Welcome to my little corner of Sanity.

Give up, give in, or go forward?

(okay so I’m not really going anywhere with this other than to just type out of boredom and to just write)

I find it funny that no matter how simple we try to be or make life so that its easy flowing… there is always that one person who will say its a difficult thing.

I, as well as those who really know me, can tell you I’m a pretty simplistic person.  I don’t ASK or NEED much in life from others and I tend to do most on my own.  If there comes a time that help is needed it’s always made me feel like I was in the way or a burden.. So though lifes experiences I don’t ask for much of anything. I am a very giving person, who doesn’t need anything in return, its done for my own self worth, from who I am.  But there are the simple things in life that are nice to have, maybe that’s where I become ‘needy’ per se’. 

Why is it when something is bothering us we are considered to be difficult, emotional or unstable in people’s eyes.. or is this just their way of stopping you so they don’t have to listen, to beat you down so you stop talking about it.  So we get people who bottle it all up and then they just burst.  You see it and hear about it in one way or another each day.  This is where we should learn from it, know that we are not alone no matter how much we feel we are.  But also if you go to someone, be prepared to get feedback if that’s what you are looking for, and sometimes its the realistic feedback and not what we want to hear.

Yes, It’s nice to know we are appreciated, loved and wanted in life.  (but never expect this from anyone or you will be disappointed, You can always offer these thing to yourself :)- ) BUT, Hell we all fell that and in some way or another we show it.  Maybe we all do it differently, we are all our own person.  I am the type of person who believe that when you love someone you should tell them and say it.  Maybe because I know how nice it feels to hear it, feel it, know it.  I believe that making someone laugh or smile for the day not only makes their day but it makes my day. Is it wrong to want to hear those three little words?  A what if: If you don’t hear it you sometimes have to wonder if it ended, but also if you quit telling it does your heart begin to stop feeling it?

I tell myself everyday that I love myself, because well I do.. and well.. When I tell myself I always hear it back.  Its just one of those things in life where if you feel loved you feel good..

Now for my ‘Dr. Phil advice for the year’ haha

I believe… (and I speak from learning in life on this)

When you finally find that special someone to share your life with, YOU share it (skeletons in the closet will haunt you, so if you have something that you don’t want to ruin your life, get it out) … good and bad, happy and sad.. thoughts feelings and always there for each other.  No matter what the person needs you are there by their side to comfort, support, even slap them upside the head if its needed.  I believe that everything should be equal.. its not all give and take in any aspect of life. 

Treat others the way you want to be treated, always put the shoe on the other foot.  Lend a helping hand if you see necessary. Don’t treat people like shit, because Karma is a bitch.  If you Love someone, Tell them, share it.. If you have a chance for something take it, because the only regret you will have is a chance you may have missed.

Be true to yourself, change for no-one.. If someone trys to change you then they don’t love you for who you really are.  Laugh at stupidity. Love  and live as if its your last day.

Giving up does not mean you are weak, it sometimes means you are strong enough to walk away, giving in is sometimes an option when you don’t want to completly walk away but your fighting a losing battle.  Either way these lead you to GO FORWARD. I am at a point where I am doing both of these things

For all the newbies to Geocaching…

Tonight we went out to look around the ‘Monster series’ after looking for 4 it got dark so we headed back the truck.  Im thinking we were looking to hard, or maybe not hard enough but either way we need to go back.  Didn’t find any tonight

I took this from geocaching.com… Still some terms here I didn’t know

Glossary of Terms

The Geocaching.com glossary is always changing. If you have suggestions for future additions, please contact us.

