Welcome to my little corner of Sanity.

Mental Health: Mute moods

Some days We just get tired of filling buckets that feel like they are are leaking from the inside.. lies or broken promises and excuses, be it with jobs, life. Whether juggling happiness, chores, giving, being, going, waiting ect.. life is always testing in some way, always testing our strength. And some days, we to need a break, a silence, a hug, a cry, or maybe an internal scream for our own sanity and mental health.

I for one typically only cry when mad, then am more mad because I cried.. its a vicious cycle. Today was almost that day. A wanting to throw my hands up with the job. A asking myself why I stupidly make attempts to do things within my marriage to keep it fun. The emotions of all the pain I have been in and trying to just continue on with every day life. The physical exhaution. And everything just came down on me, but all started because I was overyly stressed and emotional to begin with of work and it was the icing on the cake, so everything else that was surfaced hit.

While I am everyones rock, everyones sound board. Whether it be life, or just a shoot the shit, I am always attentive to all needs. I work to be the best wife I can and while not always sure I do so great there either and may be too much at times because I end up making myself feel alone, I do what I can.

But I’m tired, and not the kind sleep can fix. I’m emotionally tired. I’m a bit empty because I am trying to figure out the best ‘me’ for everyone else around. And yes a bit lonely and often misunderstood, and often pushed aside or ignored due to it because there are no words. I try a little bit harder than Maybe i should because parts of me are hard to explain. Its no fault but my own. And when I say to myself to stop, I obviously can’t its who I am or have become based on the love and affection thats in me. Based on the peraon I have grown to be over the years.

Some days I love it, some days not so much. But all days I still love me and try to empower myself, to get past it. Because someone has to be the cheerleader. I know Its in good spirit. I have been better at it, and while changeing yourself is hard it can be done.

And sometimes my mute moods seem the best way to go. I dont then feel needy. I dont say the wrong things. It gets read wrong anyways and I am still damned if I do and damned if I don’t so I might as well play it safe. LOL.. jk. But honestly, I dont know what to do or say, when its all misunderstood and the creature in the end is all really so simple, its just needing love, and affection.

Comfortable in her skin

For as long as she could remember, it didn’t matter how thin she was or not, she wasn’t comfortable to be seen in her own skin. Whether it was a swimsuit or her partner seeing her in the nude. Not one person or thing made her ever feel ‘sexy’. It wasn’t for lack of trying in the past years. She did try the lingerie in her younger years, but always felt rejected when she did. Being told things like “What are you wearing? Put some clothes on” when trying to surprise her partner whom was the one whom asked for it in the first place, and only reason she ever did it. Or being shamed for what she bought and told it ‘Looked like something of a prison shag’ because of the lace pattern.

She has learned that while it took her a long time to love herself, it didn’t stop there. She had been criticizing herself, her image, for years, and now it was time to start approving of herself and see what happened. She knows she will never be that woman that all men are staring at on the side with the bigger breasts or the perfect skin. She will never be that woman with the perfect body or hair. She also knows that those women that these men are staring at and see, mostly on the internet are about 10% of the population, that they will never have. 🙂 What she will be at the end of the day is herself.

After several years she finally became comfortable enough in her own skin that she could at least where a swimsuit in front of people and not feel she had to hide her skin. She was able to finally face a mirror and look at herself with a little bit of confidence. But, if it came to an intimate level she was still very ashamed. It didn’t matter with whom, it was a lights out, don’t look. She just couldn’t get past the though of anyone seeing her in a way they would like.

It wasn’t until one day, after several years with her partner that she really felt comfortable in her skin, in front of him. Her confidence had risen, and she started to show it more. She felt more comfortable in the light. She felt more comfortable and confident laying in bare skin and not feeling the need to hide it. She was confident enough to try lingerie again and to ‘try’ to be appealing to the eyes that loved her. Putting all fear of rejection and shame that she knew could potentially come just from her past experiences. When the rejection came this time though, it didn’t hurt, not like before. This time she told herself this wasn’t on her, but she also realized maybe it wasn’t for her.

She’s more comfortable in her skin, even as it ages. As scars show, there are stretch marks and imperfections. She knows her skin will always be her skin and it is who she is. Its her outer shell, Its the first thing the eyes see before getting to know her inner beauty. She knows that she can love what she sees in the mirror no matter the imperfections, those are what define her, those are what make her just as beautiful.

