Welcome to my little corner of Sanity.

3/8/22

It happened! A day I never thought would come.. I thought I would be an old cat lady. I got married to my soul mate, my best friend, the man I love and I would call for anything that happens, good or bad.  The man whom ends and starts each day perfectly just by being next to me in bed.

While as he says, nothing ‘feels different, it feels like we were already married’ this may be true. But, there is so much that feels amazing with all of this. Sure, Marriage and the word in itself hasn’t changed who or what we are or have to each other and that feels the same. And it hasn’t and won’t. But it is a commitment, a bond no truer, it’s an intimate commitment, promise and union of forever.

With all this said I promise to always love him as much as I love myself. I promise to always work through the hard and dark times. I promise to always make time for us and if it’s important to him it’s important to me and will remain a top priority and at my highest of things that are made time for. I promise a love that will be healthy and not toxic, free and not binding, supportive and not smothering. All until our last days.

Time


Time is one thing that can not be replaced in life. And time is one thing that we can not rely on, and it is not always guaranteed. With all of the world issues going on, quarantine, and all the other things TIME is essence. Remember when you saw your friends, family, or even your coworkers more and time wasn’t such an issue, that’s just one example.

We often neglect what’s important to us, one of the biggest things being TIME. We forget to take time for ourselves, time for others, time for things that can’t be replaced in life while we are wrapped up in the day to day life. We often feel we need more hours in a day, more days in a week, more weeks in a month, More sleep in a night, more TIME.

The people you love and who love you deserve more than getting whatever time is left in your schedule. Good relationships are what keep us happier and healthier and our an investment in our health and well being. Don’t neglect those in your life for things that will easily replace you, or that you will easily replace when you are bored with it.

Time for ourselves is equally important. We often neglect this as we may feel selfish or guilty when we make time for ourselves. But that is not the case. When you don’t make time for yourself, everything else will suffer. Take time to grab a book, a walk, or whatever else you need to decompose the mind.

Think about how you also use the word ‘time’. What is important to how you you use your time? When you tell someone you didn’t ‘have the time’ to do something, Was this that you ‘didn’t have the time’, or was it something that simply was not ‘worth your time’? Its the old saying goes ‘If its important to you, you will find a way. If it is not, you will find an excuse.’ Its not always about having time, its about making time. If someone is important to you and something is important to them, shouldn’t it be equally important. Shouldn’t you make the time, instead of always saying you didn’t have the time? So, the next time you decide you ‘didn’t have the time, be sure to ask yourself just that, was there something else you gave your time to that could have been directed to something much more important? And remember.. tomorrow isn’t promised.

So, take the time now to tell those close to you that you love them, take the time to love yourself. Hug your pets, your kids, your family. Time is crucial, its not just something we put in every day to get a paycheck. It’s life.

That’s all for my random thoughts. Have a great day everyone. 🙂

02/11/2020 – that time of year again.

Tomorrow brings up that time of year that I will never forget. 12 years ago someone had other plans for my dad and thought he was needed more elsewhere. I will never forget the day in my mind from the time I got the call at work, being the one to call my mom and brother, getting to the hospital, Saying goodbye with out being able to hear it back. The funeral and everything there after.

What hurts the most at this moment is that there is some really big news I would love to just pick up the phone and call him to tell him about, or to sit over a dinner and talk about, and I can’t.

2 weeks ago I finally got the tattoo I have been wanting for 9-10 years now, in his memory. While its not the exact I had drafted in my head back then, I think it is more beautiful than what I did have. I decided to add the Roman Numerals of the date of his passing to it as well. My final push to do it was 2 years ago but that just didn’t go as planned.

2 weeks ago I finally got the tattoo I have been wanting for 9-10 years now, in his memory. While its not the exact I had drafted in my head back then, I think it is more beautiful than what I did have. I decided to add the Roman Numerals of the date of his passing to it as well. My final push to do it was 2 years ago but that just didn’t go as planned. But in the end, the time getting it was a bittersweet moment for myself.


Not a day goes by that he is not missed, that I don’t think about him and all the things I wish I could tell him. Not a day goes by that I don’t wish he was here to see how my life has improved from what it was. To see how strong I have become in all the struggles he knew. And most of all not a day goes by that I don’t ask myself why? Why he had to go.

Round and round

Let’s make a correction. Earlier blog said “its become this love-sick, smitten, corny sap.  Haha. It’s like “Okay, who are you and what have you done with Dana?”