Archive
Archiving a cache removes the listing from public view on Geocaching.com. This action is usually taken when a cache owner does not intend to replace a cache after it has been removed. As an alternative to archiving, the cache owner can temporarily disable their cache if they plan to provide maintenance on the cache or replace the container within one month.
Attribute
These are icons on a cache detail intended to provide helpful information to geocachers who wish to find specific types of caches. These icons represent unique cache characteristics, including size, whether the cache is kid friendly, if it is available 24 hours a day, if you need special equipment and more. Attributes are also a tool to help you filter the types of caches you would like to search for when building a Pocket Query (see Pocket Query). Learn more about Attributes.
Benchmark
Using your GPS unit and/or written directions provided by NOAA’s National Geodetic Survey (NGS), you can seek out NGS survey markers and other items that have been marked in the USA. See benchmark hunting for more details.
Bookmark List
A Premium Member feature that can be used to group cache listings in whatever way you like. You may want a bookmark list of caches you intend to find this weekend, or perhaps an “all-time favorite” list you can share with friends.
BYOP
Bring Your Own Pen/Pencil. An acronym often used by cache owners to communicate to other geocachers that you will need to bring your writing utensil in order to sign the cache logbook.
Bureau of Land Management (BLM)
The Bureau of Land Management (BLM), an agency within the U.S. Department of the Interior, administers millions of acres of America’s public lands, located primarily in 12 Western States. The BLM sustains the health, diversity, and productivity of the public lands for the use and enjoyment of present and future generations. Learn more atwww.blm.gov.
Cache
A shortened version of the word geocache. (See Geocache).
Caches along a Route
A Premium Member feature that allows you to identify caches along a specific route for quick and easy geocaching. You can choose from routes already created by other geocachers or use Google Earth to build your own unique trip.
Charter Member
During the very early years of Geocaching.com when Premium Memberships were first offered, they were called Charter Memberships to thank those who supported the web site. Be sure to thank the Charter Members you meet on the trail since the site would not be here today without them.
CITO
Cache In Trash Out is an ongoing environmental initiative supported by the worldwide geocaching community. Since 2002, geocachers have been dedicated to cleaning up parks and other cache-friendly places around the world. Learn more atwww.geocaching.com/cito.
Datum
A datum is something used as a basis for calculating and measuring. In the case of GPS, datums are different calculations for determining longitude and latitude for a given location.
Currently, Geocaching uses the WGS84 datum for all caches. Many maps still use NAD27, which can cause confusion if your GPS unit is set to NAD27. Always check your GPS to ensure that WGS84 is the datum before entering a cache coordinate into your unit.
DNF
Did Not Find. An acronym used by geocachers to state that they did not find a cache. This is also a type of online log on Geocaching.com and is useful for alerting cache owners of potential issues. Cache owners who repeatedly receive “Did Not Find” logs should check to see that there cache has not been removed.
D/T
Geocaches are rated in two categories, each designated on a 5-point scale. Difficulty relates to the mental challenge of finding a cache and terrain describes the physical environment. A 1/1 difficulty/terrain rating would the easiest cache to find, while a 5/5 difficulty/terrain rating would be the most difficult.
EarthCache
An EarthCache is a special place that people can visit to learn about a unique geoscience feature of our Earth. EarthCache pages include a set of educational notes along with cache coordinates. Visitors to EarthCaches can see how our planet has been shaped by geological processes, how we manage its resources and how scientists gather evidence to learn about the Earth. For more information about EarthCaches, visit http://www.earthcache.org/.
Event Cache
An Event Cache is a gathering of local geocachers or geocaching organizations to discuss geocaching. The Event Cache page specifies a time for the event and provides coordinates to its location. After the event, the cache is archived.
FTF
First to Find. An acronym written by geocachers in physical cache logbooks or online when logging cache finds to denote being the first to find a new geocache.
GC Code
A unique identifier associated with every geocache listing. The GC Code starts with the letters “GC” and is followed by other alphanumeric characters.
Geocache
A container hidden that includes, at minimum, a logbook for geocachers to sign.
Geocaching
Geocaching is a worldwide game of hiding and seeking treasure. A geocacher can place a geocache in the world, pinpoint its location using GPS technology and then share the geocache’s existence and location online. Anyone with a GPS unit can then try to locate the geocache.
Geocoin
