is the one who encouraged if and when the time ever came, to drop that one last guard and let my heart and soul be of one for the rest of our lives if we decide. 

Sure, I sound all crazy in the head that I had ‘a visit from my dad, in my nonsense fairytale dream the other night. I don’t know where my mind was other than in a happy place somewhere at Disney Land.. LOL.  It was in an even happier place Walk g up with the man I love beside me and my dog here with me, and the smile of seeing my dad’s face.

So, Plans change.. I had a plan to live life of my pets and I and Now I can’t see it without my boyfriend and his daughter in it each day, adding to the life of my dog and I. And well even if that’s as far as he ever sees me is the girlfriend state. I would be okay with that as well, I mean, I guess then I stay a Gidner.. hahahaha. But, for once I could see myself completing a mans life and he mine.

Little (yet meaningful) joys

Life gets busy. Life gets tough. Some days you may think ‘Why me?’, ‘Why This’, ‘Why Today’. When this happens take a moment, don’t sit in self- pity. Step back, Stop and think to yourself about the little ( yet meaningful) joys that are hidden in everyday life.

You wake up in in a panics you think to yourself, ‘Crap, I overslept and forgot to turn on my alarm’. You roll over to jump out of be as you ask yourself ‘WHY ME? Why TODAY!?’ Suddenly, you glance at the clock, your heart rate calms and you still have a few more hours to sleep. It’s the little things.

Cherish that first sip of morning coffee, that first splash of warm water in the shower in the morning. The joys of knowing you have these things.

When you are feeling stressed or tense remember to breathe. Take a deep breath in and out. Be joyous that you are alive.

It’s a hard day work and your S.O, friend or family member sends a text just to say they are thinking of you, appreciate you or some other positive words and it becomes your favorite notification of the day.

Those days when you feel defeated and like all the weight is on you shoulders, and you reach the end of the day to feel that one set of arms around you.. in that very moment everything lifts and it’s the best part of the day. All in a matter of a second.

Don’t get irritated over that silly dog when she’s super playful or being a dog, or that kid for being a kid. Because think of that time when it’s quiet and they aren’t around whether it be they are staying elsewhere or grown and moved. Those joyous moments, those cuddles and face licks will be missed.

These examples could go on forever. As I tried to take different scenarios throughout different parts of peoples lives. But, you all get the idea. Don’t sweat the things in life that you can think of something that is better in life to compensate it. Life always has something better in the day to look forward to, you just have to stay positive. 🙂

Before you say goodbye..

As many of my readers know from following my blog, one of my major topics to touch on are depression and suicide.  Its a goal to raise awareness on both.  All through personal experience, family & friends history, and researching.

Many know that I am a survivor of terrible effect caused by the mental disorder of depression, suicide.   We hear about it every day practically.   Yesterday, I read a story of a HS Principle who resigned from his job, went out to his truck and shot himself in the school parking lot, here in the DFW area.   Everytime I read these stories, I can not help but try to feel the pain these people were feeling.  I was once feeling that same pain.  But then I wish I could have met them just to tell them there is help.  To tell them they are not alone.  To tell them whatever they are facing, is temporary.  It will pass.  

I for one can tell you this, as a survivor of something so evil, a disease that takes over. I am thankful every morning that I am here now,  but that day, I couldn’t have said the same,  in days to follow even.  The fight and struggle to get here, it was all well worth it. And to reach the top of the mountain was a great victory.  What you see in the movies when it happens has nothing on actually doing it! 

How do we really know who is hurting though?  I can remember when I was going through some hard times, a person in my life at one point would tell me I was only seeking attention and put me down.  If people have that in their life, it will not make them want to ask for help in a time of need.  So, if you are face to face with someone who may feel you think that, that may feel helpless, how do you know?  We are not all psychologists.  

Our first reaction may be to come off as mad or upset when we find out a loved one is suicidal.  I can somewhat understand, from the outside looking in. We think, its selfish, amongst other things.  But, are we really mad?  Or are we scared?  What we need to do is carefully explain our feelings to our loved ones.  “Your actions have made me feel..” don’t sugar coat it.  Will they feel guilt because you scared them, worried them?  Maybe.  I didn’t need anger, I probably needed to hear my family was scared.  

If we have been there, we may lnow things to look for, but we are still not that person.  Not all people are the same.  Anyone in this state is like a hollow eggshell.  Fragile.  You have to proceed gently, but let them know you are there, if they will allow you to be.  

I have been fortunate enough to come in contact with a young lady whom I have been able to help.  She was suicidal.  I over heard her story and reached out to her.  I gave her a worry stone.  And from there she has opened up to me when needed.  Its a good feeling to know you can make even the slightest difference to help someone move forward in a day.  Just to hear from the person, is a refreshing feeling.  

If you could make a difference, If you could save just one life? Would you?  What if we could all take one person under our wing and tell them it would be okay?  That whatever they were facing would pass?  If we could help remove them from it.  A child, a celebrity, anyone.  If we could just save the world, one person at a time….. 