Those who truly know me read that that and said Dana always loves and loves hard, sometimes too hard and not knowing went to stop and gives her all. But this time I know it’s different. This time I can’t stop actually showing the affection. Even when I tell myself to just stop. To stop being me. To stop loving hard. To not show it. To turn my heart off a little bit. This time it’s more natural, this time it’s actually real, this time it’s not me begging for love, instead it’s love that’s filled within me. Instead I’d doing it for all the wrong reasons it’s for all the right. And instead of my heart telling me I need to stop It’s oy my mind telling me I am being too much which is just something I will always fight. Because as I said it never stops and it’s telling me I am too much for my fiance only because that’s what I am reading off him.

But at the end of the day, I know I have finally met my true love, my soulmate and the man I honestly can’t see life with out. Most of all because I am happy even when things aren’t the best. Because we can talk things through, because we can be open and honest wit our feelings and because we know where we are with each other. And at the end of the day, there is no other place I want to be, with out a doubt. And unless the day comes that he tells me otherwise, or there is something that just outright changes this, I see this taking us to our last breath. And if you asked me 4 years ago how my love life would end.. I would have told you, with many puppies! 🤣

All I do wish is this, I wish I had met him sooner so I could have put all the love In all the right places at all the right times, with all the right energy…..

I’d choose you…

I’m sitting here today, much like I do every day just thinking. Because, well… My mind never stops. It’s always going on about SOMETHING! But if its got one common topic, it is that even after 4 years, its become this love-sick, smitten, corny sap. Haha. It’s like “Okay, who are you and what have you done with Dana?”

Every day, I make it a point that he knows how much I love him, that he knows how important he is to me. and that he knows how much we mean to me. It doesn’t matter if he’s still sleeping, if he’s in the other room, or if he’s sitting right next to me. I try to keep it fun, flirty, and keep a spark in the relationship as well. Sometimes I have to stop myself, because I feel he probably just gets tired of it and I am probably just becoming a little boring with it all to him, but I still find myself doing it *shrugs*. To me though, Every day feels like we we are still freshly dating and new. That is what is so magical. Most would kill to have this kind of romance and to feel this. Hell, maybe its a one sided feeling even. I just know that, I still go to bed at night saying to myself “How did I get lucky to finally find the one this late in life when I was done starting over?” Asking myself, How I still get the butterflies in my stomach when the hugs come from behind, or the small gestures happen.

This is not to say we have everything perfect and its a fairytale romance. But, what we have is real. We talk when there are problems and we work through them. For the first time, I feel I can talk and am not afraid to talk or actually share what I feel (most of the time, and when I do its on me, not him because I do still have my insecure fears due to many things of the past, but I am working though them in learning he will accept me either way). We have our disagreements, but we don’t have full blown fights. We make things work. We listen to each other, most of the time.. and when we are not we have learned to come up with a solution to work together on that to make things better. We know how to laugh. We are who we want to tell each other things to when its big or small. And we lean on each other and depend on each other. We are partners. And most of all, we have trust and a bond. And LOVE!

And as I sit here today, I think to myself, not a day goes by that I don’t think him and us, and our life as one and how much it has changed me as a person for the better. How I think of how its not just love that I feel for him, but how its love that I don’t ever want to feel for anyone else. I think about how he makes me a better part of me, even if he does make me this big ball of mush and for bringing out all the emotions, maybe a little too much at time, I never knew I had that used to hide behind a tough image. I think how he even brings out a more intimate side of me, (which I am sure he’s not too fond of keeping up with.. haha), but a more confident part of me, in a sense.

With him in my life, It has made me want to be a better part of who I am for myself, for him, for his daughter. It has made me realize so much more about myself and the love I have to give to others and am capable of sharing outside of what I loved within, and was so afraid to give to others and that in itself is a gift, that I would not trade. One thing I know for sure is this, I will choose him each day with no regrets. And each day that I look back on March 9, 2020 in Hawaii, I will say Yes all over again when he asked if I would Marry him. I just always hope that he wakes up each morning with that same thought in his mind and with each day forward, will always choose me, even with all my flaws and all my little worries and all my crazy that my mind tends to get, because lord knows I am no where near the perfect I wish I could be. I promise I try, and I really do try to make up for it in many other ways.. I cook, I clean.. and honey got a booty… JK *Smirk*

You get what you give

The old saying goes “You get what you give” but what happens when you reverse it and “Give what you get?”