Geocoins work similarly to Groundspeak Travel Bugs® (see Travel Bugs) in that they are trackable and can travel the world, picking up stories from geocache to geocache. Geocoins are often created as signature items by geocachers and can also be used as collectibles.
GPS
GPS stands for Global Positioning System. It is a system of satellites that work with a GPS receiver to determine your location on the planet. For more information on GPS, FAQs.
GPS Adventures Maze Exhibit
A GPS Adventures Maze Cache represents attendance at the GPS Adventures Maze Exhibit or a regional variation of this Exhibit. GPS Adventures Mazes are designed to teach people of all ages about GPS technology and geocaching through interactive science experiences.
GPSr
Slang for a GPS receiver. Equipment to receive GPS signals for use in navigation.
GPX (GPS eXchange Format)
A specific file format available when creating a Pocket Query. A Premium Member feature, the GPX file format has specific geocaching information that can be used by supporting applications.
Ground Zero (GZ)
The point where your GPS device shows that you have reached the cache location. At Ground Zero, you are zero feet (or zero meters) away from your destination.
Hitchhiker
A hitchhiker is an item that is placed in a cache, and has instructions to travel to other caches. Sometimes they have logbooks attached so you can log their travels. A Travel Bug is an example of a hitchhiker.
Latitude
Latitude and longitude create a waypoint. Latitude is the angular distance north or south from the earth’s equator measured through 90 degrees. Think of latitude as rungs on a ladder.
Letterbox(ing)
Letterboxing is another form of treasure hunting using clues instead of coordinates. In some cases, the letterbox owner has made their container both a letterbox and a geocache and posted its coordinates on Geocaching.com. If there is a stamp inside a Letterbox Hybrid, it is not an item intended for trade; the stamp is meant to remain in the box so that visitors can use it to record their visit. To read more about letterboxing, visit the Letterboxing North America web site.
LOC
The original download format for the search results page on Geocaching.com.
Locationless (Reverse) Cache
A Locationless Cache could be considered the opposite of a Traditional Cache. Instead of finding a hidden container, you locate a specific object and log its coordinates.
Locationless Caches have evolved into Waymarking.
Longitude
Latitude and longitude create a waypoint. Longitude is the angular distance measured on a great circle of reference from the intersection of the adopted zero meridian with this reference circle to the similar intersection of the meridian passing through the object. Think of the long lines running north and south.
Markwelled
When a response to a new post in the forums points you to a similar topic in the past. Based on the user Markwell.
Mega-Event Cache
A Mega-Event cache is an Event Cache that is attended by 500+ people. Mega-Events offer geocachers a day of planned activities. There are often several days of additional activities surrounding a Mega-Event. These large events attract geocachers from all over the world and are often held annually.
Muggle
A non-geocacher. Based on “Muggle” from the Harry Potter series, which is a non-magical person. Usually this term is used after a non geocacher looks puzzled after befriending a geocacher searching for a cache, or when a non-geocacher accidentally finds a cache. Geomuggles are mostly harmless.
Multi-Cache (offset Cache)
A Multi-Cache (“multiple”) involves two or more locations. The final location is a physical container. There are many variations, but most Multi-Caches have a hint to find the second cache, and the second cache has a hint to the third, and so on. An offset cache (where you go to a location and get hints to the actual cache) is considered a Multi-Cache.
Mystery or Puzzle Caches
The “catch-all” of cache types, this form of geocache may involve complicated puzzles that you will first need to solve to determine the coordinates. Mystery/Puzzle Caches often become the staging ground for new and unique geocaches that do not fit in another category.
NAD27
Stands for North American Datum 1927. The precursor to WGS84. Many maps still use the NAD27 datum , so always check before using a GPS unit with a map.
Pocket Query (PQ)
A Premium Member feature, a Pocket Query is custom geocache search that you can have emailed to you on a daily or weekly basis. Pocket Queries give you the ability to filter your searches so you only receive information on the caches you want to search for in either a GPX of LOC format. This feature lets you download up to 500 caches at one time.
Project A.P.E. Cache
In 2001, fourteen geocaches were placed in conjunction with 20th Century Fox to support the movie Planet of the Apes. Each cache represented a fictional story in which scientists revealed an Alternative Primate Evolution. These caches were made using specially marked ammo containers. Each cache had an original prop from the movie. Only a few Project A.P.E. caches exist today.
Reviewer
Volunteers from all over the world who publish the cache listings on geocaching.com.
ROT13
Hints for geocaches are encrypted using a simple format where each of the letters are rotated 13 characters up or down in the alphabet.