To all of you mothers, embase the day and all you have done.

Happy Mothers Day to all

Whether you are a mom to be, a mom, a step mom, a fur baby mom or an adoptive mom.. you are a mom. You have helped raise a child. And while every day should be Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Grandparents day.. you deserve A Day!

There has never been nor will there ever be a year that I will be ‘The Mom’ unless it’s to my fur babies of course, but I will always have my motherly instincts. When I finally found ‘The one’ I guess it couldn’t all be the perfect fairy tale. And well if it was perfect something is bound to not fall into place, Right?!? I can take the sacrifice as I have gained a step daughter to help hopefully mature into an outstanding young lady.

I have written on this before regarding the kids I helped raise for over time. I have always stepped in and stepped up to help and love and nurture anyones children. Now, I truely am a step mother, official as of April 2022. Hopefully, I won’t be always be seen as the evil step mom. Hopefully as she gets older she sees I have always wanted what was best for her. I have parented many dogs who have never regretted me being a dog mom at least, i do have that going for me and I get that right.

Nike did so with he usual wakes after midnight and a face lick this morning, along with digging at my head. She has been completely insame since to remind me that I’m her mom & up my butt all morning. I did my calls to my mom and my mother in law to wish them both a Happy Mothers Day before I got my day started. Last year My moms first words were ‘your practically a mom now.. what are yours plans?’ This year she asked if I got flowers. Big change up. 🤣 But funny none the less. I told her I got 2 crazy dogs who said I couldn’t sleep in and the husband was still sleeping.

Either way, it’s a choice. You either choose to have kids, or you choose to be a step parent. And kudos either way. Everyone deserves life, guidance and love no matter how it is given. So on this day whether you are a father playing both parts, a mother with the help of a father or a single mother. If you have chosen to be that step parent or a mom to someone in any form big kudos for stepping up, while others may not acknowledge that you took this step, I do. Pat yourself on the back.

Last year was painful as I was really treated disrespectful and felt hated. But, I have learned, yes.. I am a step mom but at the end of the day, to them it isnt the same and not a day I deserve recognition and thats okay. I do give myself a pat on the back everyday, and I do know some days aren’t easy.

In seriousness.. To all the mothers and fathers out there. Look at what you have been given. It’s a gift. Love it, grow it, and cherish it for all that it is worth. Its not something everyone is given. You were chosen to have this! And on another note, much respect to all parents, single raising kids, those who take responsibility and pay child support, and to those who take on others kids and love them just the same and choosing to be in a situation you don’t have to be in.

Yours sincerly,

Dana

My Mental Health is MY Mental Health

Mental health is a real thing, and the awareness of it is extremely important. There are days I think back to when I used to be in so much denial of it, and tried to ignore all of it. There used to be so many days when I couldn’t face it. Days I wouldn’t face it and I would say I was fine, not to just those around me but to myself. Until the day that it broke me. It broke me inside. It broke me on the outside. Most of all, it broke me of the fear to face it.

I think Back to 2012, I remember I had tried to admit myself into Springwood and as the doctor started putting me on medications I had told them I had been on that DID NOT work I left AMA. I knew I wasn’t well and I knew it was time to do something before it didn’t end well. I took a leap and I did try to reach out for help. But, at the end of it, I thought, what for, so I went back home? And just a few weeks later I had my suicide attempt which landed me court ordered as I sat in Millwood Hospital in Arlington.

At first, I was just mad. Mad that I was there. Or anywhere for that matter. As the days went on and I continued on with my daily group therapy sessions I began to learn some very important things; I WAS NOT ALONE IN THIS! THERE WERE PEOPLE SIMILAR TO ME OUT THERE. I WAS NOT CRAZY AFTER ALL (much to what I had been told or made to believe and was so ashamed of) . MENTAL HEALTH DISORDERS, DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, IT DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE CRAZY. IT MEANS YOU’RE HUMAN!