Lets take our jobs for instance, we work our tails off. In todays day and age it doesn’t seem that employers are willing to give what they are getting. Its hard to come by an employer who really appreciates a hard working employee and give what they get out of what the employee who is hard working. Instead they go blind on what they are getting or there lack of out of those who are not. But that moment if you were to start acting like these lazy employees, you can bet it would go noticed. If you were to Give the quality of pay, you can bet it goes noticed.

In an ideal world we could do this. But, unfortunately, many of us would end up jobless I would guess.

But there are many things in life where it would be a perfect world if we always got the same we received, where when we didn’t we could just give what we received and sometimes, where when we weren’t getting what we were giving dint hurt, feel like neglect or like a shut down when we didn’t atleast get half in return. But in the end we have to remember, we are unique. No two individuals are the same. The people around us are not our characters. Our companies are not going to carry what we carry in our work ethics as a single individual for example.

When you feel undeserving of love –

(reblog)

Just browsing through old blogs this morning and reading.. came across this one and it hit.. I felt it because I don’t feel so deserving of love at the moment with my feelings going on.. felt like a time to reshare to anyone else who may need it.

Read This When You Feel Undeserving Of Love

By Anne Deborah Austria, March 14th 2016

remembrance_life

Most of us beg for love, one way or another. A mistake nearly everyone makes. We plead to our parents, to our friends, to our partners, and sometimes even to our dogs for affection. Piteous.


Love is not something to beg for. It is to be given freely without a second thought, without ifs and buts, without prerequisites, without ultimatums. Love is a gift.

I am doubtful when it comes to the truth about love. All these years, I had to love them first before they could love me back. I have always thought that this is how love works—that it comes with a price; that the bill has to be paid first before someone can truly love you. Another misconception is that you have to ask, or most of the time, beg for it before you can have it.

I bet we have all been to the season of sleepless nights with empty bottles of beers and ashes of cigars. If not yet, then wait for it. We have all been in front of the mirror. We have all stared blankly at our reflection as we tried to wipe away the tears that welled up in our eyes, and we hate how they just won’t stop flowing when we want them to.

We have all asked ourselves the FAQs: What the hell is wrong with me? Why the hell am I not enough? We have all despised ourselves for being so stupid. Little did we know that it is not us, it is them. We do not deserve the people who made us doubt our worth. We do not deserve their love. If they sincerely loved us, they would not have done that. But they did. They destroyed us.

We deserve the love that makes us feel we are enough, more than enough– the love that inspires us to be better than we were yesterday.

This is the kind of love that need not to look for. It will be the one to look for us because we are worth the search. This is the love that would give us eyes that see the good in everything.

We deserve someone who won’t get sick of admiring the rose that we are, but is also courageous enough to embrace the thorns that come with it; someone who could get along with the worst version of ourselves that even we could not accept; someone who could open their eyes and look straight into our flaws; someone who won’t give up just because the situation seems hopeless. We deserve the one who will make us stay no matter how stubborn we are, the one who would pull us back whenever we try to walk away. We deserve someone who would run after us before the movie ends. 

https://thoughtcatalog.com/anne-deborah-austria/2016/03/read-this-when-you-feel-undeserving-of-love/

I don’t like these feelings most days …

I don’t like all these feelings that have grown and built inside me. I don’t like the anxiety I felt yesterday that would not go way. The pain and pounding in my chest, the inability to stop shaking, the feeling like I could not breathe, the panic attacks that just wouldn’t go away. Its been a while since I have had a day like that and I will say, I don’t miss it. I do miss when life felt comfortable enough that I didn’t have it. When I felt like life was okay, When I had the assurance that things were okay and going to be okay. Right now, nothing feels okay. Nothing seems okay: Not around me, not within me and I feel like I am just toxic.

Lets see how many hours today it will take me to try to break this tornado all down in words and try to clear this out of my head for my own sanity.. I mean its only 4:45 in the morning and I have 30 minutes to kill before I start work, maybe it will take me a minute to get it all sorted out maybe it will take me a month.. maybe I just never will calm the storm and will forever stay a mess.

FEAR – Fear of screwing things up and failing in everything I say and do. Fear of losing all that is important to me. Fear to speak. Fear to do. Fear to ask for love, fear to ask for needs. And just all around Fear of being me, because it seems that no matter what, its unacceptable. Fear of giving love as it may be too much. Fear that I am no longer loveable by anyone other than my own love, and maybe the dog when she wants a treat but not even sure I get that right anymore. Fear, not of being alone as I know I can be, but of not being worthy of being with anyone, or maybe the real fear is being blindsided by it. All of the fear leads to panic, to constant worry.