If you ever feel like saying goodbye, pick up the phone, make a call, go to the ER, the police, breathe, and know.. tomorrow is a new day, there is a new week ahead, a new month,  its temporary and you are stronger than you currently feel.

We don’t have to be perfect.. 

We don’t have to be perfect to be amazing.  We all know we are far from perfect.  The only person who was perfect was my dad, you just had to ask him and he would tell you.. haha.  But, even he knew, he was far from it as well.   As I said in a previous blog, what if we all game with just one warning label, one flaw written down?  The would would be a little less interesting I guess.  

I did read a great quote today.  “If you really want to know someone, see how they act when they DON’T get their way”. This is so true.  One of my deal-breakers for dating is a temper, and anger issues.  Now, I know we all have a little feistiness in us, a little hot temper, but I am talking major anger issues.  Out of control, disrespectful types, manipulative, abusive, narcissistic or otherwise.

I am not perfect, I tend to over analyze things.  I try to be prepared for an outcome before the outcome approaches me.  It’s in a sense a defense mechanism so I can avoid hurt, defeat or any negative outcome.  I have also been known to also try to run before ran from if I feel I have to.  But, I still know, I am an amazing individual.  I know I have so much to offer this world, to each individual in my life.  To each group of people in my life, from coworkers, family and friends.  I don’t have to be perfectly perfect, yet I can be perfectly imperfect.  And in knowing that, I can smile each day at who I am and who I become each and every day.

What made you smile today?

“What made you smile today?” A question I ask often.  Instead of the common, “How was your day?”  It gives people something else to think about in the day.  Something they heard, something they saw.  Just something in the day.  

So, what made me smile today?  A picture of my niece running on a pier.. she was so happy, all smiles.  It takes away all the thoughts of being sick for the past week.  It takes away the moments of feeling lonely, yeah, as much as being single and freedom and independence is nice, we all get lonely.  My dogs, they make me smile every day and take away big chunks of the loneliness.  It helps to have them around.  Texts from my mom and friends like Richard, Joel, Tom, just asking how I am and how my day is.. simple words. Facebook posts from Brian, colt and others.   Those put a smile on my face.  Hearing from Adam, even when he is an ass and said I didn’t care he was in a coma.. I didn’t know!  Followed by his message “I luv you, I’m just on the rag”  Little things in life are often the little things we over look.  The things that make us smile don’t have to be huge.  It can be a squirrel picking up a nut, a bird in a tree, a baby in a grocery store.  Some stupid thought you had. Anything.  And if no one asks you, ask yourself,  what made you smile today?

There is so much bad going on in the world today, we need to lay our heads down at night with a good thought in mind at the end of the day, so why not something that made you smile. 🙂

Depression

Depression is an evil disease. No matter how well we are doing in life or where we are in life it can appear. It’s not who we are or what we are. It is inside us. It is a disease. It is an imbalance within us. We can be in our prime, we can be at the top of the world. And still it can attack us.

How do you know if something is a symptom of depression? Knowing If you are depressed in the moment when you have a history of masking your depression? How do you tell depression from burn out? Or do we tell ourselves that we are not depressed because we’ve been there before and we fear depression itself?Its a wondering wander

Not worth the truth

“The worst part about being lied to, knowing you weren’t worth the truth.”

Never a truer statement. We all tell lies to protect others, but there are lies to hurt people and lies, that just aren’t including information per se’. Both equally wrong. But to straight up lie to someone because you were caught in the wrong. That we are taught even as a child, deserves punishment.

Throughout my life I have been lied to, over and over. I became the person who trusted no one, except my Dad, sometimes not even trusting him. Sometimes not even trusting myself. Slowly, I tried to learn that the world can’t be that bad. Have a new outlook on life over the past 2 and a half years or so. Peak over my wall. Let down my guard.

And the one person I thought could and would never lie to me, that I could trust with my whole world. My best friend, a person I have opened my life to, let down my wall for and believed in, has finally.. lied. Yesterday, my life felt shattered. Not over what the lie was about because it was frivolous. But over the fact that once again, I trusted, and once again, I have been lied to. After telling them the story didn’t add up they confessed that they did in fact lie to me.

I spent all day, crying. Devastated at first. Then just mad. Then Numb. To know, you aren’t worth the truth. Because in the end, that is what it all boils down to.

A ‘I am sorry’ doesn’t fix it. I have done my share. Trust is earned back. can it be done? Yeah. Its a hard thing to do but it can be done.

We get pets for companionship. They don’t talk back. They seem to be there an sense when you need them. They can’t lie. That’s a plus. But they are still sneaky as hell.

So, the moral of the story.. Don’t even trust your pets. I have two cats and they are little fuckers too. Always hiding my stuff.  Biscuits once hid one of my socks for months before bringing it to me.

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