I went through my inpatient treatment and was finally able to go home but I wasn’t done yet. From there I had to go for outpatient treatment several times a week for several weeks. At the end of it I got my marbles back, Legit Marbles.. I still have them. They may be the only marbles I have if you ask anyone who knows me.. haha. At the end of it all though, I was thankful. Thankful to be alive and thankful for the help, thankful for a new insight and all I had learned. It was a lot to take in each day but it gave me coping skills. And most of all strength. Not just on how to deal with the mental health side of it, but also on how to deal with the day to day issues I was facing that were causing much of the problems.

On the day I walked out with my marbles it was the end of all of my self harm, the end of all the disassociations. Something happened in my time there. Something that saved me from myself all together. While it wasn’t something that completely cured me, It saved me and that in itself was a blessing to my life.

I know that I can be hard sometimes. I also know I can be the hardest on myself. Some things hit me harder than they do others. I am always overthinking things and always in a constant worry. Things depress me a little longer than they probably should and most of it to be honest, is really out of my control. It is an imbalance I was born with and for so long I spent so much time blaming myself and wondering what was wrong with ME as a person. Finally, I had to learn that no matter what, I needed to love that person, even when no one else could or would.

I have come to terms with the fact that not everyone will understand mental health, not everyone will try, not everyone will even care. Those that choose to care, will do so. I have also realized that while I can not explain it all, I have tried and to be honest, most days I don’t understand but the good thing is there are resources out there to help understand. And I also know that no two people are the same, my anxiety is not someone elses, my depression is not someone elses, we all handle it different, but in some way we all relate.

Today, I can look at myself in the mirror and tell myself ‘its okay to be sad’ or ‘its okay to have a bad day’. I have had to come to terms with the fact that through all my attempts to see a psychiatrist and get on medication for my depression, that its just not all that possible, I have treatment resistant depression. I mean, I can. But, the changing of meds every few months because that is about how long they work before we have to change it wears on me more so than it works. So, for myself that if its 50/50 either way on or off, the odds seem the same. I also know that if I ever see myself as bad as I was, then I know when the time is to try and get back on, and I know what to be aware of. I did so back a couple years ago when I felt a slip.

Emotional

Ever just have one of those day where you feel extremely emotional.

Sitting.. and feeling like you could burst into tears because your dog looked at you wrong? Thats me today. These are the days I miss having periods, at least then it explained it.. insteas, I am juat pissed because I have no explanation.. haha

That will be all blog, that will be all.

#FUCK!

Or maybe thats just it.. its frustration 🤣

You don’t know everyone’s story

You don’t know their stories or what weighs on his or her shoulders every day. You just know you see their strengths or weaknesses and how they carry them self and cares for others or continue on with all their might. You just know that everyday they wake up and they love. They love their family, they loves themselves, and they have accomplished everything they thought they couldn’t. You know they smiles even when they have so much going on. You know that they put one feet forward and they carry the attitude of even if they are falling on their faces, they are still moving forward.

But, here is what you don’t know. You don’t know that when they awaken each and every morning, they are wishing that just once someone would reach for them first in the morning instead of a phone or a tv remote, and make them the first thing of a priority in the day. To make them the first good morning of the day instead of thinking of anything else, to say “you were the very first thing that crossed my mind when I opened my eyes”, just as they do for others. To be that and have that feeling that someone would think of them, whether they be in another room, another city, another state, whether it be family, a friend, a coworker or a significant other. Just to know that for one day, someone cared, and for just one day they didn’t always feel so lonely.

You don’t know that they are wishing just once that someone would be there to build them up for once. Someone to tell them they are beautiful or handsome or to tell them they are strong, instead of only hearing it from their own lips. Someone to tell them they are appreciated for what they do. Someone to be an ear to listen, and truly give 100% attention that they could feel. Someone to ask them how their day was. They also have their days where they too need someone to reverse the role and be the glue and staples for their life, and help hold them together when things feel a little crazy.

You don’t know their story or their daily struggles, we don’t know if the person was abused, we don’t know if the person was a past or even present drug addict, we don’t know if they suffer depression/anxiety, you don’t know the health issues they face. We don’t know what they have overcome from the past or are going through in the present. And we don’t know if they are putting on the happiest face ever to hide pain.

You don’t know the story, the story where some days they just needs a break. Some days they just needs to relax. Some days they just need peace. A little help. A hug. And sometimes to just not have to ask for any of it and hope that people just know that they too are human and needs all the same things that everyone needs as a human being. At the end of the day, everyone is just that. At the end of the day its what everyone’s true story boils down to, we are all really just human. We all think, we all feel, we all struggle, we all need, we all breathe.