SADNESS – I feel like my world is falling apart. Like nothing is aligned right. Everything that used to be good has gone bad and it just isn’t aligning back up. It feels like it never will and I keep trying to have hope, to have faith. And while one day it seems like there may be a step forward, there ends up being many more that follow of days that there are steps backwards. And it is all heartbreaking. The only person to tell me its going to be okay is myself and here lately I feel like maybe I am just blowing smoke up my own ass, because what if it isn’t. I try to push away the fear, I try to push away the sadness and I try to even tell myself, its all okay, even when its not. Hell, I spend more time telling myself I am fine because I hate to admit not just to other but to myself that I am not, to admit that I have reached a weak spot. There is a sadness that I no longer see a spark/light in the eyes of the ones I love, this isn’t to say they don’t love me somewhere deep down, but its that I no longer make they want to have me around as much as they did or no longer as happy as they were and it breaks me to the core, because I don’t just see it, I feel it. I feel lonely on many levels of the sadness, and just in general lonely through all the stress, as I cause everyone to push me away by making them fell the way I am doing so. Lonely in all the ways I am misunderstood. Lonely in just outright lonely.

HURT – They say the only way someone can hurt you is when you give them the ability to. That’s the problem with letting your walls down, that’s the problem with trusting. But, there is so much more beauty when you let your walls down, when you trust, when you allow people in, when you actually take that chance, isn’t there? But then, maybe its just me being over-sensitive. Maybe its just that its my fault of being hurt, and no one is hurting me at all, its all in my head and I am being sensitive and wearing my heart on my sleeve. Or, maybe I should just take the approach of not caring, to allow myself to not be hurt. which that approach in itself scares me to just shut off the ‘cares’. I know the later not only isn’t the answer, I know its not in me, its not who I am. I have tried. I don’t want to put my walls back up, I don’t want to be as I was before where I feared love. I don’t want to fear letting people close to me and where it was just me, but then again, everyone else was safe from that familiar poison that seems to get out, the one not listed with the poison control.. D.A.N.A.!

ANGER/FRUSTRATION – I am angry with myself. Angry in ways that I can’t seem to get out how I feel so that it is understood by others. Angry that when I speak It just makes others feel like an ‘asshole’ or like they have done something wrong, when all I am trying to do is express my own feelings. While trying to be more open and not hold things in I seem to be causing more damage than good. Frustrated and feeling like things were better off when I didn’t express how I felt. Angry with myself for wanting to feel loved, for wanting to occasionally feel like I am special to someone, to feel like I am as wanted as I make others feel or to get the same feeling I give others, while knowing I can’t expect that, others are not me and are not who I am. Others aren’t going to give the way I give. Anger because I am and always have been a ‘fixer’ and right now I don’t feel like anything is fixable. I feel like it is all falling apart and continues to do so.

LOVE – I continue to feel love for myself first and foremost because right now its the only love I feel I have, the only love I deserve, and the one thing that keeps me going each day and alive. I have a strong love for the man and his daughter that are in my life and it keeps pushing me to make things work, even though I feel like I just can’t get it right and no matter the amount of love I give, its not what they want or need. My love that I give seems to be a blessing and a curse all in one. It’s a flaw and a joy, I guess. I am full of self love 97.99% of the time, I am overflown with love to give and maybe sometimes I give it too often for the liking of those. But, at the end of the day its who I am. Even lately, I wonder though, why love has to hurt.

JOY\HAPPINESS -When I truly sit and think, when I sit back and look, There is a ton of joy and happiness deep with in me. I have overcome a shit ton that has taught me that even with everything, I need to be sure to get up each day, I need to push myself and no matter what I need to remember to love myself. No matter how much I feel like I can not be loved by other, no matter how much I feel like others can’t love me. I have to have the happiness within to know what my good qualities are. To be able to grab the happiness I do have and when around others be able to share that. That part I know I do well. I do so when I am for example at the bowling alley. I do know that the people there enjoy having me around, but they enjoy me there because its probably temporary and for a few hours. I am happy knowing that I am able to make someone laugh, as I used to be able to do. Happy that I do see joy in peoples faces when they see me. To know that somewhere with in me, there is still life and fun. Somewhere, there are people who don’t think I am all that bad, but maybe its just in small doses. And that is the part of life where I won’t be alone from other is in small doses, I just wasn’t meant to have anyone around forever, maybe thats when the toxic starts to seep. 😦 Its the happiness I have when I cuddle up in bed at night and I am in the comfort of the arms that I love, that’s happiness. Its joy when I am laughing with the ones I love. Its the happiness when I can be me, when I am not fearing it, when I can joke, when I can laugh. My happiness is when I can give all my love out to those that are so full in my heart. My happiness is when I can be the affectionate person I am to those in my heart.