Decryption Key

A|B|C|D|E|F|G|H|I|J|K|L|M
————————-
N|O|P|Q|R|S|T|U|V|W|X|Y|Z

(letter above equals below, and vice versa)

Signature Item
An item unique to a specific geocacher that is left behind in caches to signify that they visited that cache. These often include personal geocoins, tokens, pins, craft items or calling cards.
Spoiler
A spoiler is information that can give details away and ruin the experience of something. For example, telling someone the end of a movie before they see it. In geocaching, a spoiler gives away details of a cache location and can ruin the experience of the find.
SWAG
An acronym often referred to as standing for ‘Stuff We All Get.” It includes the trade items left in caches by geocachers.
TFTC
Thanks For The Cache. An acronym written by geocachers in physical cache logbooks or online when logging cache finds.
TFTH
Thanks For The Hide
TNLN
Took Nothing. Left Nothing. Usually written in cache logbooks by geocachers who do not trade for material contents in a cache.
TNLNSL / TNSL
Took Nothing. Left Nothing. Signed Logbook / Took Nothing. Signed Logbook.
TOTT
Tools of the Trade. An acronym used for any of the tools that might be used to search for/retrieve/find/log a geocache.
Traditional Cache
This is the original geocache type consisting of, at minimum, a container and a log book or logsheet. Larger containers generally include items for trade. “Nano” or “micro” caches are tiny containers that only hold a logsheet. The coordinates listed on the traditional cache page provide the geocache’s exact location.
Travel Bug®
A Groundspeak Travel Bug is a trackable tag that you attach to an item. This allows you to track your item on Geocaching.com. The item becomes a hitchhiker that is carried from cache to cache (or person to person) in the real world and you can follow its progress online. Learn more at http://www.geocaching.com/track/faq.aspx.
USDA Forest Service (USFS)
The U.S. Forest Service, an agency within the Department of Agriculture, administers 191 million acres (77.3 million hectares) of National Forests, Grasslands, and Prairies. These public lands are generally geocaching-friendly, with exceptions of designated Wilderness Areas, and other specially designated botanical, wildlife, and archaeological sites. The phrase “Caring for the land and serving people” captures the Forest Service mission of achieving quality land management under the sustainable multiple-use concept to meet the diverse needs of people. The Information Center in the agency’s national headquarters has been a Washington D.C. Virtual Geocache since August 12, 2001.
UTM
“Universal Transverse Mercator” coordinate system. This is an alternative to the standard WGS84.UTM uses grids overlaying specific areas of the Earth’s surface and divides the Earth into 60 zones.
Virtual (cache)
A Virtual Cache is about discovering a location rather than a container. The requirements for logging a Virtual Cache vary—you may be required to answer a question about the location, take a picture, complete a task, etc. In any case, you must visit the coordinates before you can post your log.
Although many locations are interesting, a Virtual Cache should be out of the ordinary enough to warrant logging a visit.
Virtuals are now considered waymarks on Waymarking.com.
WAAS
WAAS stands for Wide Area Augmentation System, but that doesn’t really describe what it is. Garmin has an excellent description on WAAS.
Watch List
A watchlist is a list of users that are watching a specific travel bug or cache. Each user receives a copy of each posted log via email.
Waypoint
A waypoint is a reference point for a physical location on Earth. Waypoints are defined by a set of coordinates that typically include longitude, latitude and sometimes altitude.
Every geocache listed on our website is a waypoint. Geocaching.com generates a unique “GC Code” associated with every geocache listing.
Webcam Cache
These are caches that use existing web cameras placed by individuals or agencies that monitor various areas like parks or business complexes. The idea is to get yourself in front of the camera to log your visit. The challenging part is that you need to call a friend to look up the web site that displays the camera shot. You will need to have them to save the picture in order to log the cache. If you’re a tech-head you could save the image yourself by using a wireless modem and a laptop.
Webcam caches are now in the Web Camera category on Waymarking.com.
WGS84
The most current geodetic datum used for GPS is the World Geodetic System of 1984 (WGS84). The significance of WGS84 comes about because GPS receivers rely on WGS84.
Geocaching uses the WGS84 datum by default. We also use the format HDDD MM.MM, which is a standard for GPS receivers (like the eTrex).
HDD means Hemisphere and degrees. MM.MM are minutes in decimal format. If you have any questions, you can eithervisit the forums or contact us directly.
It is critical that the format be correct, otherwise geocachers will be unable to find your cache!
Wherigo™ Cache
Wherigo is a toolset for creating and playing GPS-enabled adventures in the real world. By integrating a Wherigo experience, called a cartridge, with finding a cache, the geocaching hunt can be an even richer experience. Among other uses, Wherigo allows geocachers to interact with physical and virtual elements such as objects or characters while still finding a physical geocache container. A Wherigo-enabled GPS device is required to play a cartridge. Learn more atWherigo.com.