You don’t know their stories but what you do need to know is that all lives matter, and all lives do have some story to tell and they all make some sense once you get to know them, you just have to want to put the time into understanding them.

Its a new week ahead..

Last week was just draining. With the colonoscopy on Monday to hopefully get some answers as to what is going on, it drug the week out with pain and not feeling well. Which the end result was, no answers at all and a waste of time and money. And while I just needed a break from everything, when I need to stop nothing else around me does. The job is still there, the house work is still there, the dogs are still here, mouths still need to be fed so I still need to cook and life must go on, add me not knowing how to pause to begin with and it all continues on. Part of that is who I am in general, the other part of that is the care for the things and people around me, and the final is that it is it gives me a sense of purpose, especially when I feel I don’t have much in me.

Friday ended on a somewhat good feeling after a job interview that I felt went well but I also know and told myself not to get my hopes up. I mean even if that went well I still needed to advance to not one but two more interviews. But I was hopeful. And much of it is just that my current job as much as I enjoy many things around it in what I do, the schedule, and many of the perks such as unlimited PTO… it simply is sucking everything out of me. And I know, you can’t have your cake and eat it to. Well, as I was typing this, I got the we are sorry but we have decided to move on with others email.

I am trying to tell myself its a new week, many because of a little anxiety as I get ready to go to yet ANOTHER doctor here in a bit. Now to see a neuro surgeon to find out if maybe the issue is my back causing everything else. I tried a chiropractor a while back and some extreme stretching and expensive treatment plans that didn’t work, so now its time for another approach. But, honestly, I am just tired. I hate doctors, and I hate that no one knows.

However, It IS A NEW WEEK, and there are some positives. My husband started a new job today. And for that I am proud of him in doing so. Proud of him for pushing and going through the interviews for one. I know they aren’t easy.. Two, for making a decision. He had two job offers to choose from and he had a tough decision to make. Three, for being able to make a change. We all know that change is hard and it can be strange. But he took that leap. And at the end of the day, I know he is going to do amazing in whatever path he chooses. So, this week as we start it, my focus is not on myself and all my woe’s but on watching him as he starts his new journey and hearing his stories each day as he comes home. Because, at the end of each day, He has always been my HOME.

Meh

If only that was an option!
Some days I am just tired of being tired and/or not feeling well and pushing through, other days I tell myself “I have made it through 100% of all bad days and ‘I got this’.”

It always seems to be something, but I guess that’s life, and everyday trying to test us. 

But, one thing I can say, is at the end of each day I am thankful. Thankful for the things I do have. Thankful for the strength to not give up. And thankful for all that is around me.

Today, I just don’t feel well. My stomach is spasming and hurts with much discomfort. I feel spaced and dizzy, and just plain tired because I didn’t sleep well with it all. My back hurts, but that’s normal anymore. It seems everything is a sit and wait for answers. I hate doctors as of late and part of me wishes I never started looking for answers because then I wouldn’t be waiting. Or going through all this mess.

And add to it the other half has a cold so I am not going to bother him with it or even bring it up, his not feeling well is more important to me and worse off than I am in my mind. That’s just life.

Just want everything to disappear

Where do I begin? For the past Month I have been dealing with pain. Stomach, back, typical headaches, and before all that Iron level issues. I don’t want to eat, I don’t sleep well, and I am just overly stressed out.

After an ER visit for the stomach to be sure it wasn’t my appendix, which thankfully it wasn’t but parts of me wish it was. At least then it would have been answers. I am now seeing a gasto doctor and set up for a neuro surgeon.

I had the first appointment yesterday with the Gastro and after not even 10 minutes of talking was set up for a colonoscopy. Which I will admit to be extremely nervous about. Will it get answers? Who knows. One can hope.

I worry about the worst when going to the neurosurgeon, that worst being he tells me I can’t bowl for a while. I suppose among other things, like not being able to keep up the house for a while if they have to do anything invasive (you know, my purpose) .. but no, mainly bowling.. haha.

I don’t want to lose Wednesdays because it’s a night my husband I get together, or Sundays right now where it’s just any little bit of stress relief.