It has been said to me that I have not been taking things at face value that have been said to me. The reality of it is, I have been listening and I have been letting it all sink in. Everything around me that is my everyday life is so important to me that that is what I absorb, that is the main thing that is in my array to constantly ‘fix’ and to have aligned and going right, and its probably the part of life I stress over the most.. At the end of it all, I see that the root of it all is when problems arise, I am the problem. Whether it be because I have repeated myself, or I have made someone feel less than perfect or as if they can do anything right. Maybe I didn’t say what was wrong with myself. Maybe its that I am sensitive to certain things, a little more so when I am overcome with excessive worry, fear, doubt and completely panicked and overthinking everything and can’t get anything right or any sort of assurance on anything around me. And maybe some of the root cause goes to because of how I am feeling within and because I have expressed it incorrectly or unclearly in someway or somehow. It all boils back to me, and even all the ‘maybe’s just become excuses and there is no reason anyone should be put though it and to have to be put through all I am even as me, and I wonder if there are day that it was meant that alone really is all I deserve, and maybe even the best of people are really only meant for a goldfish whom they won’t make suffer in life, then again.. I think I may have even killed a few betta fish in my time too, so even they aren’t safe.. sigh.

As we approach a new year…

As 2022 approaches, there’s not much to be said. We survived! It’s another year that taught me more about life. It threw me some challenges & it was this thing we call .. LIFE. We had a great vacation in the summer to Yellowstone. We got a new dog. Kept our jobs through the year. There’s a roof over our heads. We lost a few throughout the year, and we were shown to truly cherish those in our lives. COVID still wrecked havoc, while some things returned to almost normal. The holidays came and went with a 99.999999% success rate. Santa brought me coal this year and it was used to start the wood in the smoker to smoke a turkey, which turned out great! But most of all, it is a year that came and went, and in the end of it I am here and I am still me. All I can say is this:

Don’t expect the new year new me bullshit, hasn’t happened yet. While with each year, I become a minimally better version of myself, a stronger version of myself with some self improvements, You still get 98% of the same me. I will still be the same imperfect, flawed, sarcastic, sometimes humorous (at least I think I am funny), woman I have been for years. At the end of each day, week, month and yes.. year… I am who I am, and I am okay with that. I have worked hard to become as strong as I can be. I have worked hard to even know that it is okay to be weak when I fall short of being as strong as I can be. At the end of each day, Its still who I am.

I still have my flaw of trying to fix everything. I still forget that sometimes I am not a super powered woman with some sort of magic in my pocket. I still forget at times that my happiness is important too, before anyone else’s. I still put everyone else’s needs and wants before my own. I am the giver so everyone else can be the receivers, and sometimes, just takers in life. And while some flaws could use some work and I am taking the steps to work on the major flaws, they will always be the ounces that will remain deep down and that’s the cold hard fact of the truth of it all. I will always be me.

I will still over think, I will still care too much on certain things. I will still get depressed at times. I will still be over anxious on things. Some days I may shut down. I won’t always speak when I need to or should. There may be days I am happy with life and there may be days I am over taken with sadness, and sometimes I won’t know why. Some days I may feel human and some days I may not. And these are the parts of me that are a definite part of me that will never change for a new me, they will always be the same me. They will always be a part of me that no one will ever totally get but me, and I am okay with that, I have learned to love even the darkest parts of me, I have learned to love me for me through the good, through the bad and through the indifferent, year after year and I will continue to do so in 2022. So, with that I say.. Here’s to a new year and the same ME!

I wish you all peace, love and joy! Blah blah blah.. Screw that!

I wish you all lots of Sex, Booze, Orgasms and that you all get a pet Unicorn and a new puppy … Okay.. Okay… I will keep it realistic and I hope you win the lotto and take a good vacation, whichever works best for you, you choose.

Happy New Year, All!

Words are from the lips…

Words are from the lips, actions are from the heart. Actions will always speak louder than words. For a few years now, I keep being told that this child, well now teenager, is ‘jealous of me’ and that is why her behavior toward me is susceptible. I am told that ‘she’s a teenager’ and that is why her behavior is susceptible.