GeoCaching..

As most of you know, Pita and I were big into the local music Scene, supporting, promoting and just in general having a passion in what we were doing.  But our time is due to find a new less destructive hobby in life as we stabilize.

Recently, Pita came across Geocaching via an event that happened at the Hurst Library in June.  This has become something fun, that can be fun for the WHOLE family, Kids included.

Geocaching is like a scavenger hunt.. but on another level.. You would never know what these things you find where unless you were aware of the ‘game’.  It has been a great interest as we have since gotten the kids involved.  It can be done at any time, anywhere.  We have used it on many opportunities where the kids were board at night and there wasn’t much to do that didn’t involve money or a club.  It comes in handy no matter where you are on the road you can just search and just about anywhere you will find one.  We have also had our first Meet up group which was great as it still keeps us social with people, but in a healthier way for not only our own self being but those around us.

This has been around for many years, about 10 and we are just now learning of it, but can only imagine if we would have found out sooner and grabbed on to it.

Check it out.. www.geocaching.com

Be sure to add us as friends:

Dana: gid0047

Pita: georockstar

Daughter: Keylee774

We are in the process of coming up with a group name to do together.

Happiness…

I never understood why some people thrive to start arguements, maybe they dont realize it. I’m Glad that as I get older, Im learning to avoid them. No matter if its a situation where I need to be heard on my point of view, defend myself, or otherwise sometimes it is just now worth it.  I dont have time for the stuff. I avoid the drama, hate it, ruins things etc. My goal in life is to BE HAPPY!

But I am learning, People are silly sometimes..  Ive gotten to where people try to get me involved in it all or whatever and I just tell them dont have time for it.. better things in life are around me.  Take it for what ya will…. 🙂  Hell I have a list of thing they can revert to and help me with..  I agree with the saying misery love company, if you dont feed into the bait they find other ways. twist and turn to bait. Do people really have that much time and unhappiness in life.  You gotta find your focuses, priorities and happy things/places.. heck its done me wonders piecing the 3 together. 🙂 It has Led me to a new job, schooling and better focus on stability and family 🙂  I Learned many years ago, that you only as miserable as you allow yourself to be. Others are not to blame. You are the only one in contol of you, and upon realizing I grew stronger and moved onward 🙂 I used to live to make everyone else happy which led to my misery, do I blame them, not at all. It was me who stayed in certain situations whether it be out of fear or what have you, but in the end it was my fault of the result.  I have ran, I have hid, I have sacrificed and I have settled.  These all in all helped me in the long run to discover what I deserve, want and need to MY life, for myself.  You should always stay true to yourself as you only get one you! And, usually in the end, you are all you have, no matter what. 
 
Happiness is more than just a feeling, Or something you just see, Its life.  Do people show signs of being Happy at all times, No.. why because this is human, You don’t sit at a desk smiling for no reason.. but inside you know you are happy as your mind processes things in life that give you a sensation of happiness.  If we have a bad day, a headache, a cold, does that mean we are not happy?  Not really, maybe not in the moment, but thats not the WHOLE value of it all.  Thats not what you think of at the end of the day as you lay in bed.  YOu think of what gets you through the day, what makes you want to push.. those are what make you happy.

Love is.. Just a four letter word!

Yes it has four letters, but it really is more than just that in the end. Its seven letters, RESPECT. Its Consideration of others feelings.  Its Sharing thoughts, feelings, listening and advising.

Love is a hug, a kiss, a compliment, a kind gesture, a helping hand, doing as you would want love to do for you.. Love is that feeling you have when you miss a person when they are away, whether its a second, a minute a week, month or year.  Love is that feeling you have of happiness when they are around.  Love is knowing that life wouldn’t be the same with out this person in your life.  And love can all be taken away so soon with out a change to fix or change the things you now regret.  Life is short and you never know when it will end, so take that 30 seconds, pick up the phone, send a text, or in todays society a FB post just to say those 3 Little words, ‘I Love you’ because you never know when that time could be your last.

Love is not just of a partner, its of family, friends and pets.