Now move on to stress. I like the work I do. But the stress level, some self inflicted, just gets out of hand. Part of it is the pride I take in my job, in any job. Part of it is that I am a team player so feel if the team is failing it means I failed and could have done more, so I do more. Then there’s outside the job. There’s just not enough hours in a day. I need to cook, clean, do laundry, take care of my family, not just at a physical level, but at a emotional and mental level, and that is where I am failing. Failing them and failing myself. And I don’t do failure. I am trying to push, and be the best I can and feel I only let them down.

And then there’s the almighty mental health. I’m trying to most of all stay sane. Trying to push through these racing thoughts that take over. Trying to be better at opening up to my partner when something seems off. And each time when told I am over reacting or over thinking and in my head. It’s hard when you are actually feeling an emotion or a way and you are to know it’s basically not valid, at least not to anyone but your stupid, crazy mind and heart. And then you end up over thinking even that, to figure out how to get over it. It’s just plain hard sometimes having the depression and anxiety monsters you didn’t sign up for and can’t control.

At the end of the day, I just wish it could all disappear, even for a little bit so I can get back to me. So I can feel better. So I can be better for those around me and feel a little more wanted and alot less of a burden. And I can have a break from it all.

Health issues in themself suck, but feel like it’s all hitting at once. And even my high pain tolerance isn’t accepting things. It’s all wearing on me mentally, emotionally and physically. And being stubborn and always pushing so not to let anyone, including myself, down probably doesn’t help.

I guess that my wallow in self pity story.. and a me problem. My un- realistic wish for the day is just that it would all disappear, even if for a bit, so I can get back to me and get back to making those around me happy again.

I am tired

Not sleepy tired or from lack of rest, I’ve had enough caffeine to cure that. 

It’s something deeper. It’s in my tendons, it’s in my eyes, it’s in the fibers of my skin.

I am exhausted mentally and fatigued by life. By the sun and the moon.  By the emptiness in the room, and by the hope that fills me.

By the silence around me and the noise in my head.  There just doesn’t seem to be enough hours in the night to stop the constant buzzing in my head. 

I’m exhausted, I’m just tired and I feel like all my emotions are just too stupid to be bothered no matter how real they are, and I know those who matter most can agree.

She hates the word hate, but it’s suitable

She hates when she feels this way. Just down.  She’s hates when her minds racing and it won’t stop. It’s the feeling of being so alone in her thoughts and feelings that even if she could put them in any more words than she already has, that it would still seem unexplained. It would still seem if it wasn’t that important anyhow, as if it’s just wallowing.

She hates feeling this way.  A way in where she needs.  She needs to know she’s loved.  A need for comfort. She needs the love and comfort of her ‘home’.  And most of all she needs to not have to ask for it.  She needs it to be naturally occurring and not just given out of pity or ‘to make her feel better’.

She hates feeling like she’s misunderstood, yet she gets it. When something hits her it hits her harder than a alot. It hits her emotions and she feels it in every ounce of her being. She hates that she feels, sometimes. Remembering back when she was numb to emotion. It was easier, yet she wouldn’t trade for the world the self-love and strength and all she has become.

And most of all and the reason she hates all this, including the use of the word she never uses.. HATE.. is because she does know she is stronger than this. And above all she knows this is temporary and she will pull through it, it may just be a lonely struggle, as it always is, and that’s the hardest part.

If only it were simple for everyone else. If only there was some Google search, some ‘recipe page’, some way to see how to help, how to better understand on. If only there were terms she could use, emotions she could share that made her a little easier for everyone. If only she could be less scared of being treated so different each and every time and in others own way, rejected by the disapproval, the judgement, the kid gloves and the avoidance when she needs them most because they fear her. Sure, she takes words to heart but that’s not a bad thing, she’s only listening, empathizing and also trying to understand the others feeling, and what she causes.

She hates that this is a part of her she tries so hard to hide, because it’s the part of her that’s not the best of her, and that’s all that’s ever truly accepted. She hates that the one thing that gets her out of bed each day, the thing that makes her smile no matter how she feels, can’t touch her. That it can’t look at her. That it can’t understand.