At 13 I can understand some teenage behavior, we have all been there. After over 4 years of being in her life though, the jealousy bit is a cop out and an excuse. There is no reason for the jealousy. If that is still an issue than that is not going to go away, and that is not something that should be acceptable or tolerated by myself or even fair to me to have to deal with for the next 5 year or even on going after that. Not if I am going to be treated the way I am.

Actions speak louder than words. It is said that I am wanted and loved here. It certainly does not feel that way day in and day out when you feel like a floor mat by a teenager. When you do nothing but give your every part of your heart and soul to provide everything you can, to be everything you can. To guide, to be a friend, to be a mentor. To try in every way and every direction and be wrong no matter which road you go. And when you try to explain your feelings have been hurt, they simply do not care. Those are the actions that speak the loudest.

Apologies come only when it it beneficial. Apologies have become only words as well. Because, those apologies are now only empty statements. Those apologies are only because something was wanted, or they were to brush everything under the rug and make the matter at hand ‘go away’, or they were forced by another party. They weren’t from the heart.

I get I signed up for this. I know what I was walking into. While I love the life I have, I love the child with all that I am. I just wish I had an answer where something becomes far to me. My hands are tied. I have nothing I can do. Its all up to the parents to correct the behavior and to do what needs to be done, and they have their ways of how they see things, How they want things. I am to sit back, Take my beatings, Be treated however, See it as okay, and see it as ‘normal’. I am to be treated and simply allow the behavior, And let them handle it.

One is supposed to omit all feelings, but in all reality, this is not ‘normal’, this is not right, and no human should be okay with treating another in this matter if they want them around, if they love them. Hell, in all reality, she shouldn’t treat her own parents the way she treats them. But, that may just be the way I was raised. I couldn’t imagine doing so growing up. Sure, I was a teenager, sure I had my days of having an attitude, we all did. There comes a point where some things are a bit over the top, and had I been the ‘new’ girlfriend I might say sure that seems normal and she’s the teenager acting on it, but I came in when she was young enough and I have been in my share of relationships with not just kids but girls and their dads. Its not my first rodeo, no matter how ‘different of a kid’ or ‘difficult of a kid’ she is. They all were in their own ways.

Most of all, I feel selfish and as if I am in her way. If she is in fact that ‘jealous’ of me.. If that’s the case.. then I am that much in her way of her and her dad, there is a bigger problem. And if that has not gone away in 4+ years, its not going to go away, and I have no Idea if it will. That in itself is a problem and always will be. That part alone, scares me. That part alone is, in itself.. a big problem and tells me where I am right and where the actions in itself speak the loudest and where I am not wanted.



Christmas Holiday

Its a holiday I hate to love and love to hate, I was always the ‘Grinch’ of the family… but I still try to stay in the spirit. It was dads favorite, he would make us nuts when we were kids, running around singing silly Christmas songs, not your traditional. Things like “If it doesn’t snow on Christmas, how will Santa get around to us.” We would make coffee cake or homemade cinnamon rolls in the morning of Christmas or Christmas eve and he always raised us that “Christmas is about the children.” Then again, thinking back from the first day we met him he taught us this.

Before him and my mom were even dating he was the police officer whom brought toys from the police department, as we were in a woman’s shelter at the time. And the department supplied toys. So now, any year with Christmas, I do the same, its about the kids. When it was with either of my ex’s their kids always made out like prince and princesses for Christmas where I would spend hundreds of dollars on them, usually on a credit card, but I didn’t care. I wanted them to have all they wanted. I guess dad forgot to mention its about the kids within reason… haha.

Now, with my step daughter, its a bit different to get used to as Christmas isn’t so much a big thing as they do Hanukkah, but I have tried to start introducing Christmas. Hard to do when you only have her every other year for it. But, last year, I supplemented both and went big for Hanukkah and Christmas.. hey, It was all new to introduce it with the other.. who knew you do small gifts for Hanukkah, Adam Sandler never put that in his song… LOL. So last year I put up my little black tree and tried to make a thing of it. If anything, for dads memory, and to try to be in the spirit. She helped with putting up lights in a minimal amount because it has never been a big thing I could ever get into but she seemed to enjoy it non the less. We attempted to go look at lights which was a childhood past time from up North, but the house they usually checked out was no longer decorated.

This year dad will be happy. We are doing dinner with my brother, sister in law and niece on Christmas eve. We are going to try to get my step daughter for at least the day so its at least all of us together, since holidays are hard to get everyone at the same time. And I did better on the gift spending too, I still don’t feel like I got everyone what I should have, but they got something, and for me on my side it is just the joys of spending time with them and getting to see them open the gifts.