Lets take a pet for example:  You love your pet, may it be a dog, cat, hamster, fish, ferret, reptile.  No matter its nature you love it, feed it and take care of it.  You play with it daily showing it attention, leading to a long life of you and your pet.  Fulfillment.  A bond.

Remember that Love doesn’t hurt. Love does not leave you bloodied and bruised. Love doesn’t take away your self-esteem.  Love isn’t good sex. Love isn’t “I’m sorry, I’ll never do it again” Love isn’t living in fear. Love isn’t hearing your children sob in fright. Love isn’t anger.

Love isn’t keeping someone down, when they are having a bad day or kicking them back down then they are having a good day, Love is lifting that person up, with confidence, reasurrance and laughter.  Love isn’t being a prisioner, Love allows Freedom, trust and ability. Love isn’t playing mind games or games of the heart or of the other persons emotions, Love is fullfilling your mind and your heart.

I believe that if you love someone you will never have trouple saying these 3 little words, I LOVE YOU. If you find yourself feeling like you don’t have to say it, Need to say it or you cringe at the thought of saying it you may want to re-evaluate what you think LOVE is.  I once thought I had another chance to tell someone I loved them and it was too late and now I live with the Burden of wondering if they always knew, because I didn’t say it at that moment because I thought they knew therefore I didn’t have to say it.  Just hearing these words does make a difference in a persons day, bringing warmness to the heart and soul. 

So here’s my 30 seconds to each and everyone of you and may you all always remember it even when I forget to say it.  I know life keeps us busy at times.  But I also know the feeling of just hearing the words even when we already ‘know’ in our hearts. I also know there are times when I wish I would have taken the time to say it to realize, it was too late.

To my mom, brother, grandmother, cousins, aunts and uncles.. I love you and am glad to have you as family, with out you guys there is no telling where I would be today.

To all my true friends… I love you for accepting me for who I am, good or bad, happy or sad.

To Stephen.. I love you for who you have helped me become through the years, For the ability to fight for what I believe in and be all I can be, for allowing your two wonderful daughters into my life and heart. I hope to always be all you have ever wanted or needed in a partner and will continue each day to do my best. you don’t only put a smile on my face from time to time but a smile in my heart and soul.  Thank you for all the adventures, the challenges and the ability on many levels. You are the LOML. Without you, I would just simply be empty and lost.

A dark story that is kept deep within…

I decided to share this not out of sympathy or attention but for people with this disorder to know, you are not alone. The below I wrote this in 2007 as I was going through one of my episodes.. I wrote it for a friend who asked why.. He didn’t understand, hell sometimes I don’t understand.  These moment generally happen before I know they are happening.  Its a emotional shutdown, a black out. I don’t have many moments that before it happens that I can control it.  I have done good for a few months now.  These moments are where I was able to catch it before it happened and control the situation in some form or fashion.  It used to be the times I could catch them I had my dad to talk to, even though he didn’t completely understand.. he always just listened where others would scream, say I was looking for attention and so on.  That is truly NOT what someone of this ‘disorder’ do.  It’s just the way it is perceived.  All instances have been hidden.  I recall one moment I had where I just wanted to die, the person with me decided that to snap me out of it was to (I hope make me ‘wake up’ so to speak) attempt to stab me, saying if I wanted to die to let them do it.  Yeah, I guess you could say in this situation it did snap me out of the crazed frame of mind I was in. Other times people I tried to talk to even when it was too late and after the fact of the matter was to scream, It was okay looking back.. it was how they coped.  Everyone copes different who actually know of this.  It doesn’t happen all the time, it happens when I am at a loss for hope in life.  For the longest time I felt there was something wrong with me, today I feel that its something I can only work on but will probably be with me for days on end.  My first bad episode of this was just before I met my ex husband.  I was hospitalized for well over 5-6  months, I had slashed both legs up from the top to the knees with a pair of scissors, not really knowing till the morning and as I darted to the shower to hide my damage my mother caught me in the hallway, people thougth I was in a wreck, I looked do bad. sent to Antonio to a hospital until finally the insurance ran out.  using pencils, takign the erasers out to cut with the metal. or erasing litterally. Just before being sent home, I had tried to kill myself in the hospital as I heard the voices of the man who abused me screaming at me, after being put in a body net on a bed and yes breaking out of it, I was thrown in seclusion. It was a couple weeks later I was sent back home to Corpus Christi to be with my parents.  Christmas eve of that year in 1995 I overdosed.  When I met my ex husband I had lost all friends and believed that he was the only thing I would have and I settled.  I finally realized 10 years later that there are people who will still accept me regardless.  I don’t let many know about it. I hide all damage.
Here very recently I had a episode and I felt it I put myself a way from all just me in a chair, my body reacted differently the relate that would normally happen turned into shaking, staring at on focal point until I blacked out combing to unable to. Breath, muscles tightened and tremoring. I was proud to have one less scar one less “its to late to know what I’ve done, my last episode prior 2 years ago. I lost my rock, my dad the one who didn’t understand but listened. I could confide in him!