She hates that she has any weakness in her. Hates the pain she feels, physically due to health issues and in these times she hates that all she wants to do is cry when she’s hurting emotionally, but that’s where her strength won’t allow it.

But what she doesn’t hate is that she still tries to remind herself of the below, even if she may not believe it in the moment, it too shall pass.. because she needs to know it..

Not a monster

When you hear it said that someone is steering clear of you because they don’t know what version they will get, it first cuts deep in your hear and hurts. But then, all you can do is sit and wonder just how crazy are you? What kind of monster have you portrayed to make people feel this way. What have YOU done? Knowing that in fairness you will respect and try to get how they feel.

When I am mad or upset I am not one to fly off the handle, yell or scream. When I am down, I don’t either. I try to avoid all conflict and make peace and the only enemy I ever have is myself. Even when I am not at fault, I will think the scenario through for every possible reason I probably was, or that I was a reason. I put blame on anything in life on myself.

I don’t even blame people for feeling this way. I am at fault in one way or another that they feel this way. Feel however they feel, and that hurts that I would make anyone feel as so. I have obviously done something so deep and caused pain somewhere. And that pains me.

I just don’t get how someone who tries to love beyond all faults, will be sure to always be the one to make you feel valued, appreciated and adored in her life, who wouldn’t hurt a single person she loves, who is laughter, love, strength, and yes even flawed and imperfect, but is herself, and real because of it, is yet a monster of some crazy sort that must be hidden and steered clear of. And no matter the reassurance, no matter the ask that people don’t, they do. What makes her so fearful? Why can’t hertrue being and heart be seen for all it is. And why instead is she left instead so alone, is that where she deserves, maybe so!

I know I am not perfect, but what I do know is have have shown my best as best I can. And I have shown my darkness to those I let my walls down to. And at the end of the day, I have to love myself for the one and only thing I am, and that’s me. I can’t. Go backwards and fix my past or mistakes but I will damn sure pick myself up when I fall, I will use all my strength even if it takes time, and I will always bounce back.

Simple Creature in my own ways

Maybe I am a simple creature in my own ways, or maybe I have let my walls down enough, my pride down enough and have stripped some of my independence and have just become that needy. Which if its the later part, well that’s not good at all I don’t guess.

I know I can be my worst critic, my worst enemy when I fall short, or when things go ‘wrong’, or just when I have had a bad day or am feeling a little down. When my depression tends to hit, I even get a little hard on myself because I just hate it and hate that anyone around me has to face it with me. I will beat myself up over just about anything that isn’t of good and get so deep in my head that the gear just continue to spin on what I should have done different and all the things I didn’t do right and all the things wrong with ME. But, I will also pay attention to the vibes and what goes on in my surroundings and all the feels that come off it.

Now here comes the, probably what I question is the neediest part of it all. Breaking the above cycle, Stopping those gears. In one simple way that way being of having the place I feel the safest embrace me, to tell me everything is okay, that I in fact am human and if its what permits, that mistakes are made. That place being none other than the arms of my Husband. The hug or the embrace, that strong hold in any form that makes everything at peace, the kiss on the forehead that slows it all down.

It doesn’t sound like a lot, but maybe at the end of the day it really is asking for a lot, needing a lot. And while it doesn’t sound like a lot. It is the world. It is my world. It is the place I am home.

GWD

Funny thinking of this. What is GWD? Well, looking back about 13-14 years ago, it’s the good wife direction. A ter a best friend of mine spoke of.

We talked how ‘that was the goal, work toward the GWD. Be all we could be and be that good wife. It’s really all I do.

And now.. its happened and someone has loved me enough for who I am, what I am and all I hope to yet be. And I am what I thought was funny then, always thinking, Right! Me a wife, NEVER. But no matter how bad the situation, I tried.

Fast forward to last week, now I am a wife and found the Truest meaning. Accepted for my flaws, yet appreciated for all I am and yet to become. (Let’s face it, no matter our age, we’re always growing). I guess that GWD finally made me what I was meant to be, I just had to find the right place for it.

Life brought me here and I finally found the love I deserve. I just had to stop searching and let it find me first, then let it break down my walls, followed by just being me. The rest fell into place when I finally gave the chance.

My only hope now is to be all I can be and more, we all know I am my worst enemy. Trying is not enough, and I want to be, without failing those close that have won my heart.

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