I do still dislike this time of year, I have for over 25 years for personal reasons. While it also marks almost 25 years of me being out of the hospital as a teenager, it was the same time as my first suicide attempt. It was just a bad time in life. It was a time I did overcome and I should look at it as that. And then when losing dad almost 12 years ago, it seemed that was when all the Christmas spirit I did have left. Until I realized, I have to keep some for him still alive, and I try, but it is hard because there is so much of him that was my spirit this time of year and that isn’t here with me. And with that, I miss him.

The holidays are hard for just about everyone for one reason or another, whether its personal reasons within, depression and other things whether its a job or loneliness or for reasons of not having someone around. Last Sunday my moms husband lost his dad, it will be the first Christmas with out him. 3 weeks ago our friend passed, it will be his families first Christmas with out him. Some have been without a family or friend for years, and it just doesn’t get easier. Another friend lost her husband this year. I have a friend who’s husband is out of the country on military and she and their kids will be without him this year. And I will think of all of them as they go through it without their loved one.

Keep going.. no matter what.. keep going

No matter how pointless things seem in the moment, keep going, because tomorrow might get better. It might not happen over night, but it will happen. Let the faith be your guide. You will continue to find more happiness in your search if you just keep going.

While emotions may feel stronger than you can handle, they are temporary, your sadness is temporary. You’re fears, temporary. The tears will fade, the hurt will fade. Emotions change over time, negative feelings change over time. Keep going.

Think of all that you have achieved, think of all you are yet to achieve. Don’t think of all you have ‘failed’ at achieving. You have done more than you give yourself credit for. Keep going, you have a long ways to still go as long as you don’t give up. You never know what’s around the corner or the potential you have.

There is a world of people who care about you. People you may not even realize. People you talk to in passing, people you talk to every day. Regardless, they are people who want you around, you are not alone. These people want/need you to keep going.

No matter your weakness that you feel, no matter your defeat. Let love guide you. Let all that you have ever fought for, all that you have ever been, and all that you have ever wanted to be carry you through. You are a fighter and you can fight. So, keep going.

The day overthinking ruined her..

Was it just a bad dream, or was it a reality?

She always thought things through, over and over in her head. Always worrying. While overthinking can be beneficial to some aspects of life, she found out the hard way it was in love that it can quickly shatter things, and it was on that day, that day that he left and slipped right through her fingers and she finally damaged it all that she knew.

If she saw him unhappy, she always felt it was with her. If he was distant, she took the amount of time that he was to heart. And the overthinking continued on. And then she would not say anything because she would know it probably sounded irrational so she tried to tell herself it was nothing, she truly did! she knew it was her feelings and that it might cause problems, she knew she was always a problem in that way. In the way she loved to much. And she was scared to lose him one way or another, and how could she win. She feared either way.

She finally learned that constant worry will only bring you one thing, the biggest hurt you will ever endure, heartache. When you lose the one true love you’ve ever known. When you wake up that one cold morning and he’s gone, for good. Never returning. And this time it’s not just him gone in his heart or his mind, but in his body as well.

Her constant worry, her constant overthinking, even the amount of love and affection, he realized were not for him. And he pulled away. By the time he used the words that it was threatening them, by the time she knew what was and had always been her, and while she has always been trying to change what was so hard, it was to late to keep trying. He was already too far gone inside, and now he was gone outside.

And now she sees her worry wasn’t just a worry, the withdrawal was what it was. And she pushed him so far away and she let him slip away. She’s lost her love and her heart. She’s damaged all that she loved, she’s damaged goods, and it’s too late to fix what she should have long ago. She was to blind to see through all the overthinking. She made his life impossible and he had to set himself free, to be happy, she can’t blame him. Her intent was good, she loved to hard, she worried so much, and the day came that it ruined everything.

Her thoughts, her fears, her love, they all let her heart and her happiness walk away, without looking back. But she knows now he can be happy, he can love someone truly and he can live free. He did what he chose for a life he wanted, and she was not it. He will not be tortured any longer in his life of hell.

She will let herself go, she will learn new ways, just as she planned to work on. She will continue on. She will keep growing. And the love that will stay is always going to be the love from within. While flawed, she will always find the ways to love an ounce of it.

