I don’t like all these feelings that have grown and built inside me. I don’t like the anxiety I felt yesterday that would not go way. The pain and pounding in my chest, the inability to stop shaking, the feeling like I could not breathe, the panic attacks that just wouldn’t go away. Its been a while since I have had a day like that and I will say, I don’t miss it. I do miss when life felt comfortable enough that I didn’t have it. When I felt like life was okay, When I had the assurance that things were okay and going to be okay. Right now, nothing feels okay. Nothing seems okay: Not around me, not within me and I feel like I am just toxic.
Lets see how many hours today it will take me to try to break this tornado all down in words and try to clear this out of my head for my own sanity.. I mean its only 4:45 in the morning and I have 30 minutes to kill before I start work, maybe it will take me a minute to get it all sorted out maybe it will take me a month.. maybe I just never will calm the storm and will forever stay a mess.
FEAR – Fear of screwing things up and failing in everything I say and do. Fear of losing all that is important to me. Fear to speak. Fear to do. Fear to ask for love, fear to ask for needs. And just all around Fear of being me, because it seems that no matter what, its unacceptable. Fear of giving love as it may be too much. Fear that I am no longer loveable by anyone other than my own love, and maybe the dog when she wants a treat but not even sure I get that right anymore. Fear, not of being alone as I know I can be, but of not being worthy of being with anyone, or maybe the real fear is being blindsided by it. All of the fear leads to panic, to constant worry.
SADNESS – I feel like my world is falling apart. Like nothing is aligned right. Everything that used to be good has gone bad and it just isn’t aligning back up. It feels like it never will and I keep trying to have hope, to have faith. And while one day it seems like there may be a step forward, there ends up being many more that follow of days that there are steps backwards. And it is all heartbreaking. The only person to tell me its going to be okay is myself and here lately I feel like maybe I am just blowing smoke up my own ass, because what if it isn’t. I try to push away the fear, I try to push away the sadness and I try to even tell myself, its all okay, even when its not. Hell, I spend more time telling myself I am fine because I hate to admit not just to other but to myself that I am not, to admit that I have reached a weak spot. There is a sadness that I no longer see a spark/light in the eyes of the ones I love, this isn’t to say they don’t love me somewhere deep down, but its that I no longer make they want to have me around as much as they did or no longer as happy as they were and it breaks me to the core, because I don’t just see it, I feel it. I feel lonely on many levels of the sadness, and just in general lonely through all the stress, as I cause everyone to push me away by making them fell the way I am doing so. Lonely in all the ways I am misunderstood. Lonely in just outright lonely.
HURT – They say the only way someone can hurt you is when you give them the ability to. That’s the problem with letting your walls down, that’s the problem with trusting. But, there is so much more beauty when you let your walls down, when you trust, when you allow people in, when you actually take that chance, isn’t there? But then, maybe its just me being over-sensitive. Maybe its just that its my fault of being hurt, and no one is hurting me at all, its all in my head and I am being sensitive and wearing my heart on my sleeve. Or, maybe I should just take the approach of not caring, to allow myself to not be hurt. which that approach in itself scares me to just shut off the ‘cares’. I know the later not only isn’t the answer, I know its not in me, its not who I am. I have tried. I don’t want to put my walls back up, I don’t want to be as I was before where I feared love. I don’t want to fear letting people close to me and where it was just me, but then again, everyone else was safe from that familiar poison that seems to get out, the one not listed with the poison control.. D.A.N.A.!
ANGER/FRUSTRATION – I am angry with myself. Angry in ways that I can’t seem to get out how I feel so that it is understood by others. Angry that when I speak It just makes others feel like an ‘asshole’ or like they have done something wrong, when all I am trying to do is express my own feelings. While trying to be more open and not hold things in I seem to be causing more damage than good. Frustrated and feeling like things were better off when I didn’t express how I felt. Angry with myself for wanting to feel loved, for wanting to occasionally feel like I am special to someone, to feel like I am as wanted as I make others feel or to get the same feeling I give others, while knowing I can’t expect that, others are not me and are not who I am. Others aren’t going to give the way I give. Anger because I am and always have been a ‘fixer’ and right now I don’t feel like anything is fixable. I feel like it is all falling apart and continues to do so.
LOVE – I continue to feel love for myself first and foremost because right now its the only love I feel I have, the only love I deserve, and the one thing that keeps me going each day and alive. I have a strong love for the man and his daughter that are in my life and it keeps pushing me to make things work, even though I feel like I just can’t get it right and no matter the amount of love I give, its not what they want or need. My love that I give seems to be a blessing and a curse all in one. It’s a flaw and a joy, I guess. I am full of self love 97.99% of the time, I am overflown with love to give and maybe sometimes I give it too often for the liking of those. But, at the end of the day its who I am. Even lately, I wonder though, why love has to hurt.
JOY\HAPPINESS -When I truly sit and think, when I sit back and look, There is a ton of joy and happiness deep with in me. I have overcome a shit ton that has taught me that even with everything, I need to be sure to get up each day, I need to push myself and no matter what I need to remember to love myself. No matter how much I feel like I can not be loved by other, no matter how much I feel like others can’t love me. I have to have the happiness within to know what my good qualities are. To be able to grab the happiness I do have and when around others be able to share that. That part I know I do well. I do so when I am for example at the bowling alley. I do know that the people there enjoy having me around, but they enjoy me there because its probably temporary and for a few hours. I am happy knowing that I am able to make someone laugh, as I used to be able to do. Happy that I do see joy in peoples faces when they see me. To know that somewhere with in me, there is still life and fun. Somewhere, there are people who don’t think I am all that bad, but maybe its just in small doses. And that is the part of life where I won’t be alone from other is in small doses, I just wasn’t meant to have anyone around forever, maybe thats when the toxic starts to seep. 😦 Its the happiness I have when I cuddle up in bed at night and I am in the comfort of the arms that I love, that’s happiness. Its joy when I am laughing with the ones I love. Its the happiness when I can be me, when I am not fearing it, when I can joke, when I can laugh. My happiness is when I can give all my love out to those that are so full in my heart. My happiness is when I can be the affectionate person I am to those in my heart.
It has been said to me that I have not been taking things at face value that have been said to me. The reality of it is, I have been listening and I have been letting it all sink in. Everything around me that is my everyday life is so important to me that that is what I absorb, that is the main thing that is in my array to constantly ‘fix’ and to have aligned and going right, and its probably the part of life I stress over the most.. At the end of it all, I see that the root of it all is when problems arise, I am the problem. Whether it be because I have repeated myself, or I have made someone feel less than perfect or as if they can do anything right. Maybe I didn’t say what was wrong with myself. Maybe its that I am sensitive to certain things, a little more so when I am overcome with excessive worry, fear, doubt and completely panicked and overthinking everything and can’t get anything right or any sort of assurance on anything around me. And maybe some of the root cause goes to because of how I am feeling within and because I have expressed it incorrectly or unclearly in someway or somehow. It all boils back to me, and even all the ‘maybe’s just become excuses and there is no reason anyone should be put though it and to have to be put through all I am even as me, and I wonder if there are day that it was meant that alone really is all I deserve, and maybe even the best of people are really only meant for a goldfish whom they won’t make suffer in life, then again.. I think I may have even killed a few betta fish in my time too, so even they aren’t safe.. sigh.