Written February 26, 2007

A ‘cutters’ view

As a teenager I had problems with cutting, and recently I have had a relapse in this.  So that has me here sitting and typing to myself and trying to elaborate.

Why do we cut so many will ask? Yet the answers are never understood. The outsiders: whether a friend, loved one, family member or whomever, will say it’s selfish, stupid, immature and no matter how much you try to explain, the answers are never really there for the outsiders who see just that… the outer shell.

A cutter will cut for many reasons, motives are different. Its not necessarily a cry for attention, a cry for help, not wanting to live.. Etc. As for me I do it where it is hidden and no one can see it,  its just their way of ‘coping’. But the outside looking in doesn’t understand, they say the person is looking for attention, they must have a reason; they must know why they did this, they must be able to control it.  Its like any other thing that happens when emotions are high and people scream or hit.. it sometimes can’t be controlled nor prevented it happens in the moment. From self experiences here is what I have come up with on thinking and trying to put in an ‘understandable view’ for those who ask me the question: WHY?

Punishment– when they feel they have done something wrong.. have disappointed or upset someone, Hurt someone emotionally,  its their way of punishing themselves for what, may not seem wrong to others, but does to themselves. Even when others do not think they are in the wrong, the cutter will see it differently at the time and will do whatever it takes to make it seem ‘fair’ to themselves that they have punished themselves for whatever it is they feel they did wrong..

To hurt (Yes sounds logical)- Many times it seems as if they just are not human.  They feel like they don’t hurt like they should on the inside, they don’t feel pain, They feel numb and they want to or need to do just that… FEEL PAIN!  But often times when the person is cutting, they don’t feel a thing  at that very moment, Its only later that they feel it. I have no feeling when I do it, nor do I know how hard I am pressing.. Its like I blank out. Its not about attention at all

To relieve emotional pain- Emptiness, feeling detached, Overwhelmed by things, Emotions get to high and it tops off to numbness, this is a way to relieve this, to relieve tension. Its yet only a temporary relief, a release of endorphins and they then feel calm.

So some say I have issues, I have a deep side, I am abnormal due to depression bouts or with how I handle thing.  I say I am human.  And yes there is a deep story to be told.  I once started writing a book about it but it got lost when my computer at the time died and it was never backed up. But every time I hear the words that “I need to toughen up” or “be strong, get over it” or even deal with it. I have the power to tell myself I have gone above and beyond EVER doing that.. I have survived more than many would.

Because people don’t understand and we know in the end that it is painful for someone to watch, we will tend to push everyone away during this time, hid it and keep it our little secret. They tend to be self conscious of their wounds and scars and will try to conceal their behavior from others. It’s often difficult for them to open up and tell about their “secret shame” as when they do there is a lack of understanding or knowledge of how to help. Their intentions are not to hurt those they love and who may have to see this happen.

Now as I look back on everything including what I wrote over 4 years ago.. I sit here on a night of August 9,2011.. to add this to the end of this story: I have much strength within even when I hit a moment out of my control and due to a disorder.

I have survived many things.. some that others have survived, so things that many hope and pray that they or their children will ever have to survive. But lets recap a life of Dana, the “fucked up and hard to deal with at times as some say” and being the ones I love. ( I may repeat some of what my more indepth story was above but I guess this is my own private hidden personal rant so here I go)

As a very young child I was abused, watch my mother and brother be abused. At the age of 3 almost being thrown out of a 3 story window of an apartment, saved by my at the time pregnant mother who grabbed me and covered me for safety.  Between the ages of 4-6 molested by my cousin who always told me if I told that I would be beaten. I survived these things by the power of a hero who came into my life when I was 7 and adopted me when I was 8. At this point I never had to see the people who caused me any harm.

