Some days We just get tired of filling buckets that feel like they are are leaking from the inside.. lies or broken promises and excuses, be it with jobs, life. Whether juggling happiness, chores, giving, being, going, waiting ect.. life is always testing in some way, always testing our strength. And some days, we to need a break, a silence, a hug, a cry, or maybe an internal scream for our own sanity and mental health.
I for one typically only cry when mad, then am more mad because I cried.. its a vicious cycle. Today was almost that day. A wanting to throw my hands up with the job. A asking myself why I stupidly make attempts to do things within my marriage to keep it fun. The emotions of all the pain I have been in and trying to just continue on with every day life. The physical exhaution. And everything just came down on me, but all started because I was overyly stressed and emotional to begin with of work and it was the icing on the cake, so everything else that was surfaced hit.
While I am everyones rock, everyones sound board. Whether it be life, or just a shoot the shit, I am always attentive to all needs. I work to be the best wife I can and while not always sure I do so great there either and may be too much at times because I end up making myself feel alone, I do what I can.
But I’m tired, and not the kind sleep can fix. I’m emotionally tired. I’m a bit empty because I am trying to figure out the best ‘me’ for everyone else around. And yes a bit lonely and often misunderstood, and often pushed aside or ignored due to it because there are no words. I try a little bit harder than Maybe i should because parts of me are hard to explain. Its no fault but my own. And when I say to myself to stop, I obviously can’t its who I am or have become based on the love and affection thats in me. Based on the peraon I have grown to be over the years.
Some days I love it, some days not so much. But all days I still love me and try to empower myself, to get past it. Because someone has to be the cheerleader. I know Its in good spirit. I have been better at it, and while changeing yourself is hard it can be done.
And sometimes my mute moods seem the best way to go. I dont then feel needy. I dont say the wrong things. It gets read wrong anyways and I am still damned if I do and damned if I don’t so I might as well play it safe. LOL.. jk. But honestly, I dont know what to do or say, when its all misunderstood and the creature in the end is all really so simple, its just needing love, and affection.