#fictionalwriting

#thoughts

What feels ‘wrong’ with me

What feels wrong with me, or should I say “What’s wrong?” Its the fact that I want to feel loved by someone other than myself, that I want or need that time from that special someone. It’s the fact that there is ever a moment that I feel the ‘need’ to ask or burden someone with that in their life. Its the fact that I feel if I do then that part of my independence, that part of me is just being needy. It’s that sometimes, I feel like I just need to be held at night of that there are times I feel alone and I feel wrong for all of it. And because it all feels wrong, it must be wrong. Its the wanting to fell like “I’m in a relationship” to be held at night on occasion for example, I guess is the corniest way to put it, to have just those little moments on occasion that you don’t expect.. I know it all sounds dumb. to feel wanted when I guess all this feeling and wanting is probably just ‘all in my head’ and all just my own emotions and feelings, and I am getting more and more afraid to even share it. In the end, it feels like the more I share on how I feel, the more I just feel I am damaged for how I feel, and the more I feel like I am just the one whom is messed up for feeling. and that I am what is wrong. Its my flaw of flaws.

‘Am I okay?’ Well the deepest answer is yes, I will always be okay. For myself I have to be the strength I need. I have to know how to stand and be strong. And at the end of the day, I have to know how to love myself for who I am, regardless of how flawed I feel. For however wrong I feel for wanting anything in life. But I know I will be okay, therefore, I am okay, and as long as I can tell myself that I know its going to get me through it, I am a fighter. These past couple days, my heart has not felt okay though, both emotionally and physically. It has been hurting. Hurting enough that all I can do is cry, and I am not one to cry. Saturday night, I cried. Yesterday, even at a song on the jukebox at the bowling alley, I had to leave outside because all I could do is cry. This morning as I work, for no reason, I cried. Early this morning/middle of the night as I woke in the middle of the night and took the dog out, I cried. My dreams all night were of everything I am most scared of, but mostly the fears that followed a text I received yesterday.

I’ve felt scared most of all. Scared of losing one of the things in life that means the most to me. Scared that by me feeling and loving as much as I do, which is really just who I am, that it is going to ruin everything in life itself. That me being who I am, is really just too much and in the end, at the end of the day.. that is What’s wrong. Looking back on everything, the common denominator of everything wrong points back to one thing.. Me, the only problem in it all is me. Its my thinking, its my love, its my big heart and the fact of how much it loves, how much it gives, and how much it is… how much it tries. whether it was that it tried and gave too much when it shouldn’t have or when it should have, or whatever the case may have been, it has always only broke itself.

What else is there to really say, these are my own thoughts, these are what goes on in my pretty little head right? These are the messed up little heart that beats in my chest and the stupid little tears that fall from my eyes. I liked it better when I only cried when I was mad.. instead of now I am mad because I am crying.

December 6, 2017

4 years ago, it was a day I remember. I was so tired and yet so excited and nervous.  As I got dressed and ready to go for what I didn’t know at the time was going to be the start to the rest of my life. 

It was our first date to have dinner at SaltGrass in Grapevine.  And I almost blew it, with the exhaustion, at which time I was working 2 jobs. I wasn’t quite myself and was a little quiet, so he did question going any further in the dating process.  But, to this day, I can at least speak for myself when I say I am glad he did.

I won’t blow smoke up everyone’s ass and say we have a fairytale romance.  But I will say what we have is real.  We have our ups and downs.  We have our disagreements and we work through them.  Something I can honestly say is real, that I never had before.  We don’t have fights, we have disagreements, we don’t raise our voices, we talk. When things are good, We have fun together and we laugh together.  We have had some amazing times and vacations that have made great memories and those good times are what are to be cherished and remembered through all of time.

I, to this day, still fall in love with him all over again. I still send him texts just as I have from day one when we started dating to tell him I am thinking of him and that I love him, and even though we work from home as if we are in office to tell him good morning, I still feel the love I felt for him from day one, and am still smitten by him to this day. With all that said, We have decided that we want to spend the rest of our lives together, someday he wants to make me his wife so we can continue to grow together. To continue learning each other.

Let’s face it, in truth, we never really know every inch of every person, no matter how long we are with them.  But, I know for myself, I want to spend every day learning and each day growing, with him by my side.  I want the good and the bad, the happy and the sad.  I want to give him the opportunities to hurt me and the trust that he won’t. I want his arms to always be the ones I have to run to when I need an embrace. I want his ears to be the first I speak to when I have news to tell.

I can hope that each year I am still the one he chooses as well, but I also always want his happiness to be where he needs it to be, and if I am not it, then my heart would understand and know that it is his happiness that was the most important to me. That is where my level of love is for him, is in his happiness, no matter where I am in his life. But for this year, I am glad to be a part of it.

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