I was chased down into the basement by my younger brother with a butcher knife, scared out of my witts as I climbed into the laundry sink in the basement. Later finding out that he had some horrible things happen to him that lead to this behavior.

As a teenager, After moving to Texas I opened up and told of the molestation I had when I was younger, granted it was 10 years later it all finally hit me.  I always asked myself why now.. 10 years later, safe and away from any harm, why did these childhood demons appear.  I was hospitalized for self mutilation, suicide attempts and depression.  First being sent to a MHMR in Corpus and then sent San Antonio for a good deal of time.  Coming home in 2005 to a moment when I overdosed. Again placed in the hospital to being released New years day of 2006. So to say the least every new years is important to me in a different special way. Home schooled for the remainder of my Freshman year of school.
I believed and was lead to believe NOONE would want me!
After my divorce, I put myself in some bad situations.  I had been raped by a person who I though I could trust, who came to check on me as I would not answer my phone, I was passed out drunk with my door unlocked, accused by a person I loved that I deserved it, and betrayed by both. Over coming this and the real story behind the tattoo on my shoulder as, body identification, Life continued on.  After a bad break up I again attracted the wrong kind, and well being me and him needing, or shall I say USING me and then Afraid to leave the situation due to the threats made to not me but those I loved but was running from, I stayed until one night he almost punched my face in missing by inches and clipping the wall behind me.. Still in fear and unable to get him to leave I ended up in a situation where he felt it was okay to do as he pleased as I laid in bed. It wasn’t long after that, my hero = my dad. Came to the rescue.  Moving in with me and getting him out..

In one of my episodes of cutting, the person who was trying to protect me decided that tough love and trying to scare me out of the state I was in attempted to stab me.  It was a drunken night that sobered me up fast and did in fact snap me out of the situation.  I survived it after many days of fear, self blame for my disorder and depression as I got over the issue. But it made me stronger in the long run.

For many years I beat myself up for all of these saying that they were in fact my fault. I would never want to blame or see the bad in others.  And well It had to be me, right?  Not so much.  After many times of therapy, outlets and people to talk to I realized I was just human, I didn’t deserve the things that happened to me. Yet I have still found myself accepting the evil, not wanting to believe advice that was handed to me.. and so on.

I have my demons and challenges as everyone does.  I know I’m not perfect, and I know I I may not be ‘normal’ in many’s eyes.  But I do know I’m me.  I live, I laugh, I love unconditionally. And if ever doubted in my inner strength, I know what I have overcome, so little things that upset me, that I let get to me are nothing.  Think twice before you call me weak.

One day a supportive person, not of what I. Do but how to help me through. “This isn’t a childish hey look at me. I hide the wound and when I realize what I’ve done I tell myself I’m stronger than, but domes outta my control as weird it sounds.

edit:

I had an incident, I was finally able to control it I set myself away from anything that could harm me.  My chemicals if thats what you call it reacted and lashed out a different way.  My whole body tensed up, I couldn’t breathe and I don’t know how long I stayed in a daze before I came back too! Shaking and in pain, but atleast I didnt’ bleed, there will not be a scar and my muscles will ease up and my body will like me better for it. 🙂

Added 2012: I realized another thing through the years, It goes back to my child hood but sat and thought when the cutting would start again. I had myself in a situation when the man I was with would scream violently, my black outs would happen again, I heard my abuser in my head my mind went back to a child I would hide in corners, space out and before I knew it there’s blood on the floor, My last incident this man left knowing it was coming, I sliced my arm the way anyone wishing to die would do in the right direction from wrist to elbow, I did not die, I think god and my dad watched over me this night. But through every cut, every scar its not attention and I hate those who will not take the time to see a disorder and learn it if they do care.

Added September 2013:  In August of 2013 I attempted suicide by overdose of alcohol and 4o trazadone, I feel like I have very few in my life who even try to understand or take things into consideration.  Especially those CLOSE to me, my mom has done well coming around and starting to understand my illness unlike before.  I am now in therapy working with a psychiatrist for meds and finding out that alot of my cutting is a disassociation from all the emotions and stuff that pile up.

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